a new look at old issues

Denver, CO—The state legislature held a special conference Monday to address current adolescent issues.  Mental health professionals, school administrators, and parents convened to discuss the factors that most influence teens’ personal and academic development.  Also among those present were many groups of adolescents who were there to express their views and share their experiences.  Of most concern to all were the treatment of reproductive and racial minorities in schools, and the programs designed to help under-achieving students who are often from affluent backgrounds.

Addressing the conference attendees, Marc Jasperson, member of the Denver Board of Education, said: “The time has come to address the great disparities that exist in our schools.  Some of our teens are growing up in a hostile educational and social environment, and we need to understand the factors involved in order to make changes and address needs.” 

One important issue addressed at the conference was the treatment of reproductive minorities.  Those who are attracted to the opposite sex are often put at odds with the dominant gay and lesbian culture, and those individuals find few resources in addressing the needs that come with their heterosexual orientation.  One male student said, “It’s hard feeling so different for something you have no control over.  I have been attracted to girls my whole life, and nothing I do can change that.  And the only thing they really tell us we can do after we get our education is make babies.  I don’t just want to make babies, I want a career.”  Indeed, there has even been controversy over the term “reproductive minorities” because the term seems to stereotype people with a heterosexual orientation as only wanting to reproduce between themselves. 

Carrol Harnsworth, director of State Reproductive Services, begs to differ.  “These kids want special treatment just because they feel they need to reproduce with the opposite sex.  Our services are specifically designed so that no one should need to have intercourse to reproduce.  Our egg and sperm donation programs and our surrogate network are proving to be very effective in serving the needs of the community.  It’s difficult to understand why some people choose not to participate.”

One student who has firsthand experience with this issue is Janelle Goatson.  At 15 years old, she has fallen into a peculiar predicament, since she is pregnant due to heterosexual intercourse.  As a girl from a wealthy family, she already lacked the social status she so desired in school.  “Since my parents pay for everything, I don’t know what I will do or where I will go when they find out.  Kids make fun of me, calling me a “breeder,” and I don’t know if I can finish school in this kind of environment.”

Janelle’s experience is not uncommon for heterosexual teens.  They often experience emotional and psychological difficulties as the result of teasing and discrimination.  Though research has shown some links of a heterosexual orientation to genetics, there is still much debate as to why the orientation still persists in society. 

Dr. Paula Fortin, a Denver area psychologist, pointed out some measures that can be taken to better support underprivileged students: “Teens need a healthy support structure.  This structure involves home and school, parents and teachers.  Students of a higher socioeconomic status, in an ethnic or racial minority, or who have a heterosexual orientation need all the more support because of the severe psychological as well as social difficulties they face.  As educators and parents we can go back to the things that have always worked: open communication, building trust, emphasizing love and not judgment, and promoting programs that help our students succeed.”

it's been a while

and I keep thinking I need to write some grand and glorious post about something terribly, terribly important.  But that isn't the point.  I have to remind myself of the beauty of simple, perhaps banal thoughts that I might want to share, since I so often enjoy the simple, sometimes banal thoughts of others.  I also hate update posts, but this might become one.

I feel like I'm in a whirlwind of experiences.  There are so many things to think about and so many things going on...it begins to seem daunting.  Let me be more specific:  I have been living in Colorado for two months now, and so much has already happened.  The simple answer to "How is Colorado?" is that I love my classmates, my classes (except statistics, but even that's going better), my roommates, my house, Fort Collins, the weather here, and Colorado State University. I have been impressed by the people I'm meeting, and the experiences I'm having.  I'm just starting the first step of a long road....but I still feel it is the right road, and I will stay on it.

In summer 2008, I had a couple experiences where I felt very strongly that I needed to pursue a PhD in Counseling Psychology.  I attribute those experience to divine guidance, and so I applied to programs, waited for responses, and ultimately ended up here, at CSU.  Now that I have been here for a couple months, I have begun evaluating again, to see if I am indeed where I still need to be.  And last week I had another confirming experience, perhaps less spiritual, but reassuring nonetheless.  I feel like this is a good program, and that Fort Collins is a place where I will be able to put down some roots, at least for the next few years.  This past weekend, I had a conversation where I began to convey my passion for psychology and my excitement at being on the path to my dream career, and it felt so so good.  I wouldn't want to do anything else, and I am so grateful that I have this opportunity to advance in my education and professional development.

