mise-à-jour

It's been too long.  There are several subjects/themes I have been meaning to write about for some time floating around in my head, but have not taken the time.  And now we are well into the summer, and I am finally taking the time to write something.  But before I do, I just want to do a little update, so that there is at least some continuity going on....

So it happened.  I finally graduated from BYU!!!!  I quite literally thought it wasn't going to happen, but it all worked out.  I found my last year there particularly difficult, what with Prop 8, a run-in with the beloved Honor Code Office, and mounting anxiety and paranoia about being there.  I spent a lot of my mental time there repeating the rosary prayer, "I don't belong here. I don't belong here."  And guess what?!?!  I felt like I didn't belong and I wanted out even more.  I swore I was going to leave BYU with some kind of anxiety disorder.  My trust in others was essentially hit by a nuclear bomb when I was reported to the HCO, and even though nothing happened, the paranoia, bitterness, and feeling of separateness only increased, until I couldn't stand it anymore.  It numbed the nostalgic feelings I would probably have had, and all I wanted was to graduate and get my diploma.  

That is why I am so grateful I participated in the commencement exercises.  I hadn't anticipated BYU graduation to be such an uplifting, healing, and emotional experience for me.  Yet I found myself moved when I sat in the Marriot Center with my fellow graduates, and I felt a stir of pride as my degree was conferred upon me.  Over the days of commencement and convocation, the bitterness, anger, and distance I had felt for months were eroded away, and I was left with a sense of gratitude for the education I received at BYU, and pride for the achievements and contributions I made while there.  As I sat there, I thought, "You know, I do belong here.  I have made meaningful contribution to the school as well as the education of the students here.  I have every right to possess this diploma, and I am actually proud to do so."  Ultimately, I feel that though BYU may not think so, my life will reflect the values and standards of excellence that it promotes.  I do believe in the saying, "Enter to learn, go forth to serve," and I hope that my personal and professional life can be reflections of the wisdom contained in it.

The way I frame my BYU experience, at least for now, is similar to the way I frame my mission.  It was a cherished experience that was very difficult at times that I would never do again.  And though I might disagree with certain policies and practices at BYU, I can say that I love the school, and that 95% of my happy memories from the last four years are tied to BYU.

But that doesn't mean I wasn't excited to leave, and even more thrilled to receive my diploma in the mail a month ago.  Physical possession of the diploma, to me, symbolized complete emancipation and freedom from retribution.  Essentially, I felt that once I got my diploma in hand, my education and professional future were no longer contingent upon my lifestyle choices, and that I was no longer bound to a moral code I no longer believe in.  And all I can say is that since I got my diploma my life has expanded and developed in wonderful ways (which will be detailed in other posts).  Basically, I moved out of my parents' house into an apartment in Salt Lake with two other gay guys, and I have been soaking up life with many of the people who are dearest to me.  I feel like I am in a secure, centered place spiritually, physically, relationally, and emotionally.  Basically--life is good.