GRAD SCHOOL APPS ARE IN!!!!

I finally submitted all my applications for counseling psychology PhD programs.  I won't know any decisions for a while, but it's such a relief to have the applications done.  Here are the lucky schools that got them:

a dear friend shared this with me yesterday and i love it

the greedy the people
(as if as can yes)
they steal and they buy
and they die for because
though the bell in the steeple
says Why

the chary the wary
(as all as can each)
they don't and they do
and they turn to a which
though the moon in her glory
says Who

the busy the millions
(as you're as can i'm)
they flock and they flee
through a thunder of seem
thoguh the stars in their silence
say Be

the cunning the craven
(as think as can feel)
they when and they how
and they live for until
though the sun in his heaven
says Now

the timid the tender
(as doubt as can trust)
they work and they pray
and they bow to a must
though the earth in her splendor
say May

e. e. cummings

what is a friend?

a friend is:

someone who does your laundry for you when you have been to busy to do it.

someone who sends a meaningful text just to say hello and "thinkin bout ya".

someone (who might be your mom) who loves you unconditionally.

someone (who also might be your mom) with whom you can talk about EVERYTHING under the sun and still be friends afterward.

someone who gives you a ride to wal-mart on sunday because you have no more food.

someone who you dated and who shows that they still care about you.

someone who can sing showtunes with you like nobody's business.

someone who you can tell about your chihuahua.

someone who shares beautiful art, music, and words with you on a walk home, or in an email.

someone you can chat with for two hours that pass like a few minutes.

someone who uplifts and inspires you.

to all my wonderful, amazing friends: i love you so much, and know that the kindnesses you show me never go unappreciated.  thanks for helping me get through a rough couple of weeks.

why i oppose prop 8

What an election year! There are some crucial campaigns that will be decided by the vote in November. Other than the presidential election, the campaign I am most interested in and concerned about is the one for marriage equality in California. The other day I made a feeble attempt to explain my position to the "Yes on 8!" table at school, but I would prefer to do it in writing on a blog that practically no one reads, if only to collect my thoughts and examine the issue further.

Of course I am sympathetic to the cause of marriage equality (hence voting no on prop 8) because I am gay. I realize that I cannot completely divorce myself from my situation to look at the issue completely objectively, but neither can anyone else. However, I have thought about this a lot over the summer and even more this semester, and have come up with a few specific reasons why I oppose prop 8:

1. I look to the case of interracial marriage for an illustration of another form of marriage that was looked upon as immoral, unnatural, and unnecessary. Prior to 1967, when the Supreme Court decided that banning interracial marriage was unconstitutional, there had been many movements to define marriage as being only between people of the same race, as well as legislation passed banning interracial marriage. Today, that would seem unthinkable to many to keep people from marrying because of something they did not choose--their race. I assume that the love between people of different races is the same as that between those of the same race. I simply see too many parallels between interracial marriage and gay marriage to not support a movement that would bring equal treatment and equal rights to all people.

2. When I talked to the Prop 8 people on campus, one of them told me that gay couples already have 99% of the rights of married people and so there is no need to give the term "marriage" to their relationships. The domestic partner laws suffice. To me, this smacks of "separate but equal": Black and white people both have the same right to water, but the black people need to go and use their own fountain. Rosa Parks can ride the bus with everyone else, but she'll just need to sit in the back. Still, she get's 99% of the same transportation as everyone else. That argument just doesn't fly with me. In Alma 30:7 we learn that it is "strictly against the commands of God that there should be a law that would put men on unequal grounds." Prop 8 sounds like such a law to me.

3. Some say that this debate is over the definition of "traditional marriage" and not an attempt to keep rights from people. I cannot help but wonder what tradition we are trying to uphold. Heterosexual marriage has been no picnic, especially for the millions of women who have been mistreated, abused, forced to have child after child with no recourse to birth control, and denied any right to hold property rights or have a say in family matters. Of course, there are wonderful marriages in this world where husband and wife enhance one another and create a beautiful family. However, I hesitate putting marriage up as a shining example that has "traditionally" been good for society. Patriarchal society, perhaps. I also do not understand how same-sex marriage would harm heterosexual marriages, especially religious ones. It seems to me that most men will still be attracted to women, and most women to men. If they grow up in a religion, they will most likely remain in it and marry in it. Our species would reproduce even with basic libidinal instincts. It seems ridiculous to suggest that allowing gay people to marry would somehow destroy that.

4. Opponents to gay marriage often use fear tactics to get people to vote against it. They say that religious liberties will lose respect, that traditional families will be ridiculed, that children will be taught *gasp* about gay relationships, and that free speech will be inhibited. I have read much on both sides on each argument, and while many of those proposed consequences have roots in reality, they are exaggerations. Advocates of traditional marriage also express concern for children being raised by gay parents, thinking that they will either become gay themselves or will grow up thinking homosexuality is "normal." The gay parents I have seen are among the most attentive, loving parents I have ever witnessed. You know they care about creating a good family because they have to fight to adopt children and obtain documents proving their legitimacy as a family.

My greatest reaction to the Proposition 8 broadcast I attended last Wednesday was feeling cheated on both ends. The whole time I was looking at the church leaders on the screen, my eyes begging them for an answer to this question: "You say that I as a gay member of the church can only remain a good member if I am either celibate or if I marry a woman. However, should I decide that those options are unfeasible, and pursue a long-term relationship with a man I love, you would deny me the opportunity to commit myself to him through marriage and create my own family based on the very principles I have learned in the Church. What do you want me to do?!?! How am I supposed to feel?!?!" All I can say is that the participation of my church in the ProtectMarriage campaign has been hurtful and divisive for more than myself.

With good conscience, I simply support what I feel is right and pray that God will help us all.

God is Love

I had such a beautiful experience this afternoon. My roommate and I attended ward choir practice for the first time today, and since things are just getting started we decided to do a hymn sing-in. Each of us chose a hymn to sing, and I noticed the hymn "God is Love" (#87) and requested it. And so we sang:

Earth, with her ten thousand flow'rs,

Air, with all its beams and show'rs,

Heav'ns infinite expanse,

Sea's resplendent countenance-

All around and all above

Bear this record: God is love.

Sounds among the vales and hills,

In the woods and by the rills,

Of the breeze and of the bird,

By the gentle murmur stirred-

Sacred songs, beneath, above,

Have one chorus: God is love.

All the hopes that sweetly start

From the fountain of the heart,

All the bliss that ever comes

To our earthly human homes,

All the voices from above

Sweetly whisper: God is love.

By the time we got to the third verse, I was so touched by the beauty of what we were singing that I got chills. And a bit teary-eyed. This song today was a reminder of the God I believe in, one who loves me, who loves all of creation, and who is ever present in our lives if we allow him to be. While sitting in that room with those people I had barely met, I felt such love and such powerful energy that by the end all I could do was reverently, "sweetly whisper: God is love."

i've read this passage from "walden" about 7 times already this week

"I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."

some thoughts on volunteering in hospice care

Yesterday I felt so posh as I walked down Main Street in Salt Lake and into a high rise of condominiums, pushing the call button and taking the elevator up 11 stories to see a family benefiting from hospice care. The condo was about what I imagined, nicely decorated though perhaps a bit outmoded (some walls were completely covered in mirror). The lady of the house greeted me, showed me where the cranberry juice was in the fridge, and then introduced me to her husband. He, like all other hospice care patients, is terminally ill and he looked like it more than the other people I have visited with. He was lying on his bed, naked but for the brief clutched to his groin, and an aide was trying to help him get into his wheelchair for a sponge bath and a bed change. I stood by, holding the wheelchair in place as the aide lifted the man and placed him in it. For all the sagging skin, I imagine he has lost some weight due to the cancer, and his joints appeared swollen while his flaccid muscles seemed to hang from protruding bones. I could see the shape of his femur quite clearly. Yet his face held a certain dignity, and he vocalized his concerns and his desire to do as much as he could by himself.

