filling the pensieve

I just need to freewrite a little to get my thoughts in order. The last few weeks have been a huge transitional time for me physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I’m trying to sort through a lot of baggage and emotions and trying to figure out where I’m going with my life. Today and yesterday I’ve been feeling a little melancholy and unmotivated. I had a flash of fear today that I might be entering another depressive episode, but I don’t think I am. I just feel like I’m not doing much with my life right now. I feel like I’m constantly putting out energy to do things, but those things aren’t yielding much back. I wish I had a regular schedule with a job or something. As it is, I water the lawn twice a week, I help dad with concrete twice a week, (which is good cuz I’m making money). I try to study for the GRE which I’m taking in a month. I try to do volunteer work but that’s not very time-consuming, just once or twice a week at most. And those are all good things and they do keep me busy some of the time, but I’ve gone a few weeks where many days I have nothing to look forward to, nothing really planned. I go to the gym to work on my ever-present goal of gaining muscle, which is working. :) But I just feel a bit stagnant. I’m not sure what it is exactly that I lack, but I just feel a bit lackadaisical and unenthusiastic.

At the beginning of the summer when I came back from BYU I was so excited to get involved with my internship and volunteering and going on trips and everything, but the internship fell through, and the classes I took ended, and now all I have is working at home w/ Dad which I don’t always like. I’m not sure living at home is the best thing for me at this point, but I’m kinda stuck here, seeing as I have only about 5-6 weeks to go. The thing I don’t like is feeling obligated to be here and like I’m deserting my family if I go out. When I’m at school, no one asks me where I’m going and I can just do what I want. However, it’s not always a bad thing to feel obligated to one’s family. I am greatly indebted to my parents for what they do for me and provide me with free of charge. Meals. Health care. A car. Fresh fruit. A bed to sleep in. Air conditioning. So I feel I do owe them some of my energy in helping around the yard, especially since their own health is deteriorating.

The thing that frustrates me the most is my relationship with Dad; it's by far the most imbalanced, difficult relationship I have right now. Every time I’m around him, I have this sense that he doesn’t even know me anymore, and I would work on telling him who I am if I wasn’t so afraid he would reject me. It’s not just the gay thing, although that is a big part. It’s about accepting that I may have different opinions and that I have a different way of life than he does. I view things like money, work, play, love, sexuality, and spirituality in a very different way from him. Some days I just want to blow open the wall of non-communication between us and shake things up a little, in hopes that we might begin to finally have an honest, genuine dialogue. I just might, someday, but not right now. It’s the risk we take when we get involved with other human beings. Any relationship is a risk, be it friendship, parenthood, or a romantic relationship. We have no guarantee for what the other person will end up doing or becoming, and we must simply press forward with the knowledge we have and the common sense to keep out of too much trouble.

UGH! Life.

To finish, I’ll recount a good thing from today. During the sacrament, after I’d passed the water by without partaking, I was sitting praying to God to help me figure things out, to keep his Influence in my life and to help me be aware of it and how to share it with others. I read the words of the hymn “Reverently and Meekly Now” with such phrases as “I have loved thee as my friend / with a love that cannot end.” And after reading it and praying I had a few moments of that exquisite peace that I sometimes feel where the only words that describe it are “It’s going to be ok. It is ok. I am ok. Everything will be ok.” A calm, powerful reassurance that I can be at peace, that I’ll be ok. I feel that as long as I stay in touch with my heart and my soul, the very essence of who I am and the person I want to become, I will be ok. As long as I don’t lose sight of my role in life as a witness of truth, a listening ear, and a helping hand, I will be ok. As long as I stay my selfishness and try to think of others first, I’ll be ok. As long as I seek and celebrate goodness in all its forms, I’ll be ok. As long as I stand up for what is right and build the courage to speak out against what is wrong, I’ll be ok.

I’m reading Man’s Search for Meaning right now, and it has caused me to reflect on the meaning of my life. I don’t think that the purpose of life is to be happy. There are so many people who are miserable and who have horrible lives, but who may see meaning in their suffering, which one might label as happiness or acceptance. Many happiness-oriented people, even in the Church, tend toward hedonism, which isn't the point of living. I think that we should seek but not expect happiness; we should also expect and not shun suffering, for it will teach us more than happiness ever will. All to often I get depressed about having a bad day or two, when I have forgotten all the days where I was happy if not reasonably content. It’s in days like yesterday and today (which really weren’t that terrible) that I reflect more and that I pause to see where I am and where I am headed. I have to remind myself that it’s ok to have a blue day once in a while, because I have so many that are wonderful.