carl rogers, "on becoming human"

"Neither the Bible nor the prophets--neither Freud nor research, neither the revelations of God nor man can take precedence over my own direct experience."

SAD

Over the past five years, I have noticed a pattern:  about the end of December or beginning of January, I begin feeling apathetic, depressed, irritable, and just not myself.  By the end of February or March, I feel cheery and "normal" again.  However, it was only last year when I became aware of the pattern, and though I somewhat anticipated it returning again this winter, I was hoping I could stave it off with exercise, sleep, and a healthy diet.  Well...not so lucky.  I took a look at the most common symptoms of seasonal affective disorder, and I found several that apply (and that recur every year, around this time):

• a change in appetite (somewhat)
• weight gain (i wish)
• a drop in energy level (yep)
• fatigue (yep)
• a tendency to oversleep (somewhat)
• difficulty concentrating (yep)
• irritability and anxiety (yep, much to my chagrin)
• increase sensitivity to social rejection (yep)
• avoidance of social situations and loss of interest in the activities you used to enjoy (yep, it sucks)

I don't really know what the point of my writing this is; I suppose I just want to state that I have this problem, and I need to figure out the best way of going about it.  I just don't feel like myself right now, and I feel more frustrated than anything that my brain chemistry gets screwed up at times when I really have so much good in my life.  Well, this isn't meant to be a pity party, but if anyone has some Prozac to spare, send it over. 

GRAD SCHOOL APPS ARE IN!!!!

I finally submitted all my applications for counseling psychology PhD programs.  I won't know any decisions for a while, but it's such a relief to have the applications done.  Here are the lucky schools that got them:

a dear friend shared this with me yesterday and i love it

the greedy the people
(as if as can yes)
they steal and they buy
and they die for because
though the bell in the steeple
says Why

the chary the wary
(as all as can each)
they don't and they do
and they turn to a which
though the moon in her glory
says Who

the busy the millions
(as you're as can i'm)
they flock and they flee
through a thunder of seem
thoguh the stars in their silence
say Be

the cunning the craven
(as think as can feel)
they when and they how
and they live for until
though the sun in his heaven
says Now

the timid the tender
(as doubt as can trust)
they work and they pray
and they bow to a must
though the earth in her splendor
say May

e. e. cummings

what is a friend?

a friend is:

someone who does your laundry for you when you have been to busy to do it.

someone who sends a meaningful text just to say hello and "thinkin bout ya".

someone (who might be your mom) who loves you unconditionally.

someone (who also might be your mom) with whom you can talk about EVERYTHING under the sun and still be friends afterward.

someone who gives you a ride to wal-mart on sunday because you have no more food.

someone who you dated and who shows that they still care about you.

someone who can sing showtunes with you like nobody's business.

someone who you can tell about your chihuahua.

someone who shares beautiful art, music, and words with you on a walk home, or in an email.

someone you can chat with for two hours that pass like a few minutes.

someone who uplifts and inspires you.

to all my wonderful, amazing friends: i love you so much, and know that the kindnesses you show me never go unappreciated.  thanks for helping me get through a rough couple of weeks.

why i oppose prop 8

What an election year! There are some crucial campaigns that will be decided by the vote in November. Other than the presidential election, the campaign I am most interested in and concerned about is the one for marriage equality in California. The other day I made a feeble attempt to explain my position to the "Yes on 8!" table at school, but I would prefer to do it in writing on a blog that practically no one reads, if only to collect my thoughts and examine the issue further.

Of course I am sympathetic to the cause of marriage equality (hence voting no on prop 8) because I am gay. I realize that I cannot completely divorce myself from my situation to look at the issue completely objectively, but neither can anyone else. However, I have thought about this a lot over the summer and even more this semester, and have come up with a few specific reasons why I oppose prop 8:

1. I look to the case of interracial marriage for an illustration of another form of marriage that was looked upon as immoral, unnatural, and unnecessary. Prior to 1967, when the Supreme Court decided that banning interracial marriage was unconstitutional, there had been many movements to define marriage as being only between people of the same race, as well as legislation passed banning interracial marriage. Today, that would seem unthinkable to many to keep people from marrying because of something they did not choose--their race. I assume that the love between people of different races is the same as that between those of the same race. I simply see too many parallels between interracial marriage and gay marriage to not support a movement that would bring equal treatment and equal rights to all people.

