activism

Over the past month I have had contrasting moments where I realize how blessed I am and how good my life is, and how horrible and awful life is for many other people in this world. Granted, I have hard days and sometimes I think my life is so difficult and terrible. My life is the only one I have lived or will ever live, so I know the most about it. However, I would take my trials, challenges, doubts, questions, and hardships over those of anyone else. I've had recent experiences where I've had a window into the lives of others, and it has given me a much stronger desire to DO SOMETHING to help those who need it.

A couple weeks ago, I started watching Schindler's List. That film affects me so strongly, and even after watching half of it I came away with renewed amazement of what we sometimes do to our fellow human beings. Anything I see or read about the Holocaust amazes and terrifies me. During the movie I looked at the Germans who truly believed what they were doing was okay. Perhaps some of them questioned what they were doing. Perhaps when they went home to their families that night remembering the killings they had aided in that day. Then I looked at the Jews and thought of the emotional cost of seeing your husband or wife shot right next to you. Of seeing your grandfather led away to be killed because he's "worthless." After watching it I thought, "That was roughly 70 years ago. Only 70 years ago. My parents were alive when that happened. But what is going on in our world right now?" It's not hard to then think of places like Darfur, Burma, Rwanda, and others that have witnessed terrible crimes against humanity. I also think of my own ancestors who were raped, murdered, and forced out of their homes because of their religion. That was in the United States of America, the home of the free and land of the brave.

I'm also in an abnormal psychology class this semester, and we have been talking about some very difficult and damaging problems in society and in peoples' lives. We've talked about eating disorders, suicide, and depression. Having had my own struggles with depression, I know what it means to want to harm yourself and even end your own life. I know that so many people around us struggle with similar feelings, and I also know that healing and recovery are possible. I always hope that I would be able to offer help and healing to someone going through a difficult time. Too often the deepest heartaches and sharpest pains go unexpressed.

Last time in my class we talked about substance abuse, and it made me so sad to see how people destroy their bodies, relationships, and quality of life by using drugs and other addictive substances. Not only does it affect those who partake, but also their children,
their partner, parents, and the society they live in. I thought of people I've known and know now that use addictive substances and I worry about them and how that will play out in their future life.

A couple days ago a friend of mine was telling me about a book he's reading that describes children growing up in a poor, sexually-abusive household and how they were able to finally leave it to make better lives for themselves. Then I just think that every day, women and children are abused emotionally, physically, and sexually. Such abuse is a reality for many people, and has far-reaching consequences.

All of this probably seems obvious. Of course there are terrible things in the world. Most religions attempt to explain why bad things exist and why they happen to us. There are many people who do great good on an individual, national, and international level in helping those who are suffering and caught in dangerous situations. The point of this post is that I have internalized this reality more than I have in the past, and I feel like my former complacency will no longer be enough. I want to help people. I want to make a difference "in my Calcutta" as Mother Teresa said. Of course I can't attack all of the evils in the world and change them, but I think it's important that I look for ways in which I can make a difference in my sphere of influence. The career I'm seeking will provide me with many opportunities I'm sure, but I'm sure right now there are things I can do as a student to help and improve the world around me.

I have so many friends who are examples of this to me. They participate in and organize activities that increase awareness and promote understanding of difficult issues and events going on in the world. Up to this point I have simply admired them from the sidelines, perhaps chipping in the extra minute to listen to them explain what they are involved in. But now, I think I might be starting to understand the feeling that motivates them. Sure I can't change the whole world, but I can use my influence when I can for the good of others and I can seek out opportunities to help. It all seems vague right now, and I'm sitting here with a kind of "now what?" feeling.

All I know is that I don't want to settle into semi-ignorant complacency again. I want this to lead to something more proactive and ultimately more meaningful.

final resting place

My mom called me the other day, and while talking she said, "Guess what?! You are now the proud owner of a grave plot!" My gramma had an unclaimed gravesite next to hers, and so last weekend she and my mom decided to put it in my name. Apparently a lot of the services are paid as well as the vault and things like that. It was kind of a surreal/morbid conversation, and at one point I asked, "Is the tombstone thrown in as part of the deal?"

Death became more real for me when my aunt passed away last Christmas. I had been to many viewings and funerals before, but she was the first person close to me to pass away. I saw her health suddenly decline, and I will never forget the last time I talked with her, on Christmas Day. I sat by her and held her frail, swollen hand and she asked me about school, and I was able to tell her I loved her. The next time I saw her, her body was still warm, but her heart was no longer beating. She had passed out of this life to a better existence. I believe there is life after this life, that death is not the end of us. This belief definitely helped me deal with her passing, and I was actually glad for her, that she was able to leave her sick, tortured body to rejoin her loved ones and live a life free of mortal inhibition.

As for myself, this same belief helps me look at my eventual death more as a part of life. Death itself does not scare me. I do sometimes worry about dying a painful death or a premature death, but ultimately I won't worry about that once I'm dead. I think having a healthy appreciation for our mortality can help our appreciation of each day and the beauty around us.

One day I was walking to church, and I was looking at the sunny sky and the beautiful snow-capped mountains. I thought, "Today is a beautiful day," then "Today is the last day of life for thousands of people," followed by "Today could even be my last day." These thoughts kind of shocked me by their seriousness and morbidity, but it left me with the desire to appreciate that day and not waste any minute of it. We only have the present, and it's our choice to use it or waste it, to enjoy it or loathe it.

That news from my mom has caused me to once again reflect on my own mortality and the meaning of my life. It's somewhat comforting to know that I have a final resting place waiting for me, but really it's more important that I live my life to the fullest. When the time comes that I use that spot, whether in 70 years or 7 years, will I have been a positive change for good? Will I have helped those around me and showed them that I care about them? Will I have taken care of my loved ones? Will I have stood up for what is right and for those who are right? Will my life have been guided by God and his plan for me? I hope the answer to those questions is YES when "my time" comes. God willing.