This striking scene represented one thought in my mind: no matter what we do in life, no matter what our career is or how much money we make, we can find ourselves dependent on someone to wash our body, change our briefs, and hand over the pee bottle when needed. How is that for the end of a life?

But there's more. While I was sitting in that gentleman's bedroom, his daughter who lives nearby came over. She crawled on the bed, kissing her father's taught forehead, and asked him if he wanted something to eat, with such love effusing from her eyes that it was impossible not to smile. She returned with toast and soft-boiled eggs, which she fed to him slowly and carefully. She even shared her cigarette with him. Later, when his wife returned, the three of them were gathered together on his bed, smiling, laughing, talking about the gigantic calculator his wife had just bought (a Brookstone model--it was enormous).

The redeeming value of seeing people who are suffering and dying is seeing their loved ones gathered around them, making their last weeks/days/hours precious to them. They need one another to the very end. I have been impressed in this way each time I meet the family of the hospice patient. I see the concern and love in their interactions with their loved ones. A wife sponging the lips of her unconscious husband as he struggles to breathe. A social worker massaging a dying woman's dry hands with lotion that smells like freesia. A grandson visiting his grandfather who has large, visible tumors on top of his head. These images will stay with me forever.

As I've been able to live a little in the shoes of hospice workers, I come to believe more and more in the mission of hospice care: to help those who are dying to pass away with dignity and humanity. Once again I have been reminded that people matter, up to and even beyond their last breath. A human being is such a powerful, beautiful creation, always deserving respect. I feel so blessed to have observed and participated in the dying process of a few individuals this summer, each of whom was a unique, beautiful, valuable soul.

the faceless millions have faces

It happens when I pass by a large town or city on the freeway. It happens when I walk in large crowds. It happens when I’m at the largest waterpark in the nation, looking around at all the half-naked bodies surrounding me. It’s a feeling of awe at the amount of people there are in the world, most of whom I will never know, never learn to care about, never speak to. Looking at a town from the freeway, I realize that each house and business represents the livelihood of many people, and the town itself seems like another world to me, one which I will never enter. When I was at Denver’s WaterWorld last weekend, I was amazed at the sheer number of people there in their swimsuits, amazed at the amount of people who chose the same recreation that afternoon. There was something unifying about being with a few thousand park visitors all in swimsuits (which often don’t leave much to the imagination, I realized)—and everyone was comfortable and recreating happily. This feeling I’ve described can be awe-inspiring in a positive way, but it also has a shade of fear along its underside, a fear that my individuality might be lost in this crowd of humanity. If there is such a diversity of people and so many people, am I even important? Do my aspirations, worries, relationships, and opinions matter?

Sometimes we hear about the “faceless millions” (or billions if you will) that populate Earth. The thought that helps me through those overwhelming moments where I feel so inconsequential against the swarms of strangers I see is that these “faceless millions” do indeed have faces. And feelings. And families. And priorities. And opinions. Just like me.

So then I find myself contemplating the middle-aged, bikini-clad woman at the park. She will never know me, and I will never know her. I have no idea of the triumphs and failures she has experienced during her life. The stretch marks of childbirth and the graying hairs on her head provide a few clues to her experience, but unless I actually go to her and open myself up, she will always remain a stranger. Yet I don’t want her to remain a faceless stranger, because I am determined to recognize that she matters. Her opinions matter, even though I might not agree with them. Her relationships matter, even though I might not be able to help them in any way. Her unexpressed heartaches matter, and I pray God that there is someone in her life that can listen to them and help her, because I cannot. I’m just a stranger.

Obviously, it’s impossible to meet every person in a city, let alone the world. I don’t think that’s the point. Those people who do come into our lives are suddenly transformed from “faceless strangers” to people we care about, people we dislike, people we try to help, and people we avoid. Those are the people God has given us to work with, and it is with them that we can have a direct influence. While it isn’t always a bad thing to think on an impersonal, global scale, I’m more concerned with those who I know personally. When I think of the first time I met someone who has become a close friend, I am amazed by all the experiences, feelings, and thoughts that we have since shared. A single human being is such a complex creature, and it is beautiful when two complex beings with so much hidden in their depths can come together to share parts of themselves with one another. So as I go through life and see strangers around me, I will try to remember that they do have faces, and that their lives are every bit as meaningful and important as mine. Most likely, I won’t ever meet a small percentage of the people on this planet, but I hope and pray that I will be more than a “faceless stranger” to those I do.

Music and the Spoken Word 2 weeks ago = refreshing

Cultivate an Attitude of Understanding

Delivered By: Lloyd D. Newell

For centuries, people have separated each other by setting up barriers and boundaries—the divisions we call “us” and “them.” In our interconnected society, we interact almost daily with people whose heritage, religion, skin color, gender, language, or choices are different from ours. The challenge lies in how we treat each other when we have little in common except our humanity.

Small children seem to be especially good at this. When you smile at a child, she smiles back. When you make a face, she giggles. When you wave good-bye, she waves too. Barriers disappear in this simple, satisfying exchange. Perhaps children haven’t yet learned to see those barriers. Or maybe they see more clearly what’s really important.

Anne Frank, a child herself and a victim of persecution because of her heritage, wrote that “we’re all searching for happiness; we’re all leading lives that are different and yet the same.”1
“I still believe,” she observed, “in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart.”2

Accepting one another—no matter our differences—is a measure of our character and our hearts. Acceptance is not about changing “us” or “them”; it’s about a friendly gesture, a smile, an appreciation for interesting company or new ideas. It is learning to accept others despite mistakes, weaknesses, or bad choices and still loving them for who they are. Acceptance comes more easily when we are at peace, confident of our own place, our beliefs and direction.

“Cultivate an attitude of understanding, and come to genuinely like people,” religious leader Thomas S. Monson has said. “I’ve rarely met a person that I didn’t want to get to know better. ... It doesn’t matter who they are.”3


1 The Diary of a Young Girl, ed. Otto H. Frank and Mirjam Pressler, trans. Susan Massotty (1991), 324.
2 The Diary of a Young Girl, 332.
3 In Gerry Avant, “Church President to Be Sustained in Solemn Assembly,” Church News, April 5, 2008, 4.

filling the pensieve

I just need to freewrite a little to get my thoughts in order. The last few weeks have been a huge transitional time for me physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I’m trying to sort through a lot of baggage and emotions and trying to figure out where I’m going with my life. Today and yesterday I’ve been feeling a little melancholy and unmotivated. I had a flash of fear today that I might be entering another depressive episode, but I don’t think I am. I just feel like I’m not doing much with my life right now. I feel like I’m constantly putting out energy to do things, but those things aren’t yielding much back. I wish I had a regular schedule with a job or something. As it is, I water the lawn twice a week, I help dad with concrete twice a week, (which is good cuz I’m making money). I try to study for the GRE which I’m taking in a month. I try to do volunteer work but that’s not very time-consuming, just once or twice a week at most. And those are all good things and they do keep me busy some of the time, but I’ve gone a few weeks where many days I have nothing to look forward to, nothing really planned. I go to the gym to work on my ever-present goal of gaining muscle, which is working. :) But I just feel a bit stagnant. I’m not sure what it is exactly that I lack, but I just feel a bit lackadaisical and unenthusiastic.