2. When I talked to the Prop 8 people on campus, one of them told me that gay couples already have 99% of the rights of married people and so there is no need to give the term "marriage" to their relationships. The domestic partner laws suffice. To me, this smacks of "separate but equal": Black and white people both have the same right to water, but the black people need to go and use their own fountain. Rosa Parks can ride the bus with everyone else, but she'll just need to sit in the back. Still, she get's 99% of the same transportation as everyone else. That argument just doesn't fly with me. In Alma 30:7 we learn that it is "strictly against the commands of God that there should be a law that would put men on unequal grounds." Prop 8 sounds like such a law to me.

3. Some say that this debate is over the definition of "traditional marriage" and not an attempt to keep rights from people. I cannot help but wonder what tradition we are trying to uphold. Heterosexual marriage has been no picnic, especially for the millions of women who have been mistreated, abused, forced to have child after child with no recourse to birth control, and denied any right to hold property rights or have a say in family matters. Of course, there are wonderful marriages in this world where husband and wife enhance one another and create a beautiful family. However, I hesitate putting marriage up as a shining example that has "traditionally" been good for society. Patriarchal society, perhaps. I also do not understand how same-sex marriage would harm heterosexual marriages, especially religious ones. It seems to me that most men will still be attracted to women, and most women to men. If they grow up in a religion, they will most likely remain in it and marry in it. Our species would reproduce even with basic libidinal instincts. It seems ridiculous to suggest that allowing gay people to marry would somehow destroy that.

4. Opponents to gay marriage often use fear tactics to get people to vote against it. They say that religious liberties will lose respect, that traditional families will be ridiculed, that children will be taught *gasp* about gay relationships, and that free speech will be inhibited. I have read much on both sides on each argument, and while many of those proposed consequences have roots in reality, they are exaggerations. Advocates of traditional marriage also express concern for children being raised by gay parents, thinking that they will either become gay themselves or will grow up thinking homosexuality is "normal." The gay parents I have seen are among the most attentive, loving parents I have ever witnessed. You know they care about creating a good family because they have to fight to adopt children and obtain documents proving their legitimacy as a family.

My greatest reaction to the Proposition 8 broadcast I attended last Wednesday was feeling cheated on both ends. The whole time I was looking at the church leaders on the screen, my eyes begging them for an answer to this question: "You say that I as a gay member of the church can only remain a good member if I am either celibate or if I marry a woman. However, should I decide that those options are unfeasible, and pursue a long-term relationship with a man I love, you would deny me the opportunity to commit myself to him through marriage and create my own family based on the very principles I have learned in the Church. What do you want me to do?!?! How am I supposed to feel?!?!" All I can say is that the participation of my church in the ProtectMarriage campaign has been hurtful and divisive for more than myself.

With good conscience, I simply support what I feel is right and pray that God will help us all.

God is Love

I had such a beautiful experience this afternoon. My roommate and I attended ward choir practice for the first time today, and since things are just getting started we decided to do a hymn sing-in. Each of us chose a hymn to sing, and I noticed the hymn "God is Love" (#87) and requested it. And so we sang:

Earth, with her ten thousand flow'rs,

Air, with all its beams and show'rs,

Heav'ns infinite expanse,

Sea's resplendent countenance-

All around and all above

Bear this record: God is love.

Sounds among the vales and hills,

In the woods and by the rills,

Of the breeze and of the bird,

By the gentle murmur stirred-

Sacred songs, beneath, above,

Have one chorus: God is love.

All the hopes that sweetly start

From the fountain of the heart,

All the bliss that ever comes

To our earthly human homes,

All the voices from above

Sweetly whisper: God is love.

By the time we got to the third verse, I was so touched by the beauty of what we were singing that I got chills. And a bit teary-eyed. This song today was a reminder of the God I believe in, one who loves me, who loves all of creation, and who is ever present in our lives if we allow him to be. While sitting in that room with those people I had barely met, I felt such love and such powerful energy that by the end all I could do was reverently, "sweetly whisper: God is love."