summer book list

I am so looking forward to summer. It will be a welcome change from eight months in school. I'll be taking one class just so I can transition into academic nothingness a little more easily, but I'll also be doing my internship, volunteering, playing with friends, etc. I have much hope for this summer, and one of the things I am most looking forward to is READING FOR PLEASURE!!!

So I am trying to compile a list of books I will read this summer, and I would love your help! If you have a book that you love, that has changed your life, that made you laugh, that made you see yourself or the world in a different way, please tell me! I would especially like to read 20th century fiction, contemporary fiction/non-fiction, and books in French. But I would love any and all suggestions! Here's what I have so far:

My Summer Reading List:

The Glass Castle
Man’s Search for Meaning
Walden
The Golden Compass trilogy
Le Scaphandre et le Papillon (if I can find a copy that doesn't cost $130)
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Love's Executioner
Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in America
The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream
The Life of Pi
Naked


So please tell me what other books I should read!

Conference Weekend

So General Conference has come and gone, once again. The questions at school tomorrow will be, "How'd you like conference?" "What was your favorite talk?" "Conference was great, huh!" My answers to those questions this time around are quite different from those in years past. I feel like I need to write down some of my feelings about this weekend as I continue to process all of them.

How did I like conference? It was okay. There were some hilarious moments and a couple talks touched me, but for the most part I felt disinterested and quite distant from the things everyone was saying. I like to think that I went into it with an open mind and with the desire to learn something or hear something helpful. However, I came away from each session feeling little, or feeling sad because of the apparent disconnect with my religion and my former faith. I would describe this conference as bland, as there were no ear-catching talks like we've had in the past (Pres. Hinckley's talk on peace and war, Elder Oaks on pornography, etc.). The only one that really captured my attention and that I loved was Elder Wirthlin's. In it he said something like "God didn't create an orchestra of people to only value the piccolos." The message I got from him was that it isn't necessary to fit a certain mold in order to be a good church member. Duh. But I think it was beautifully delivered and it really spoke to me because I think it's easy to forget. It spoke to me where I am now, spiritually and emotionally. I would like to think that I can be myself and still be a good Mormon. Elder Wirthlin is such a sweet man, and I am just now remembering that my favorite talk last conference was his, on love. Maybe there's a trend.....

There were some hilarious moments. President Monson wiggling his ears---helLO! Probably the most riotously hilarious conference moment of my life. The newly-sustained prophet wiggles his ears in the first priesthood session. I guess another outcome of the conference was a renewed/newfound appreciation of Pres. Monson. He's such a genuine, kind, personable man, and I really loved his words about Frances, his wife. That was quite tender.

Another hilarious moment: During priesthood session the kid in front of me had fallen asleep and as I looked at him I noticed something strange. He had his elbow resting on his hand which was upside down on his knee, and one of his fingers was blue. BLUE! I couldn't believe it at first, but my friend next to me confirmed it, and I suddenly became concerned that the young man in front of me was about to lose a finger. I tried to kick his chair but it didn't wake him up. After a couple minutes he started snoring, at which point his dad nudged him. Upon waking up he shook his finger and I saw color flowing back into it. Whew.

Other than that, I don't remember much what was said. It seemed like the same old things, things I have heard my whole life and am now questioning, and the answers to my questions just didn't seem to be there. It isn't that I disagree with the doctrines and teachings of the church. I have essentially taken a step back and am now investigating my once-firmly-held beliefs from the outside in. Instead of just accepting things because they are nice and because they seem good or true or right, I am examining the implications such beliefs have for me and my loved ones. During priesthood, someone said I am a "son of God". This is a belief I find very beautiful and valuable in my life. At first I just let those words come in my ear like all the rest. But no. Wait. "Son of God?" What does that mean? If that's true, what do I need to do? Does God care what kind of son I am? It seems that this one principle has a lot of potential in determining the way I see myself and proceed with my life. And I do love that teaching, but I think I have even put that one in the "to be reviewed" category.

That category has grown in the past few weeks and months. In it are such things as the reality and relevance of Jesus Christ, the First Vision, Church authority and administration, necessity of ordinances, reality of the Devil, the place of women in the church, and the validity of my own past spiritual experiences. Sometimes these seem like such daunting doubts to tackle, and I think most of the time I complacently let them sit in a pile on the floor. But Conference caused me to reflect on those things and I guess the only thing I felt was a sense of bewilderment at being in a place I thought I would never find myself. I came home from my mission not quite three years ago, and now I am questioning the fundamental beliefs of the Church I served for 2 years, and believed in my whole life?

There are some things I don't question, or dare not question. I believe God exists, that he cares for me, and that he helps me in my life. I believe there is purpose and meaning in my life, and the lives of all those around me. Beyond that, I am still trying to figure things out. My greatest hope and comfort is that I can rely on God to guide me and direct me where I should go. The thing I want to work on most is my communication with him, so that I can clearly communicate what I feel and need and want, and understand the answers He gives me. God is the only One I trust with my life path and my future. May I listen as He guides me.