At the beginning of the summer when I came back from BYU I was so excited to get involved with my internship and volunteering and going on trips and everything, but the internship fell through, and the classes I took ended, and now all I have is working at home w/ Dad which I don’t always like. I’m not sure living at home is the best thing for me at this point, but I’m kinda stuck here, seeing as I have only about 5-6 weeks to go. The thing I don’t like is feeling obligated to be here and like I’m deserting my family if I go out. When I’m at school, no one asks me where I’m going and I can just do what I want. However, it’s not always a bad thing to feel obligated to one’s family. I am greatly indebted to my parents for what they do for me and provide me with free of charge. Meals. Health care. A car. Fresh fruit. A bed to sleep in. Air conditioning. So I feel I do owe them some of my energy in helping around the yard, especially since their own health is deteriorating.

The thing that frustrates me the most is my relationship with Dad; it's by far the most imbalanced, difficult relationship I have right now. Every time I’m around him, I have this sense that he doesn’t even know me anymore, and I would work on telling him who I am if I wasn’t so afraid he would reject me. It’s not just the gay thing, although that is a big part. It’s about accepting that I may have different opinions and that I have a different way of life than he does. I view things like money, work, play, love, sexuality, and spirituality in a very different way from him. Some days I just want to blow open the wall of non-communication between us and shake things up a little, in hopes that we might begin to finally have an honest, genuine dialogue. I just might, someday, but not right now. It’s the risk we take when we get involved with other human beings. Any relationship is a risk, be it friendship, parenthood, or a romantic relationship. We have no guarantee for what the other person will end up doing or becoming, and we must simply press forward with the knowledge we have and the common sense to keep out of too much trouble.

UGH! Life.

To finish, I’ll recount a good thing from today. During the sacrament, after I’d passed the water by without partaking, I was sitting praying to God to help me figure things out, to keep his Influence in my life and to help me be aware of it and how to share it with others. I read the words of the hymn “Reverently and Meekly Now” with such phrases as “I have loved thee as my friend / with a love that cannot end.” And after reading it and praying I had a few moments of that exquisite peace that I sometimes feel where the only words that describe it are “It’s going to be ok. It is ok. I am ok. Everything will be ok.” A calm, powerful reassurance that I can be at peace, that I’ll be ok. I feel that as long as I stay in touch with my heart and my soul, the very essence of who I am and the person I want to become, I will be ok. As long as I don’t lose sight of my role in life as a witness of truth, a listening ear, and a helping hand, I will be ok. As long as I stay my selfishness and try to think of others first, I’ll be ok. As long as I seek and celebrate goodness in all its forms, I’ll be ok. As long as I stand up for what is right and build the courage to speak out against what is wrong, I’ll be ok.

I’m reading Man’s Search for Meaning right now, and it has caused me to reflect on the meaning of my life. I don’t think that the purpose of life is to be happy. There are so many people who are miserable and who have horrible lives, but who may see meaning in their suffering, which one might label as happiness or acceptance. Many happiness-oriented people, even in the Church, tend toward hedonism, which isn't the point of living. I think that we should seek but not expect happiness; we should also expect and not shun suffering, for it will teach us more than happiness ever will. All to often I get depressed about having a bad day or two, when I have forgotten all the days where I was happy if not reasonably content. It’s in days like yesterday and today (which really weren’t that terrible) that I reflect more and that I pause to see where I am and where I am headed. I have to remind myself that it’s ok to have a blue day once in a while, because I have so many that are wonderful.

Hope is dead.

Y'all better give up now: I found this in the Salt Lake City Cemetery.

FIXING FRANK...fixing myself?

The other day when I was at the library I picked out a DVD that intrigued me called Fixing Frank. The synopsis reads:

“Reporter Frank Johnston is sent undercover by his boyfriend, psychotherapist Jonathan Baldwin to write and exposé on Dr. Arthur Apsey, a therapist who claims he can successfully change gay men to straight men! Posing as a patient, Frank eventually falls under Apsey’s spell. As Frank’s relationship with Jonathan deteriorates, a fierce psychological tug of war erupts between the two doctors over the heart and the mind of Frank.”

Basically, the film examines reparative therapy, the type of therapy designed to “repair” a homosexual individual and help them become, if not completely heterosexual, the least homosexual possible. For a while, I wondered which side the film was promoting (it is ultimately against RT), but it was interesting and challenging to hear the arguments made by Dr. Apsey as he defended his methods. Dr. Baldwin denounces such therapy as being inhumane and damaging, but Apsey boldly advocates the virtues of his approach.

When I first came out to myself, I remember the great distress that permeated every moment, the looming acceptance of something I had always hoped could not be true about me. I remember thinking that once I went to a therapist and worked through my issues I would be “fine” in six months or so—what a cheerfully naïve prognosis! In the counseling I did do, I worked through my self-worth issues and my perfectionism, such that by the end of the semester I was no longer depressed and, hey! I even started to like myself a little.

It was at that point that I began attending Evergreen meetings, where I met other gay LDS men like myself who were seeking support and answers to far-reaching questions like “Is change possible?” “Could I one day marry a woman?” etc. When I first joined, I was told to buy three books: In Quiet Desperation, Growing into Manhood, and Jason Park’s Resolving Homosexual Problems: A Guide for LDS Men. I read the Park book first, and it essentially advocates a reparative approach, discussing male emotional needs and possible reasons why men are socialized to have homosexual feelings. I found many things interesting and because I had so little knowledge and experience it all seemed fine and dandy to me. Just fill those homoemotional and homosocial needs, and the homosexuality goes away! Or if it doesn’t go away, it will diminish such that normal heterosexual feelings could take its place, or the person would feel less distressed.

Wanting to know how this might happen, I began reading Alan Meninger’s book Growing into Manhood. As has happened with only two or three books that I can recall, I couldn’t finish it. The book freaked me out! The message I got from what I read was that I would essentially have to give up my personality and interests and force myself into more “masculine” circles in order to learn how to be a man because I didn’t when I was growing up. While I grant that I did feel excluded from many of the “male rites of passage” in my childhood and teenage years, what that book proposed scared me and seemed to place before me an insurmountable and perhaps damaging task. So I stopped reading it, bewildered and wondering what would happen to me if I could never change and I remained (gasp) myself with (gasp) homosexual feelings.

Then I read In Quiet Desperation. Though I don’t know how much I agree with/relate to it now, at the time it was so helpful for me in getting me away from the I-have-to-change-soon-or-I’ll-always-be-miserable mindset. The concept that helped me most was when Ty Mansfield said that, in reference to our ultimate salvation, our sexual orientation won’t save us. Heterosexuality isn’t our savior, God is. From that point on I decided it was much better to work on my relationship with God and remain close to him instead of trying to be someone I’m not and feel something I don’t. I threw out the idea of trying to become straight and “resolve my homosexual problems” and instead worked on self-acceptance, spirituality, and developing wholeness in my life.