Recent experiences have caused me to reflect on some themes or unresolved issues that I want to explore, some of which I may do on here, or perhaps in personal therapy.  But it helps to know and really feel that I am right where I need to be in my life, and that I am still going in the right direction. 

The Great Divorce-Westy Style

I have been in Colorado two days and I already have Colorado plates on my car.

Abrupt, you might say.  Sudden.  Rash.  But it's all part of my plan to become a Colorado resident (mostly for tuition purposes).  I met with the Financial Services office today and they laid out all the hoops I have to jump through to be recognized as a resident, which involves forming ties to Colorado and severing ties with my ex-state.  Sorry Utah, you were good to me for so many years, but I must move on.

So far, I love Fort Collins.  It's a beautiful city.  There are bicyclists everywhere, along with sprawling parks, trees every few feet, quaint neighborhoods, and the Rocky Mountains hovering in the distance.  I visited CSU's campus today and was quite impressed.  Being used to BYU, I thought I would be disappointed in another university, but so far I have been nothing but amazed and delighted.  It actually does remind me somewhat of BYU's layout, except there is about twice as much green space.  Everyone who helped me today was not only courteous but friendly and helpful.  That goes for CSU employees as well as the people at the sheriff's office, the county court offices, and the DMV.  

This is by far the calmest evening I've had since my arrival.  The first evening I went to a PFLAG ice cream social that a friend invited me to.  It was a wonderful experience because the focus was on finding ways to help the local Fort Collins religious community become more understanding and welcoming to its GLBT members.  Fourteen churches were represented, and each shared its intra-congregational struggles and brainstormed ways to move forward.  Mostly, it was touching to see parents who say with teary eyes, "I love my children--straight or gay."  

Last night I went out with my roommates (two really beautiful girls, one from Denver and one from Portland).  We ate at a lovely sushi restaurant, then strolled around Old Town, the city center with all the bars, boutiques, and restaurants.  After that--well, let's just say we got some champagne and it all went to our heads.  

I did, however, have a moment of feeling lonely today.  I had called and texted some friends, but with no response, and was feeling a bit daunted by the mass of paperwork I need to compile.  So what did I do?  I called my mommy.  She empathized and encouraged as she does best, and I felt better.  Of course it's normal to have moments like that during a significant transition, and so I just sit with my feelings and experience them as worthy expressions of the love for what I left behind.  There are certainly people here who will become some of my dearest friends, and I look forward to putting down roots here in Fort Collins.  My mom compared me today to a plant that has been transplanted, and I'm still feeling the shock but will eventually feel just as secure and grounded as I did in Utah.  These things simply take time.

As a friend told me yesterday, "Utah's loss is Colorado's gain."  I will always think of Utah as my home, but it does feel liberating and refreshing to break away from what I have known to settle in a new place.  So far I feel this new place welcoming me and inspiring me to continue with my personal and professional goals.  As long as I stay true to what is inside me, I don't believe it really matters where I call my home.  

"No More Goodbyes" - a response

Today I finished reading Carol Lynn Pearson's book, "No More Goodbyes: Circling the Wagons Around Our Gay Loved Ones." Reading it was a beautiful experience that reminded me that at the end of the day, we just need to love people. Just love people. Just love people.  

We may not agree with others' choices, beliefs, or choice in clothing, but in spite of our differences we can love them. It is inevitable that we will encounter people with vastly different experiences from us, experiences that are no less valid than our own. Ultimately, I believe all we have to go on is our experience and what we can learn from others. Whether through prayer, study, listening to promptings, or reasoning, each of us must feel out, as best we can, the best path for us, and I believe we know when we are on the right path because it is then that we love life most and begin to understand who we really are.  

My own experience as a gay man has taught me many beautiful truths about what it means to live and love, and how to be compassionate to other people, whatever their circumstances. I have learned that you can assume nothing about anyone. I have learned patience. I have sat down with difficult choices and tremendous consequences, weighed them carefully, and moved forward in ways that have blessed my life.  