Dear Dad,

When we were talking during breakfast on Saturday, you said something that really hurt me. As we were talking politics, you made a comment on homosexuals saying, "If they want to practice their lifestyle, whatever, but I would never be friends with one of them." Taken aback, I asked, "One of who?" "Homosexuals." You replied. You then went on to say that it is important to stay away from the kinds of people that will bring us down, that don't hold good moral standards.

Perhaps one day, Dad, I'll be able to tell you that I'm a 'homosexual'. It hurt to see you shut out a whole group of people (which includes 'good' and 'bad' individuals, as any group does) based on one characteristic. I've heard you call Rosie O'Donnell a "scumbag" and a "maggot" and I know you can't even watch anything referencing gays on the news. But what if I come to you one day and let you know that this is something that I deal with as well? Will you turn away from me because I will bring you down morally? Will you shut me out because I'm different? Will you still love me?

I pray God you will, because Dad, I love you so much and always will. No matter what.

your son

beau sourire

I just want to thank the beautiful girl with Down's syndrome that I saw today. Her radiant smile made my day.

:)

Gandhi's Seven Deadly Sins

Mohandas Karamachand Gandhi, one of the most influential figures in modern social and political activism, considered these traits to be the most spiritually perilous to humanity:

Wealth without Work
Pleasure without Conscience
Science without Humanity
Knowledge without Character
Politics without Principle
Commerce without Morality
Worship without Sacrifice

taken from this site:

http://www.deadlysins.com/features/gandhi.htm

activism

Over the past month I have had contrasting moments where I realize how blessed I am and how good my life is, and how horrible and awful life is for many other people in this world. Granted, I have hard days and sometimes I think my life is so difficult and terrible. My life is the only one I have lived or will ever live, so I know the most about it. However, I would take my trials, challenges, doubts, questions, and hardships over those of anyone else. I've had recent experiences where I've had a window into the lives of others, and it has given me a much stronger desire to DO SOMETHING to help those who need it.

A couple weeks ago, I started watching Schindler's List. That film affects me so strongly, and even after watching half of it I came away with renewed amazement of what we sometimes do to our fellow human beings. Anything I see or read about the Holocaust amazes and terrifies me. During the movie I looked at the Germans who truly believed what they were doing was okay. Perhaps some of them questioned what they were doing. Perhaps when they went home to their families that night remembering the killings they had aided in that day. Then I looked at the Jews and thought of the emotional cost of seeing your husband or wife shot right next to you. Of seeing your grandfather led away to be killed because he's "worthless." After watching it I thought, "That was roughly 70 years ago. Only 70 years ago. My parents were alive when that happened. But what is going on in our world right now?" It's not hard to then think of places like Darfur, Burma, Rwanda, and others that have witnessed terrible crimes against humanity. I also think of my own ancestors who were raped, murdered, and forced out of their homes because of their religion. That was in the United States of America, the home of the free and land of the brave.

I'm also in an abnormal psychology class this semester, and we have been talking about some very difficult and damaging problems in society and in peoples' lives. We've talked about eating disorders, suicide, and depression. Having had my own struggles with depression, I know what it means to want to harm yourself and even end your own life. I know that so many people around us struggle with similar feelings, and I also know that healing and recovery are possible. I always hope that I would be able to offer help and healing to someone going through a difficult time. Too often the deepest heartaches and sharpest pains go unexpressed.

Last time in my class we talked about substance abuse, and it made me so sad to see how people destroy their bodies, relationships, and quality of life by using drugs and other addictive substances. Not only does it affect those who partake, but also their children,
their partner, parents, and the society they live in. I thought of people I've known and know now that use addictive substances and I worry about them and how that will play out in their future life.

A couple days ago a friend of mine was telling me about a book he's reading that describes children growing up in a poor, sexually-abusive household and how they were able to finally leave it to make better lives for themselves. Then I just think that every day, women and children are abused emotionally, physically, and sexually. Such abuse is a reality for many people, and has far-reaching consequences.

All of this probably seems obvious. Of course there are terrible things in the world. Most religions attempt to explain why bad things exist and why they happen to us. There are many people who do great good on an individual, national, and international level in helping those who are suffering and caught in dangerous situations. The point of this post is that I have internalized this reality more than I have in the past, and I feel like my former complacency will no longer be enough. I want to help people. I want to make a difference "in my Calcutta" as Mother Teresa said. Of course I can't attack all of the evils in the world and change them, but I think it's important that I look for ways in which I can make a difference in my sphere of influence. The career I'm seeking will provide me with many opportunities I'm sure, but I'm sure right now there are things I can do as a student to help and improve the world around me.

I have so many friends who are examples of this to me. They participate in and organize activities that increase awareness and promote understanding of difficult issues and events going on in the world. Up to this point I have simply admired them from the sidelines, perhaps chipping in the extra minute to listen to them explain what they are involved in. But now, I think I might be starting to understand the feeling that motivates them. Sure I can't change the whole world, but I can use my influence when I can for the good of others and I can seek out opportunities to help. It all seems vague right now, and I'm sitting here with a kind of "now what?" feeling.