Seeing the film last night brought back all of these memories, including the prior conflict I had felt, feeling much like Frank at times where I didn’t know what I wanted or who to believe. In one scene, Dr. Apsey offers Frank a pill that he says will make him straight, hypothetically. He asks Frank to ignore everything other than his own voice and then asks if he would take the pill. I have been asked a similar question when I’ve spoken in classrooms. People have asked me if I would change my orientation were I given the opportunity. For a while the answer would have been a simple “yes,” but now I’m not so sure. I have learned so much about living and I have had to confront issues that I never would have because of my homosexuality. I have learned greater empathy and understanding, for myself and others. It’s a tricky question, and right now I have an idea the answer today would be “no.”

How do I feel about reparative therapy? The thought I took away from watching this movie was that changing one's sexual orientation is, as with many things, a choice. Those people who do not want their same-sex desires might benefit from such therapy, though some people come off worse because of it. I don't see it as unethical or immoral to help people attain the state of being they desire, but it is a choice on the part of the person and it takes an enormous amount of committment. Personally, I think it would be damaging for me to deconstruct my feelings and my reality at this point. However, I have deep respect for my friends who are trying to change and those in mixed-orientation relationships. Props to you if you can do it, and I won't try to stop you. Every person has to decide what is best for him/her. The following words of my favorite musical Wicked seem to fit those who choose either path:

Glinda: I hope you're happy / Now that you're choosing this...

Elphaba: You too - I hope it brings you bliss

Both: I really hope you get it / And you don't live to regret it / I hope you're happy in the end / I hope you're happy, my friend...

enfin!!!!

After a couple weeks of aimlessly wandering about my neighborhood looking for people to talk to or things to do, I finally have something that will keep me occupied!!! I fell upon an opportunity to volunteer at a hospice and homecare facility in Salt Lake, and I'm way excited about it. It might seem bizarre to be excited to work with dying people and their families, but when I first interviewed with the social workers at the place I came away with a jubilant sense of assurance that I really am on track with my career direction. I love this stuff, and this is yet another confirmation that I am working toward a profession that will be meaningful and fulfilling to me. The people there are so awesome, and when I came out to one of the social workers, she came out to me, which was fun(ny). But I look forward to shadowing the SW's, chaplain, and nurses, and eventually having people to visit and help out. I'm sure I'll have experiences to share and feeling to explore as I get into it.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

I just feel the need to write, to work out my thoughts in a way other than thinking them. I have really enjoyed this day. For the first time in a LOOONNNGGG while, I enjoyed church today. After a month as a nomadic church member, I finally found the ward I am supposed to attend, and I went today. Sacrament meeting was okay, but what really impressed me was the friendliness of the ward members. The girls in front of and behind me all asked if I was new and we chatted for a while, one even invited me to a barbeque at her house. It felt so genuine and friendly, and I didn’t feel weird there. Then I met up with some guys from my home ward, and we went to Gospel Principles. The teacher was starting the course over, so the lesson was on God the Father. People in the class had some really insightful comments, and I even made a few comments myself. Not the rehearsed, I-know-the-right-answer-so-I’ll-just-say-it type of comments, but I feel I was able to genuinely express my feelings and even talk about my spiritual weaknesses, such as they are.

In fact, I told the class that unlike other people who had just commented, I have grown up with a stronger connection to Heavenly Father than to Jesus Christ, something I am working through and trying to examine and strengthen. I didn’t say anything like, “I don’t believe in Jesus Christ” because I don’t think that’s true. But I adequately expressed that concern and I even heard some other comments that were helpful to me. The basic idea was this: Since God and Christ share the same attributes, then one reason for Christ to come to earth would be to show men the true character of God. Since we have no physical evidence of God himself, at least there has been a person on the earth who claimed to be his Son, to possess his same attributes, in order to show us how to be like God our Father and return to him. Much of my problem is that I often don’t know where to place Jesus in relation to God, since all the functions people attribute to Christ seem to be filled or able to be filled by the Father. This explanation I heard today made sense—in a way that resounded with my logic as well as my personal Truth-sensor.

Unfortunately, I had to cut out early from that class because my parents were both speaking in my home ward. That was also a beautiful experience. My mom talked about baptism, and gave a pretty comprehensive discourse on it. It was special to see her bare her spirituality publicly. Then my dad spoke. His topic was repentance, and he did a wonderful job. What I liked best was the personal way in which he approached the subject. He related several experiences he had with his father as a young boy, where he made a mistake and his dad got angry and punished him (physically and verbally). One time, as a teenager, he backed into a neighbor’s car, and drove off without realizing it. The next day, the neighbor called asking my dad to come over, and he walked the long mile to the man’s house. Dad apologized profusely, offering to pay for the damage. The neighbor calmly and kindly said, “No, I can pay for it. Your apology is enough.” My dad was stunned by this reaction, being used to anger and punishment in retribution for mistakes. In concluding, he said that more dads should be like that kind neighbor. I don’t exactly know why, but I got teary-eyed during my dad’s talk. I do know, though, that during those 10-15 minutes, I saw the very best of my dad. I saw the part of him that is loving, wise, honest, and tender. I think that is what made me emotional. It was a beautiful moment.

Walden: some thoughts

For the last few weeks, I have been basking in the words of Henry David Thoreau’s book, Walden. I chose it to read first this summer because I believed it would set a good tone for my summer, and it has. If anything, it has deepened my appreciation for the simple things in life. It has really resonated with my own recent thoughts about life, the meaning of life, society and society’s problems, and living authentically. So far, my favorite section has been “Economy”, in which he lays out his reasoning for going to Walden Pond, and he analyzes the basic human needs of food, shelter, clothing, and fuel. For each, he tries to find the original meaning it had and how that meaning has been altered or corrupted in our present day. For example, he says that clothing was initially intended to keep our internal heat inside, to conserve our energy and keep us warm. Over time, however, society has placed more importance on the condition, style, (and brand in our modern times) of one’s clothing than the dignity and worth of the person wearing it. He says: “No man ever stood the lower in my estimation for having a patch in his clothes; yet I am sure that there is greater anxiety, commonly, to have fashionable, or at least clean and unpatched clothes, than to have a sound conscience. . . . Often if an accident happens to a gentleman’s legs, they can be mended; but if a similar accident happens to the legs of his pantaloons, there is no help for it; for he considers, not what is truly respectable, but what is respected.”

Brilliant. And he speaks in a similar way about everything, intensely looking into the crevices of our thought and behaviors in society, trying to sift out what is wrong or unnecessary and keeping that which is true and beneficial. I find a sweet, simple inspiration in his words, and for the first time in a long time I feel a connection to a writer through his words. Sitting down to read Walden is like briefly entering another person’s thoughts, in order to benefit from his musings and strokes of enlightenment. There’s simply too much to talk about with this book. If anything, I need some time to collect my thoughts and that might take till I finish the book itself. I hope to write more on it again soon, but for now I would just like to share some of my favorite passages:

“Most men, even in this comparatively free country, through mere ignorance and mistake, are so occupied with the factitious cares and superfluously coarse labors of life that its finer fruits cannot be plucked by them.”

“As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.”

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?”
“I say, beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.”

“But lo! Men have become tools of their tools. The man who independently plucked the fruits when he was hungry is become a farmer; and he who stood under a tree for shelter, a housekeeper. We now no longer camp as for a night, but have settled down on earth and forgotten heaven.”