It was during my first semester at BYU that I finally realized/accepted/became aware that I am gay. A lifetime of confusion, self-hatred, repression, and denial melted away into an intense depression as I found myself in a group that even I had spoken ill of. It took a year or two to work through many issues, especially my religious beliefs and expectations for the future. I attended Evergreen, firesides, and other gatherings where I met other Mormon men who experience homosexual attraction. It was only about two years ago when I could finally say that I loved and cared about myself. Those beautiful feelings coincided with a general acceptance of who I am, and since then I have thought deeply about my purpose here on earth and my life's meaning.  

In conclusion, I want to say that being gay has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. And reading Sister Pearson's book has reaffirmed that feeling and enhanced it. I recommend it to all, because it reminds us to be more aware and understanding of others' trials and conditions, whatever they may be. And most of all, it reminds us that we just need to love people. Whatever the situation, we must do our best to love others. I pray that my life can become a model of that kind of selfless, unconditional love, and that whatever I may face in the future that I can face it with strength and with self-assurance. May God help and bless us all.

dietary consciousness: a lesson in awareness

I am a vegetarian.  Well, perhaps more of a lacto-ovo-pescatarian at this point in time.  Let me explain: 

 A couple years ago, while at BYU, I was spending all my time on campus--every day, all day.  For convenience, I ate at the Cougareat, and over time I realized that all of my meals contained meat in them, and I began to be sick of always eating meat.  This view was supported by what I knew of the Word of Wisdom, which counsels to eat meat sparingly.  That part of the principle always seemed under-emphasized to me.  In church we always talked about avoiding coffee, tea, tobacco, alcohol, and drugs, but somehow rationalized that eating several hamburgers at a ward BBQ was okay.  Somehow that became a less important part of the law, and carnivorous gluttony seemed a lesser evil than drinking a cup of green tea.

 Anyway, the story continues with me moving into a house with fantastic roommates who were all vegetarian.  That fall we made a dinner group along with the girls who lived across the street--a vegetarian dinner group.  This was my first exposure to a complete vegetarian diet, and I appreciated the delicious preparations my friends and I made for dinner.  Though I still ordered meat dishes in restaurants, my consumption of meat was greatly reduced, and I felt better.  

 From that time on, I became a self-described "meat minimalist," and the only time I would eat meat was when I ate out, and even then not all the time.  The greatest change took place when a friend recommended a website to me, called chooseveg.com.  When I explored the website, it showed how animals are sometimes treated in farms and slaughterhouses, and I was appalled.  Having always been sensitive to the treatment of animals, I was horrified to see how the animals we eat are often deprived of their dignity and are mercilessly abused, then brutally killed.  The site explains ethical, environmental, and health reasons for being vegetarian.  Of course it’s biased toward promoting vegetarianism, but the experience jolted me enough to make me commit being a vegetarian.  My initial reason being that I did not want to support an industry that promotes such a degradation of life and a mass-marketing of cruelty.

 Since then my philosophy behind my diet as well as the diet itself has morphed and expanded, as I seek a reasonable way of living that follows the greater principles behind the practice.  The central principle that guides my eating practices (as well as my way of seeing the world) is CONSCIOUSNESS.  Consciousness of what I put in my body, where it comes from, what it means, and the effect my consumption has on the world around me.  More than anything, I am disgusted by the lack of connection we have to our food in general, whether we eat meat or not.  Thus the principle, in my opinion, is not completely about what I eat, but about recognizing that the food I ingest comes from somewhere, takes resources to produce, and might have a certain dignity that should be respected.  For example, I feel that a cow should have the dignity of being a cow while it is alive, free to roam the pasture, socialize with its cow friends, and then when it is time to kill it, to do so quickly and humanely.  More than anything, I advocate dignified treatment of the life that sustains our life—there is nothing wrong with eating meat, I believe.  It’s just that I am uncomfortable with the amount of meat our society consumes and the methods it uses to produce such mass quantities of meat.  There is a sense of entitlement to eating meat in our society that disgusts me, made worse by the lack of consciousness that the meat we consume comes from actual living things. 

