dietary consciousness: a lesson in awareness

I am a vegetarian.  Well, perhaps more of a lacto-ovo-pescatarian at this point in time.  Let me explain: 

 A couple years ago, while at BYU, I was spending all my time on campus--every day, all day.  For convenience, I ate at the Cougareat, and over time I realized that all of my meals contained meat in them, and I began to be sick of always eating meat.  This view was supported by what I knew of the Word of Wisdom, which counsels to eat meat sparingly.  That part of the principle always seemed under-emphasized to me.  In church we always talked about avoiding coffee, tea, tobacco, alcohol, and drugs, but somehow rationalized that eating several hamburgers at a ward BBQ was okay.  Somehow that became a less important part of the law, and carnivorous gluttony seemed a lesser evil than drinking a cup of green tea.

 Anyway, the story continues with me moving into a house with fantastic roommates who were all vegetarian.  That fall we made a dinner group along with the girls who lived across the street--a vegetarian dinner group.  This was my first exposure to a complete vegetarian diet, and I appreciated the delicious preparations my friends and I made for dinner.  Though I still ordered meat dishes in restaurants, my consumption of meat was greatly reduced, and I felt better.  

 From that time on, I became a self-described "meat minimalist," and the only time I would eat meat was when I ate out, and even then not all the time.  The greatest change took place when a friend recommended a website to me, called chooseveg.com.  When I explored the website, it showed how animals are sometimes treated in farms and slaughterhouses, and I was appalled.  Having always been sensitive to the treatment of animals, I was horrified to see how the animals we eat are often deprived of their dignity and are mercilessly abused, then brutally killed.  The site explains ethical, environmental, and health reasons for being vegetarian.  Of course it’s biased toward promoting vegetarianism, but the experience jolted me enough to make me commit being a vegetarian.  My initial reason being that I did not want to support an industry that promotes such a degradation of life and a mass-marketing of cruelty.

 Since then my philosophy behind my diet as well as the diet itself has morphed and expanded, as I seek a reasonable way of living that follows the greater principles behind the practice.  The central principle that guides my eating practices (as well as my way of seeing the world) is CONSCIOUSNESS.  Consciousness of what I put in my body, where it comes from, what it means, and the effect my consumption has on the world around me.  More than anything, I am disgusted by the lack of connection we have to our food in general, whether we eat meat or not.  Thus the principle, in my opinion, is not completely about what I eat, but about recognizing that the food I ingest comes from somewhere, takes resources to produce, and might have a certain dignity that should be respected.  For example, I feel that a cow should have the dignity of being a cow while it is alive, free to roam the pasture, socialize with its cow friends, and then when it is time to kill it, to do so quickly and humanely.  More than anything, I advocate dignified treatment of the life that sustains our life—there is nothing wrong with eating meat, I believe.  It’s just that I am uncomfortable with the amount of meat our society consumes and the methods it uses to produce such mass quantities of meat.  There is a sense of entitlement to eating meat in our society that disgusts me, made worse by the lack of consciousness that the meat we consume comes from actual living things. 

 When I pray over my food, I thank God for the living things that have given their life that I might live—whether they be plants or animals.  I don’t know that I will always avoid eating meat and poultry, but I hope that I can maintain a consciousness about what I eat throughout my life, coupled with a gratitude and appreciation for the sources that sustain me. 

MoTab inspiration

Tonight I went to the free pre-tour concert put on by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.  While I have heard many of the songs many times over, I quite enjoyed the concert, and I was truly touched several times by either the words or the music.  While they sang "Come, come ye saints" these words stood out to me as they were backed by a beautiful sound:

"We'll make the air with music ring, shout praises to our God and King....All is well!"

I'm not sure why I liked that part so much, having sung it all my life, but perhaps the combination of the music and a few months of not having sung it helped me hear it with a fresh ear, and I was able to feel the beauty intended by those words.  

I think we should all make the air ring with the music of our praises to God, for being alive and for living in this beautiful world.  

sex and the salt lake city

I would try to start this post with something punny if I were sex columnist Carrie Bradshaw, but alas I am not.  

Sex and the City has become my all-time favorite television show.  I saw the movie last summer, and surprisingly liked it.  I was touched most by the love I saw between Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha--girlfriends extraordinaires.  Then, during my last semester at BYU, I began watching the TV version, then the DVD version of the series--and my life changed.  SATC provided much-needed catharsis and got me through those last lonely months at school.  

Like any fan, I took a few of the "Which Sex and the City character are you?" quizzes and the most reliable results put me as being about half Miranda and half Charlotte.  Which works.  I do have a practical side when it comes to relationships, at times trying to quell my feelings for someone because they are inconvenient and/or irrational.  Yet I am also the idealistic Charlotte, who after a successful outing with a man exclaims, "Maybe he's THE ONE!"  And while I might fit more comfortably in a Miranda or Charlotte role, I suppose I still aspire to be like the Queen of Sex herself, Samantha.  Avoiding commitment at every turn, she goes from one man to another, like the libidinous sybarite she is.  "It's just sex," she says.  