“Before we can adorn our houses with beautiful objects the walls must be stripped, and our lives must be stripped, and beautiful housekeeping and beautiful living be laid for a foundation: now, a taste for the beautiful is most cultivated out of doors, where there is no house and no housekeeper.”

(On students) “I mean that they should not play life, or study it merely, while the community supports them at this expensive game, but earnestly live it from beginning to end. How could youths better learn to live than by at once trying the experiment of living?”

“A man is not a good man to me because he will feed me if I should be starving, or warm me if I should be freezing, or pull me out of a ditch if I should ever fall into one. I can find you a Newfoundland dog that will do as much. Philanthropy is not love for one’s fellow-man in the broadest sense. . . . I want the flower and fruit of a man; that some fragrance be wafted over from him to me, and some ripeness flavor our intercourse. His goodness must not be a partial and transitory act, but a constant superfluity, which costs him nothing and of which he is unconscious. This is a charity that hides a multitude of sins.”

“Every morning was a cheerful invitation to make my life of equal simplicity, and I may say innocence, with Nature herself.”

“Morning is when I am awake and there is a dawn in me.”

“The millions are awake enough for physical labor; but only one in a million is awake enough for effective intellectual exertion, only one in a hundred millions to a poetic or divine life. To be awake is to be alive. I have never yet met a man who was quite awake. How could I have looked him in the face?”

“Let us settle ourselves, and work and wedge our feet downward through the mud and slush of opinion, and prejudice, and tradition, and delusion, and appearance, . . . through poetry and philosophy and religion, till we come to a hard bottom and rocks in place, which we can call reality, and say, This is, and no mistake; . . .”

“How can you expect the birds to sing when their groves are cut down?”

“Give me the poverty that enjoys true wealth.”

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.”

success

A couple weeks ago, I went to BYU to speak before a sociology class about my experience of being a gay Mormon. I did the same thing last semester, and it was a very positive experience for everyone involved. I was in the same class last fall, and I came out to my professor at that time. He invited me, if I was willing, to talk to his class about my experience. I accepted, and have now become the honorary gay BYU student for that class. My goal in doing this is really to increase awareness and promote understanding. So far, it has been nothing but successful, as the following reaction from a student shows (I edited my name out with dashes and a few grammatical corrections were made):


"The day that ------ came and spoke to our class about sexual orientation and his personal experience here at BYU and being gay really got me thinking. Sexual orientation is such a difficult matter because it is a subject that is very complex. It is not black and white at all. When I was younger, it was made clear to me that being gay was wrong and a very serious sin in God's eyes. I grew up in a religious, active LDS family, and for some reason grew up with the idea that someone who was gay chose to be that way because they must be wicked of course. Soon after being introduced to the concept same sex attraction, ideas and talk suggested that being gay or a lesbian was more than choice, that it was a genetic part of a person's make up. From my observation, people around me such as my parents, church leaders, and members of my community, simply regarded this scientific approach to sexual orientation as a means of justifying the wicked. Although I didn't ever hate gay people, I always thought that part of them chose to be that way. Now I think very differently when it comes to a person's sexual orientation. I am much more open now.

"As we discussed in class and read about in our text book, a person's sexual orientation is truly something that people are born with. If being gay or being a lesbian is a sin and unacceptable before God, then why would he send people to Earth with genes to make them that way? I suppose there are the people who argue that having those attractions are just a way that God is testing these people, but I would hope that the God we believe in would not be so cruel. To deny yourself of love, pleasure, and being with someone who truly makes you happy is the worst punishment I can even imagine. I mean, these people can deny, deny, deny all their lives, and then what? Are they ultimately alone? Would God really want this, when in the scriptures he states that the purpose of man and this life is to have joy? Yet, if these people "give in" to their attratctions are they forever sinners who are doomed and cut off from exaltation? It just seems like such a lose lose situation. These are questions that I have been pondering since ------ came and spoke to our class.How do I feel about same-sex marriages and or civil unions? I used to think I knew, that the answer was so clear. In our church's family proclamation it clearly states that marriage is between man and woman. But even in this church people struggle with their sexual orientation. Is it better that they never marry when we are told that marriage is the most important covenant we make in this life to help us get to the celestial kingdom? Should they deny their true heart's desires and marry someone from the opposite sex and be miserable for the rest of their lives? Is that what God wants from these people? What is the chance that they will not only hurt themselves but their families if they decide one day that they can no longer put on the facade and leave their wife and children? It is just so sad to me, and I feel like there is no real good answer to any of it, even inside the chuch.

"Ultimately I think that in the end God will be the judge and the decider of all of us, that it is not up to any of us to judge or to make the rules. I think that it is easy to say that being gay is wrong or that marriage is clearly just supposed to be between a man and a woman when we dont personally know anyone who is gay. Yet, would the people who have these so sure assumptions change their minds at all if it were their son or daughter who had these struggles? I would think they would. I think that hearing ------ and learning more about sexual orientation and the complexity of it all has if anything made me more open and understanding, and less judgemental. And for that I am grateful."

If Democrats had any brains....

Now, when I walk into my dad's office, I see a number of newly-purchased books lining his bookshelf. Among them are Liberal Fascism, Because They Hate, Godless by Ann Coulter, and her new book If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans. Somewhat bewildered, I examined this new Coulter creation. I had already attempted to read Godless, telling myself I would attempt to keep an open mind and listen to her point of view. However, I only got halfway through the first chapter before I felt degraded by its overwhelming negativity and hatefulness. Her arguments were weak, her appeals were emotional and not rational, and every page was lined with statements that I simply cannot and would never want to agree with.

My dad takes in a hefty dose of similar opinions each day, beginning with Laura Ingram, proceeding to Rush Limbaugh, on to Sean Hannity, and finally to some nice bedtime stories with Ann C. I am often saddened by the effect this has had on my dad. He will mutter angry words about people sometimes, calling them (especially gays ;)) "scumbags" and "maggots"--all taken from Limbaugh's rhetoric. Just today I heard beloved Rush say in a very nasty tone that the problem with "liberals" is that they are never satisfied, they never have enough. He proclaimed that America is doing just fine and that President Bush is the man for the job.

When I hear people demonizing liberals like that, I think of my friends, many if not most of whom are self-identified liberals. Somehow, in them I see what it truly means to be passionate about life, to care for others no matter what, to think deeply and examine issues before taking a stand. They represent the most cherished qualities we find in humanity, yet those whose opinions my dad feasts on would condemn their aspirations and beliefs as silly, godless, and irrational. How sad.

I recently changed my political views on Facebook to "liberal." Usually, I eschew labels except when they prove useful in representing the idea or identity I want them to. I do identify as "gay" because that represents in large measure how I feel and how I am, though I strongly reject adherence to stereotypes for stereotypes' sake. In a similar way, I have labeled myself "liberal" on Facebook. This does not mean that I accept all "liberal doctrines" (as Ann C. calls them) but that it most closely represents my views on social and political issues. I know how my parents feel about different issues because we have discussed them openly all my life, yet my experience has informed my views, and because my experience has been/is different, my views are, too.

Whenever I talk about this, I hear the "tolerance paradox" echoing in the back of my head. The argument that liberals focus on being tolerant while they are intolerant of conservative views. I hope I don't do that. I want to be open and at least listen to what others have to say, even when I strongly disagree. Even now, I remain "conservative" on some issues, and in any case, Utah and American politics is highly skewed to the right anyway, so in Europe I would most likely be seen as a far right fanatic.