 When I pray over my food, I thank God for the living things that have given their life that I might live—whether they be plants or animals.  I don’t know that I will always avoid eating meat and poultry, but I hope that I can maintain a consciousness about what I eat throughout my life, coupled with a gratitude and appreciation for the sources that sustain me. 

MoTab inspiration

Tonight I went to the free pre-tour concert put on by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.  While I have heard many of the songs many times over, I quite enjoyed the concert, and I was truly touched several times by either the words or the music.  While they sang "Come, come ye saints" these words stood out to me as they were backed by a beautiful sound:

"We'll make the air with music ring, shout praises to our God and King....All is well!"

I'm not sure why I liked that part so much, having sung it all my life, but perhaps the combination of the music and a few months of not having sung it helped me hear it with a fresh ear, and I was able to feel the beauty intended by those words.  

I think we should all make the air ring with the music of our praises to God, for being alive and for living in this beautiful world.  

sex and the salt lake city

I would try to start this post with something punny if I were sex columnist Carrie Bradshaw, but alas I am not.  

Sex and the City has become my all-time favorite television show.  I saw the movie last summer, and surprisingly liked it.  I was touched most by the love I saw between Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha--girlfriends extraordinaires.  Then, during my last semester at BYU, I began watching the TV version, then the DVD version of the series--and my life changed.  SATC provided much-needed catharsis and got me through those last lonely months at school.  

Like any fan, I took a few of the "Which Sex and the City character are you?" quizzes and the most reliable results put me as being about half Miranda and half Charlotte.  Which works.  I do have a practical side when it comes to relationships, at times trying to quell my feelings for someone because they are inconvenient and/or irrational.  Yet I am also the idealistic Charlotte, who after a successful outing with a man exclaims, "Maybe he's THE ONE!"  And while I might fit more comfortably in a Miranda or Charlotte role, I suppose I still aspire to be like the Queen of Sex herself, Samantha.  Avoiding commitment at every turn, she goes from one man to another, like the libidinous sybarite she is.  "It's just sex," she says.  

Samantha Jones has been the patron saint of my summer.  This is because I have a tendency toward monogamy, which probably comes from my upbringing, especially my strictly repressed sexual past.  With girls, who I was never attracted to or interested in, it was fine to go on a date with one girl one week and another the next week.  All in good fun, right?  However, my track record with men is that if I go on a couple good dates with a guy, we end up dating for however long.  That is not to say that I did not enjoy dating who I did in the past--and I am still friends with all of them and care about each of them.  But after all, I am 24, and have only gone out with a handful of men.  Yet there are so many men out there!  So many people to meet!  And at this point in my life I have felt the need to put myself out there and meet a lot of people, dating men with the same frequency and variety that I dated women, and just having a good time. Other factors in this include the fact that I am only in Utah for a couple more months, after which I move to Colorado, so I don't really want a serious relationship at this point.  And so to change things up and try a new approach, I took Samantha for my role model.

It began by finally signing up on Connexion, a networking website for LGB people.  I have many friends on it, but have also met several people on it who I have gone out on dates with.  Some were good, some were mediocre.  I would say that none were bad--no creepers and no jerks.  It has felt so good to be excited to go on a date, and not feel any fear of being seen or discovered.  I am finally able to again enjoy the dating scene--this time with the gender I am attracted to.  

However, I am afraid I am having a hard time sustaining the Samantha in me (probably because there is none), and I find myself sinking back into monogamy.  As much as I admire her, I don't think Samantha and I are compatible.  The Charlotte in me longs for the commitment, stability, and romance of a relationship.  Even if it's a short-term one.  And though nothing is for certain at this point, I have started seeing someone, and I recognize the old patterns returning.  If I enjoy being with someone who I am attracted to, why would I still go out with other people?  That seems to be the rhetorical question I ask myself to justify my monogamous habit, and though I would hate to admit it to Samantha, I think I am slipping back to my old ways.  

So there you have it.  Instead of a glamorous life of one night stands and hordes of lovers, I am most likely doomed to have short- and long-term monogamous relationships, full of commitment, stability, and romance.  And who knows, maybe I will even find "The One."