So General Conference has come and gone, once again. The questions at school tomorrow will be, "How'd you like conference?" "What was your favorite talk?" "Conference was great, huh!" My answers to those questions this time around are quite different from those in years past. I feel like I need to write down some of my feelings about this weekend as I continue to process all of them.
How did I like conference? It was okay. There were some hilarious moments and a couple talks touched me, but for the most part I felt disinterested and quite distant from the things everyone was saying. I like to think that I went into it with an open mind and with the desire to learn something or hear something helpful. However, I came away from each session feeling little, or feeling sad because of the apparent disconnect with my religion and my former faith. I would describe this conference as bland, as there were no ear-catching talks like we've had in the past (Pres. Hinckley's talk on peace and war, Elder Oaks on pornography, etc.). The only one that really captured my attention and that I loved was Elder Wirthlin's. In it he said something like "God didn't create an orchestra of people to only value the piccolos." The message I got from him was that it isn't necessary to fit a certain mold in order to be a good church member. Duh. But I think it was beautifully delivered and it really spoke to me because I think it's easy to forget. It spoke to me where I am now, spiritually and emotionally. I would like to think that I can be myself and still be a good Mormon. Elder Wirthlin is such a sweet man, and I am just now remembering that my favorite talk last conference was his, on love. Maybe there's a trend.....
There were some hilarious moments. President Monson wiggling his ears---helLO! Probably the most riotously hilarious conference moment of my life. The newly-sustained prophet wiggles his ears in the first priesthood session. I guess another outcome of the conference was a renewed/newfound appreciation of Pres. Monson. He's such a genuine, kind, personable man, and I really loved his words about Frances, his wife. That was quite tender.
Another hilarious moment: During priesthood session the kid in front of me had fallen asleep and as I looked at him I noticed something strange. He had his elbow resting on his hand which was upside down on his knee, and one of his fingers was blue. BLUE! I couldn't believe it at first, but my friend next to me confirmed it, and I suddenly became concerned that the young man in front of me was about to lose a finger. I tried to kick his chair but it didn't wake him up. After a couple minutes he started snoring, at which point his dad nudged him. Upon waking up he shook his finger and I saw color flowing back into it. Whew.
Other than that, I don't remember much what was said. It seemed like the same old things, things I have heard my whole life and am now questioning, and the answers to my questions just didn't seem to be there. It isn't that I disagree with the doctrines and teachings of the church. I have essentially taken a step back and am now investigating my once-firmly-held beliefs from the outside in. Instead of just accepting things because they are nice and because they seem good or true or right, I am examining the implications such beliefs have for me and my loved ones. During priesthood, someone said I am a "son of God". This is a belief I find very beautiful and valuable in my life. At first I just let those words come in my ear like all the rest. But no. Wait. "Son of God?" What does that mean? If that's true, what do I need to do? Does God care what kind of son I am? It seems that this one principle has a lot of potential in determining the way I see myself and proceed with my life. And I do love that teaching, but I think I have even put that one in the "to be reviewed" category.
That category has grown in the past few weeks and months. In it are such things as the reality and relevance of Jesus Christ, the First Vision, Church authority and administration, necessity of ordinances, reality of the Devil, the place of women in the church, and the validity of my own past spiritual experiences. Sometimes these seem like such daunting doubts to tackle, and I think most of the time I complacently let them sit in a pile on the floor. But Conference caused me to reflect on those things and I guess the only thing I felt was a sense of bewilderment at being in a place I thought I would never find myself. I came home from my mission not quite three years ago, and now I am questioning the fundamental beliefs of the Church I served for 2 years, and believed in my whole life?
There are some things I don't question, or dare not question. I believe God exists, that he cares for me, and that he helps me in my life. I believe there is purpose and meaning in my life, and the lives of all those around me. Beyond that, I am still trying to figure things out. My greatest hope and comfort is that I can rely on God to guide me and direct me where I should go. The thing I want to work on most is my communication with him, so that I can clearly communicate what I feel and need and want, and understand the answers He gives me. God is the only One I trust with my life path and my future. May I listen as He guides me.