Just some thoughts from today. :)

Excuse the emoticons.

l'été dernier

Exactly one year ago, I left my home for a grand, 3-month adventure in my belovèd France. This past week I have felt the pull of my beaux souvenirs and so I write to perhaps dispell the not-so-small twinge of sadness that I'm not there right now. Basically, I am a sentimental fool that sometimes prefers to savour the past. This is such a moment.

The above picture is the first picture I took of Caen, outside my bedroom window when I first arrived. I remember that first day: Sitting, heartbroken, on a plane, watching The Holiday and bawling my eyes out because I had left someone I dearly loved. Being distracted by the hot French guy across the aisle from me (one of the three hot French guys I saw my whole time there). Arriving in Paris early in the morning, emerging from the escalator onto an "everyday" Paris street. Buying my first official pain au chocolat and Orangina for breakfast. Asking for directions to the Gare St-Lazare. Running to composter (punch) my train ticket and losing my flip-flop in the way, watching it fly underneath a neighboring train. Running half-barefoot to my second-class seat. Feeling bewildered, sweaty, dirty, and a bit sick on the train, surrounded by strangers. Arriving at the Caen train station, looking for Virginie, the one person I had talked to beforehand, not finding her, and waiting. Driving to the Université de Caen and going to my room. Collapsing on my bed and sleeping for several hours. Eating dinner with Virginie's family. Not sleeping all that night.

I remember waking up with a kind of tentative excitement, like a kid on Christmas morning. I threw back the curtain of my room and saw that same view of my new home town. Caen: la ville de Guillaume le Conquérant et la Deuxième Guerre mondiale. The next three months brought many dear friends, beautiful experiences, and personal growth. Though I have a lot to do and look forward to this summer, and though I intend to have beautiful experiences with dear friends and grow personally this summer too, I will most likely still compare it to my incredible été 2007 in Normandy.

*picture of the last sunset I saw in Caen *sniff*

summer book list

I am so looking forward to summer. It will be a welcome change from eight months in school. I'll be taking one class just so I can transition into academic nothingness a little more easily, but I'll also be doing my internship, volunteering, playing with friends, etc. I have much hope for this summer, and one of the things I am most looking forward to is READING FOR PLEASURE!!!

So I am trying to compile a list of books I will read this summer, and I would love your help! If you have a book that you love, that has changed your life, that made you laugh, that made you see yourself or the world in a different way, please tell me! I would especially like to read 20th century fiction, contemporary fiction/non-fiction, and books in French. But I would love any and all suggestions! Here's what I have so far:

My Summer Reading List:

The Glass Castle
Man’s Search for Meaning
Walden
The Golden Compass trilogy
Le Scaphandre et le Papillon (if I can find a copy that doesn't cost $130)
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Love's Executioner
Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in America
The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream
The Life of Pi
Naked


So please tell me what other books I should read!

Conference Weekend

So General Conference has come and gone, once again. The questions at school tomorrow will be, "How'd you like conference?" "What was your favorite talk?" "Conference was great, huh!" My answers to those questions this time around are quite different from those in years past. I feel like I need to write down some of my feelings about this weekend as I continue to process all of them.

How did I like conference? It was okay. There were some hilarious moments and a couple talks touched me, but for the most part I felt disinterested and quite distant from the things everyone was saying. I like to think that I went into it with an open mind and with the desire to learn something or hear something helpful. However, I came away from each session feeling little, or feeling sad because of the apparent disconnect with my religion and my former faith. I would describe this conference as bland, as there were no ear-catching talks like we've had in the past (Pres. Hinckley's talk on peace and war, Elder Oaks on pornography, etc.). The only one that really captured my attention and that I loved was Elder Wirthlin's. In it he said something like "God didn't create an orchestra of people to only value the piccolos." The message I got from him was that it isn't necessary to fit a certain mold in order to be a good church member. Duh. But I think it was beautifully delivered and it really spoke to me because I think it's easy to forget. It spoke to me where I am now, spiritually and emotionally. I would like to think that I can be myself and still be a good Mormon. Elder Wirthlin is such a sweet man, and I am just now remembering that my favorite talk last conference was his, on love. Maybe there's a trend.....

There were some hilarious moments. President Monson wiggling his ears---helLO! Probably the most riotously hilarious conference moment of my life. The newly-sustained prophet wiggles his ears in the first priesthood session. I guess another outcome of the conference was a renewed/newfound appreciation of Pres. Monson. He's such a genuine, kind, personable man, and I really loved his words about Frances, his wife. That was quite tender.

Another hilarious moment: During priesthood session the kid in front of me had fallen asleep and as I looked at him I noticed something strange. He had his elbow resting on his hand which was upside down on his knee, and one of his fingers was blue. BLUE! I couldn't believe it at first, but my friend next to me confirmed it, and I suddenly became concerned that the young man in front of me was about to lose a finger. I tried to kick his chair but it didn't wake him up. After a couple minutes he started snoring, at which point his dad nudged him. Upon waking up he shook his finger and I saw color flowing back into it. Whew.

Other than that, I don't remember much what was said. It seemed like the same old things, things I have heard my whole life and am now questioning, and the answers to my questions just didn't seem to be there. It isn't that I disagree with the doctrines and teachings of the church. I have essentially taken a step back and am now investigating my once-firmly-held beliefs from the outside in. Instead of just accepting things because they are nice and because they seem good or true or right, I am examining the implications such beliefs have for me and my loved ones. During priesthood, someone said I am a "son of God". This is a belief I find very beautiful and valuable in my life. At first I just let those words come in my ear like all the rest. But no. Wait. "Son of God?" What does that mean? If that's true, what do I need to do? Does God care what kind of son I am? It seems that this one principle has a lot of potential in determining the way I see myself and proceed with my life. And I do love that teaching, but I think I have even put that one in the "to be reviewed" category.

That category has grown in the past few weeks and months. In it are such things as the reality and relevance of Jesus Christ, the First Vision, Church authority and administration, necessity of ordinances, reality of the Devil, the place of women in the church, and the validity of my own past spiritual experiences. Sometimes these seem like such daunting doubts to tackle, and I think most of the time I complacently let them sit in a pile on the floor. But Conference caused me to reflect on those things and I guess the only thing I felt was a sense of bewilderment at being in a place I thought I would never find myself. I came home from my mission not quite three years ago, and now I am questioning the fundamental beliefs of the Church I served for 2 years, and believed in my whole life?

There are some things I don't question, or dare not question. I believe God exists, that he cares for me, and that he helps me in my life. I believe there is purpose and meaning in my life, and the lives of all those around me. Beyond that, I am still trying to figure things out. My greatest hope and comfort is that I can rely on God to guide me and direct me where I should go. The thing I want to work on most is my communication with him, so that I can clearly communicate what I feel and need and want, and understand the answers He gives me. God is the only One I trust with my life path and my future. May I listen as He guides me.

Dear Dad,

When we were talking during breakfast on Saturday, you said something that really hurt me. As we were talking politics, you made a comment on homosexuals saying, "If they want to practice their lifestyle, whatever, but I would never be friends with one of them." Taken aback, I asked, "One of who?" "Homosexuals." You replied. You then went on to say that it is important to stay away from the kinds of people that will bring us down, that don't hold good moral standards.