All I know is that I don't want to settle into semi-ignorant complacency again. I want this to lead to something more proactive and ultimately more meaningful.

My spiritual journey continues....

This has been a spiritually moving week, culminating in an actually interesting/edifying Sunday. I have been reading the Book of Mormon with one of my close friends lately, to discuss the scriptures openly and ask questions and get opinions on doctrines and specific verses. It's been helpful, but the other night we were both too tired to concentrate/care about what we were reading. So to close off our session I just looked for a red-highlighted scripture to read. I turned to Alma 36:3, which reads:

And now, O my son Helaman, behold, thou art in thy youth, and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.

Upon reading this verse I thought, "YEAH! This is what I deeply and truly believe and long for!" It goes right along with my current approach of letting God guide my life and seeking his guidance in figuring out what I should do in my life. It's certain that along the way I will have trials, troubles, and afflictions (since I already have experienced some) and it's so comforting to know that there is someone in whom I can completely trust to support me. The last clause, when I read it, brought me the same lovely feeling of peace that always means, "It will be OK. Don't worry. It will be OK." I know how I would like my life to turn out and there are things I would prefer over others, but as I put my trust in God my Father then I can know that wherever he leads me I can be confident in knowing that I should be there.

So today at church, I was reading in the Joseph Smith manual (because for once I brought it with me) and I found some gems that really struck me. I want to ponder them some more but here they are with my initial thoughts:

1. "When the fact is admitted, that the immediate will of heaven is contained in the Scriptures, are we not bound as rational creatures to live in accordance to all its precepts? Will the mere admission that this is the will of heaven ever benefit us if we do not comply with all its teachings? Do we not offer violence to the Supreme Intelligence of heaven when we admit the truth of its teachings, and do not obey them? Do we not descend below our own knowledge, and the better wisdom which heaven has endowed us with, by such a course of conduct? For these reasons, if we have direct revelations given us from heaven, surely those revelations were never given to be trifled with, without the trifler's incurring displeasure and vengeance upon his own head, if there is any justice in heaven...."

This one, I admit, knocked the wind out of me a bit. I love the boldness that Joseph Smith uses. And I agree with him 100%. IF we really do take the scriptures as being the "immediate will of heaven," THEN it behooves us to live what they teach. I believe the same goes for our own personal revelations and spiritual experiences. If God has given us light, we can then only live with our without that light. There isn't really a way to do both or neither. I'm still working out my 100% belief in the scriptures, though I know they are important and valuable. I have in the past felt peace about them being true, so I am trying to work all of that out now.


2. "Be plain and simple and ask for what you want, just like you would go to a neighbor and say, 'I want to borrow your horse to go to [the] mill.'"


Here Joseph is talking about the manner in which we pray. I love the idea of leaving the rote repetitions behind and the cliched phrases and really just saying what we mean. I was thinking the other day how in contemporary English the thee, thou, thy, thine form and the you, your, yours form have swapped meanings. Apparently thee was originally familiar and you was formal, but as we all know, they have swapped connotations in our current usage. In French we use the familiar tu form and not the formal vous form in contemporary French, so why not in English? I feel much more personal and genuine when I talk to God using you, etc. In the MTC they were so strict about using the thee form, they even passed out a paper explaining that that was the proper way to pray. In a foreign language like French there's no problem, but why must we be so awkward in English?

I also appreciate how in Joseph's example he uses a banal example for the request. It's like saying, "Hey, I'd like to borrow your car to run to the grocery store real quick." God knows us pretty darn well, so all the formality seems highly unnecessary. And I also believe he cares about our daily needs and issues.

3. "Mormonism is truth; and every man who embraces it feels himself at liberty
to embrace every truth: consequently the shackles of superstition, bigotry,
ignorance, and priestcraft, fall at once from his neck, and his eyes are opened to see the truth, and truth greatly prevails over priestcraft....Mormonism is truth, in other words the doctrine of the Latter-Day Saints, is truth. The first and fundamental principle of our holy religion is, that we believe that we have a right to embrace all, and every item of truth, without limitation or without being circumscribed or prohibited by the creeds or superstitious notions of men, or by the dominations of one another, when that truth is clearly demonstrated to our minds, and we have the highest degree of evidence of the same."

I think this is one of the clearest and most beautiful teachings I've read of Joseph Smith. At least it really resonates with me right now. I love how he defines Mormonism as the search of Truth--everywhere! And I have a suspicion that some of the creeds, superstitions, and limitations to the discovery of truth might be part of "Mormon culture" or the LDS worldview. This reminds me of when I first learned the expansive, far-reaching teachings of Joseph Smith and how it burst my limited, superstitious bubble to other possibilities and realities I had never before thought of. Truth can be found everywhere, and I think it's sad when people limit themselves out of smug self-righteousness or fear of the unknown and don't grapple with difficult ideas and feelings and come out on top with more truth than they had before.

More on all of this later, perhaps. I want to go on a walk before the sun sets since it's a nice evening (although a bit breezy). Happy Sabbath to all!