Samantha Jones has been the patron saint of my summer.  This is because I have a tendency toward monogamy, which probably comes from my upbringing, especially my strictly repressed sexual past.  With girls, who I was never attracted to or interested in, it was fine to go on a date with one girl one week and another the next week.  All in good fun, right?  However, my track record with men is that if I go on a couple good dates with a guy, we end up dating for however long.  That is not to say that I did not enjoy dating who I did in the past--and I am still friends with all of them and care about each of them.  But after all, I am 24, and have only gone out with a handful of men.  Yet there are so many men out there!  So many people to meet!  And at this point in my life I have felt the need to put myself out there and meet a lot of people, dating men with the same frequency and variety that I dated women, and just having a good time. Other factors in this include the fact that I am only in Utah for a couple more months, after which I move to Colorado, so I don't really want a serious relationship at this point.  And so to change things up and try a new approach, I took Samantha for my role model.

It began by finally signing up on Connexion, a networking website for LGB people.  I have many friends on it, but have also met several people on it who I have gone out on dates with.  Some were good, some were mediocre.  I would say that none were bad--no creepers and no jerks.  It has felt so good to be excited to go on a date, and not feel any fear of being seen or discovered.  I am finally able to again enjoy the dating scene--this time with the gender I am attracted to.  

However, I am afraid I am having a hard time sustaining the Samantha in me (probably because there is none), and I find myself sinking back into monogamy.  As much as I admire her, I don't think Samantha and I are compatible.  The Charlotte in me longs for the commitment, stability, and romance of a relationship.  Even if it's a short-term one.  And though nothing is for certain at this point, I have started seeing someone, and I recognize the old patterns returning.  If I enjoy being with someone who I am attracted to, why would I still go out with other people?  That seems to be the rhetorical question I ask myself to justify my monogamous habit, and though I would hate to admit it to Samantha, I think I am slipping back to my old ways.  

So there you have it.  Instead of a glamorous life of one night stands and hordes of lovers, I am most likely doomed to have short- and long-term monogamous relationships, full of commitment, stability, and romance.  And who knows, maybe I will even find "The One."  

mise-à-jour

It's been too long.  There are several subjects/themes I have been meaning to write about for some time floating around in my head, but have not taken the time.  And now we are well into the summer, and I am finally taking the time to write something.  But before I do, I just want to do a little update, so that there is at least some continuity going on....

So it happened.  I finally graduated from BYU!!!!  I quite literally thought it wasn't going to happen, but it all worked out.  I found my last year there particularly difficult, what with Prop 8, a run-in with the beloved Honor Code Office, and mounting anxiety and paranoia about being there.  I spent a lot of my mental time there repeating the rosary prayer, "I don't belong here. I don't belong here."  And guess what?!?!  I felt like I didn't belong and I wanted out even more.  I swore I was going to leave BYU with some kind of anxiety disorder.  My trust in others was essentially hit by a nuclear bomb when I was reported to the HCO, and even though nothing happened, the paranoia, bitterness, and feeling of separateness only increased, until I couldn't stand it anymore.  It numbed the nostalgic feelings I would probably have had, and all I wanted was to graduate and get my diploma.  

That is why I am so grateful I participated in the commencement exercises.  I hadn't anticipated BYU graduation to be such an uplifting, healing, and emotional experience for me.  Yet I found myself moved when I sat in the Marriot Center with my fellow graduates, and I felt a stir of pride as my degree was conferred upon me.  Over the days of commencement and convocation, the bitterness, anger, and distance I had felt for months were eroded away, and I was left with a sense of gratitude for the education I received at BYU, and pride for the achievements and contributions I made while there.  As I sat there, I thought, "You know, I do belong here.  I have made meaningful contribution to the school as well as the education of the students here.  I have every right to possess this diploma, and I am actually proud to do so."  Ultimately, I feel that though BYU may not think so, my life will reflect the values and standards of excellence that it promotes.  I do believe in the saying, "Enter to learn, go forth to serve," and I hope that my personal and professional life can be reflections of the wisdom contained in it.

The way I frame my BYU experience, at least for now, is similar to the way I frame my mission.  It was a cherished experience that was very difficult at times that I would never do again.  And though I might disagree with certain policies and practices at BYU, I can say that I love the school, and that 95% of my happy memories from the last four years are tied to BYU.

But that doesn't mean I wasn't excited to leave, and even more thrilled to receive my diploma in the mail a month ago.  Physical possession of the diploma, to me, symbolized complete emancipation and freedom from retribution.  Essentially, I felt that once I got my diploma in hand, my education and professional future were no longer contingent upon my lifestyle choices, and that I was no longer bound to a moral code I no longer believe in.  And all I can say is that since I got my diploma my life has expanded and developed in wonderful ways (which will be detailed in other posts).  Basically, I moved out of my parents' house into an apartment in Salt Lake with two other gay guys, and I have been soaking up life with many of the people who are dearest to me.  I feel like I am in a secure, centered place spiritually, physically, relationally, and emotionally.  Basically--life is good.