Perhaps one day, Dad, I'll be able to tell you that I'm a 'homosexual'. It hurt to see you shut out a whole group of people (which includes 'good' and 'bad' individuals, as any group does) based on one characteristic. I've heard you call Rosie O'Donnell a "scumbag" and a "maggot" and I know you can't even watch anything referencing gays on the news. But what if I come to you one day and let you know that this is something that I deal with as well? Will you turn away from me because I will bring you down morally? Will you shut me out because I'm different? Will you still love me?

I pray God you will, because Dad, I love you so much and always will. No matter what.

your son

beau sourire

I just want to thank the beautiful girl with Down's syndrome that I saw today. Her radiant smile made my day.

:)

Gandhi's Seven Deadly Sins

Mohandas Karamachand Gandhi, one of the most influential figures in modern social and political activism, considered these traits to be the most spiritually perilous to humanity:

Wealth without Work
Pleasure without Conscience
Science without Humanity
Knowledge without Character
Politics without Principle
Commerce without Morality
Worship without Sacrifice

taken from this site:

http://www.deadlysins.com/features/gandhi.htm

activism

Over the past month I have had contrasting moments where I realize how blessed I am and how good my life is, and how horrible and awful life is for many other people in this world. Granted, I have hard days and sometimes I think my life is so difficult and terrible. My life is the only one I have lived or will ever live, so I know the most about it. However, I would take my trials, challenges, doubts, questions, and hardships over those of anyone else. I've had recent experiences where I've had a window into the lives of others, and it has given me a much stronger desire to DO SOMETHING to help those who need it.

A couple weeks ago, I started watching Schindler's List. That film affects me so strongly, and even after watching half of it I came away with renewed amazement of what we sometimes do to our fellow human beings. Anything I see or read about the Holocaust amazes and terrifies me. During the movie I looked at the Germans who truly believed what they were doing was okay. Perhaps some of them questioned what they were doing. Perhaps when they went home to their families that night remembering the killings they had aided in that day. Then I looked at the Jews and thought of the emotional cost of seeing your husband or wife shot right next to you. Of seeing your grandfather led away to be killed because he's "worthless." After watching it I thought, "That was roughly 70 years ago. Only 70 years ago. My parents were alive when that happened. But what is going on in our world right now?" It's not hard to then think of places like Darfur, Burma, Rwanda, and others that have witnessed terrible crimes against humanity. I also think of my own ancestors who were raped, murdered, and forced out of their homes because of their religion. That was in the United States of America, the home of the free and land of the brave.

I'm also in an abnormal psychology class this semester, and we have been talking about some very difficult and damaging problems in society and in peoples' lives. We've talked about eating disorders, suicide, and depression. Having had my own struggles with depression, I know what it means to want to harm yourself and even end your own life. I know that so many people around us struggle with similar feelings, and I also know that healing and recovery are possible. I always hope that I would be able to offer help and healing to someone going through a difficult time. Too often the deepest heartaches and sharpest pains go unexpressed.

Last time in my class we talked about substance abuse, and it made me so sad to see how people destroy their bodies, relationships, and quality of life by using drugs and other addictive substances. Not only does it affect those who partake, but also their children,
their partner, parents, and the society they live in. I thought of people I've known and know now that use addictive substances and I worry about them and how that will play out in their future life.

A couple days ago a friend of mine was telling me about a book he's reading that describes children growing up in a poor, sexually-abusive household and how they were able to finally leave it to make better lives for themselves. Then I just think that every day, women and children are abused emotionally, physically, and sexually. Such abuse is a reality for many people, and has far-reaching consequences.

All of this probably seems obvious. Of course there are terrible things in the world. Most religions attempt to explain why bad things exist and why they happen to us. There are many people who do great good on an individual, national, and international level in helping those who are suffering and caught in dangerous situations. The point of this post is that I have internalized this reality more than I have in the past, and I feel like my former complacency will no longer be enough. I want to help people. I want to make a difference "in my Calcutta" as Mother Teresa said. Of course I can't attack all of the evils in the world and change them, but I think it's important that I look for ways in which I can make a difference in my sphere of influence. The career I'm seeking will provide me with many opportunities I'm sure, but I'm sure right now there are things I can do as a student to help and improve the world around me.

I have so many friends who are examples of this to me. They participate in and organize activities that increase awareness and promote understanding of difficult issues and events going on in the world. Up to this point I have simply admired them from the sidelines, perhaps chipping in the extra minute to listen to them explain what they are involved in. But now, I think I might be starting to understand the feeling that motivates them. Sure I can't change the whole world, but I can use my influence when I can for the good of others and I can seek out opportunities to help. It all seems vague right now, and I'm sitting here with a kind of "now what?" feeling.

All I know is that I don't want to settle into semi-ignorant complacency again. I want this to lead to something more proactive and ultimately more meaningful.

My spiritual journey continues....

This has been a spiritually moving week, culminating in an actually interesting/edifying Sunday. I have been reading the Book of Mormon with one of my close friends lately, to discuss the scriptures openly and ask questions and get opinions on doctrines and specific verses. It's been helpful, but the other night we were both too tired to concentrate/care about what we were reading. So to close off our session I just looked for a red-highlighted scripture to read. I turned to Alma 36:3, which reads:

And now, O my son Helaman, behold, thou art in thy youth, and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.

Upon reading this verse I thought, "YEAH! This is what I deeply and truly believe and long for!" It goes right along with my current approach of letting God guide my life and seeking his guidance in figuring out what I should do in my life. It's certain that along the way I will have trials, troubles, and afflictions (since I already have experienced some) and it's so comforting to know that there is someone in whom I can completely trust to support me. The last clause, when I read it, brought me the same lovely feeling of peace that always means, "It will be OK. Don't worry. It will be OK." I know how I would like my life to turn out and there are things I would prefer over others, but as I put my trust in God my Father then I can know that wherever he leads me I can be confident in knowing that I should be there.

So today at church, I was reading in the Joseph Smith manual (because for once I brought it with me) and I found some gems that really struck me. I want to ponder them some more but here they are with my initial thoughts:

1. "When the fact is admitted, that the immediate will of heaven is contained in the Scriptures, are we not bound as rational creatures to live in accordance to all its precepts? Will the mere admission that this is the will of heaven ever benefit us if we do not comply with all its teachings? Do we not offer violence to the Supreme Intelligence of heaven when we admit the truth of its teachings, and do not obey them? Do we not descend below our own knowledge, and the better wisdom which heaven has endowed us with, by such a course of conduct? For these reasons, if we have direct revelations given us from heaven, surely those revelations were never given to be trifled with, without the trifler's incurring displeasure and vengeance upon his own head, if there is any justice in heaven...."

This one, I admit, knocked the wind out of me a bit. I love the boldness that Joseph Smith uses. And I agree with him 100%. IF we really do take the scriptures as being the "immediate will of heaven," THEN it behooves us to live what they teach. I believe the same goes for our own personal revelations and spiritual experiences. If God has given us light, we can then only live with our without that light. There isn't really a way to do both or neither. I'm still working out my 100% belief in the scriptures, though I know they are important and valuable. I have in the past felt peace about them being true, so I am trying to work all of that out now.


2. "Be plain and simple and ask for what you want, just like you would go to a neighbor and say, 'I want to borrow your horse to go to [the] mill.'"


Here Joseph is talking about the manner in which we pray. I love the idea of leaving the rote repetitions behind and the cliched phrases and really just saying what we mean. I was thinking the other day how in contemporary English the thee, thou, thy, thine form and the you, your, yours form have swapped meanings. Apparently thee was originally familiar and you was formal, but as we all know, they have swapped connotations in our current usage. In French we use the familiar tu form and not the formal vous form in contemporary French, so why not in English? I feel much more personal and genuine when I talk to God using you, etc. In the MTC they were so strict about using the thee form, they even passed out a paper explaining that that was the proper way to pray. In a foreign language like French there's no problem, but why must we be so awkward in English?

I also appreciate how in Joseph's example he uses a banal example for the request. It's like saying, "Hey, I'd like to borrow your car to run to the grocery store real quick." God knows us pretty darn well, so all the formality seems highly unnecessary. And I also believe he cares about our daily needs and issues.

3. "Mormonism is truth; and every man who embraces it feels himself at liberty
to embrace every truth: consequently the shackles of superstition, bigotry,
ignorance, and priestcraft, fall at once from his neck, and his eyes are opened to see the truth, and truth greatly prevails over priestcraft....Mormonism is truth, in other words the doctrine of the Latter-Day Saints, is truth. The first and fundamental principle of our holy religion is, that we believe that we have a right to embrace all, and every item of truth, without limitation or without being circumscribed or prohibited by the creeds or superstitious notions of men, or by the dominations of one another, when that truth is clearly demonstrated to our minds, and we have the highest degree of evidence of the same."

I think this is one of the clearest and most beautiful teachings I've read of Joseph Smith. At least it really resonates with me right now. I love how he defines Mormonism as the search of Truth--everywhere! And I have a suspicion that some of the creeds, superstitions, and limitations to the discovery of truth might be part of "Mormon culture" or the LDS worldview. This reminds me of when I first learned the expansive, far-reaching teachings of Joseph Smith and how it burst my limited, superstitious bubble to other possibilities and realities I had never before thought of. Truth can be found everywhere, and I think it's sad when people limit themselves out of smug self-righteousness or fear of the unknown and don't grapple with difficult ideas and feelings and come out on top with more truth than they had before.

More on all of this later, perhaps. I want to go on a walk before the sun sets since it's a nice evening (although a bit breezy). Happy Sabbath to all!

My mom and I danced viennese waltz in the Marriot Center hallway last night. She did really well for a 62 year-old! It's moments like that where I just love being with my parents!

final resting place

My mom called me the other day, and while talking she said, "Guess what?! You are now the proud owner of a grave plot!" My gramma had an unclaimed gravesite next to hers, and so last weekend she and my mom decided to put it in my name. Apparently a lot of the services are paid as well as the vault and things like that. It was kind of a surreal/morbid conversation, and at one point I asked, "Is the tombstone thrown in as part of the deal?"

Death became more real for me when my aunt passed away last Christmas. I had been to many viewings and funerals before, but she was the first person close to me to pass away. I saw her health suddenly decline, and I will never forget the last time I talked with her, on Christmas Day. I sat by her and held her frail, swollen hand and she asked me about school, and I was able to tell her I loved her. The next time I saw her, her body was still warm, but her heart was no longer beating. She had passed out of this life to a better existence. I believe there is life after this life, that death is not the end of us. This belief definitely helped me deal with her passing, and I was actually glad for her, that she was able to leave her sick, tortured body to rejoin her loved ones and live a life free of mortal inhibition.

As for myself, this same belief helps me look at my eventual death more as a part of life. Death itself does not scare me. I do sometimes worry about dying a painful death or a premature death, but ultimately I won't worry about that once I'm dead. I think having a healthy appreciation for our mortality can help our appreciation of each day and the beauty around us.

One day I was walking to church, and I was looking at the sunny sky and the beautiful snow-capped mountains. I thought, "Today is a beautiful day," then "Today is the last day of life for thousands of people," followed by "Today could even be my last day." These thoughts kind of shocked me by their seriousness and morbidity, but it left me with the desire to appreciate that day and not waste any minute of it. We only have the present, and it's our choice to use it or waste it, to enjoy it or loathe it.

That news from my mom has caused me to once again reflect on my own mortality and the meaning of my life. It's somewhat comforting to know that I have a final resting place waiting for me, but really it's more important that I live my life to the fullest. When the time comes that I use that spot, whether in 70 years or 7 years, will I have been a positive change for good? Will I have helped those around me and showed them that I care about them? Will I have taken care of my loved ones? Will I have stood up for what is right and for those who are right? Will my life have been guided by God and his plan for me? I hope the answer to those questions is YES when "my time" comes. God willing.

Je suis l'écureuil!

On the side of my blog page under the picture it has a question (at least it does in the French version and my blogger/email is in French): Qui êtes-vous?

Qui suis-je? Who am I? Like Juno says, "I don't really know what kind of [boy] I am." My life has undergone some major crises/changes in the last few years, and while I have greatly benefitted from those experiences, they have also caused me to question much that I once took for granted or had accepted about myself. However, there are things that I do know about myself. Here are some of them:

1. I am an inherently valuable person. No matter what I do or where I am, I know that I am worth loving (by myself or others) and I know that my worth is unchangeable.

2. God loves and blesses me. I have a strong belief in my creator who is my Father. He has given me everything I have and he continues to help, guide, and bless me. Even when I feel I don't "deserve" it.

3. I owe everything to my parents, and I love and appreciate them very much. I'm an only child, and I consider my immediate family to be my mom and dad, and my gramma who lives next door to us. My aunt, who lived with my gramma, was also close to me but she passed away this past Christmas. More and more I realize how much my parents have given to me and I realize I can never pay them back completely. (The same goes for God and the way he has blessed me.) My parents are good people who have tried, as best they can, to raise me to be a good person. I think we all feel like they have succeeded.

4. I'm gay. About two and a half years ago I "came out" to myself and began a path of self-acceptance and healing that has led me where I am today. I do identify as being gay, but for now I am not living a homosexual lifestyle. I have tons of gay and straight friends, and though I have dated guys, right now I'm trying to learn to be okay as a single person. But I'm definitely attracted to guys, as is evidenced by the fact that I have been somewhat unconsciously checking out just about every guy around me today.

5. I'm Mormon. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and have done since my birth. My ancestors are among the founders of the Church, and they made great personal sacrifices to help it succeed and grow. It's a fundamental part of who I am, of my world view, and what I believe. Up until recently I have been completely devoted to its teachings and policies, but in the last year I have experienced a change in paradigm such that I am now investigating the Church all over again.

6. I have varied interests. I love French, and have been studying it for over 10 years. I've lived in both Quebec and France and I currently teach intermediate French. I also love psychology, and I have one year left for my bachelor's in psychology. I have personally benefitted from psychotherapy, and I would like to offer the same or similar help to people who need it. Right now I'm looking into counseling psychology and clinical social work as possibilities for graduate study and carreer options. I also love to DANCE! I love hip hop, ballroom, country, salsa, and any other excuse to shake it like there's no tomorrow! Music plays a large role in my life, and my iPod has been one of my closest friends. I listen to all styles of music, it just depends on my mood. I also love art (especially 19th and 20th century), traveling, eating in new/nice restaurants with friends, watching movies, going to cultural events (gallery openings, concerts, local festivals). All of these things make me happy, but most of all I love connecting with people and learning about and from them.