Like a squirrel...storing the nuts of life.

i have a major intellectual crush on bell hooks

2011-07-18T13:45:00.002-06:00

a friend recently directed me to youtube videos of her cultural criticism and transformation, which i thoroughly enjoyed as a commentary of how race, sex, and class are portrayed in popular media. i eat this stuff up. :)

click the link and watch, if you feel so inclined!

calling all gays! stop the woman-hating...

2011-05-31T12:36:00.006-06:00

I've noticed it more and more lately. Comments about girls being gross, "no vaginas allowed" proclamations at a party, references to "axe wounds," and conversations about "scary lesbians".

The misogyny of gay male culture has caught my attention in a way that has both shamed me and provoked me to be more outspoken against anti-woman, anti-lesbian, and anti-feminine comments I hear from those around me, non-hetero and hetero alike. It's not fun knowing that I have, at times, actively participated in such conversations, and made those comments. The feeling is similar to the regret I feel about the homophobic statements I made in high school when I was a fearful, closeted, self-hating gay kid. Because of that, I like to think this newfound awareness of anti-woman comments is a positive sign of my own maturing and expanding understanding of the world around me and how I participate in it.

With the release of Katy Perry's song "E.T.," I found myself enjoying the beat and the music until I listened to the lyrics. Suddenly, I realized that I could not support a song where a woman sings about wanting to be "a victim," "infected," and filled with poison. However, many of my gay friends who adore the pop princess have been dismissive of my opposition. Sure, it's a small example, but as a self-identified lover of pop culture, I struggle with many of the messages that pop culture advocates that I ultimately don't.

A large part of my cognitive dissonance regarding anti-lesbian rhetoric has emerged from my close friendships with several queer women who I love dearly, and who are not "scary." They are sensitive, strong, intelligent, beautiful women who may fit some lesbian stereotypes, but who are obviously so much more (just as I may embody many stereotypes of gay men, but exceed those stereotypes to become--guess who?!--me!).

By definition, gay men don't "like" women. We're not attracted to them, we don't want to marry them, and we don't want to have sex with them. We "like" men of course! However, I believe there is no place for making condescending or derogatory comments about women. This extends to all negativity toward the "feminine," which comes up in comments about "queeny" or "femmy" men. There is a definite hierarchy that is somehow understood by gay men that the "masculine" ones are somehow better than the "fems." It's everywhere on hookup sites and gay personals: "masc only," "no fems."

I post this in the hopes of holding myself to a higher standard in terms of my words and actions, in order to be more in line with my own values. I believe that when we become more aware of the impact our words have, and reclaim our responsibility over them, we do good to ourselves and to all those around us.

"Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic, capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it." -Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part II

professional/personal ponderings

2011-02-26T16:11:00.003-07:00

The other day at the counseling center, while visiting with my clinical supervisor from last semester, I was approached by a senior staff member who asked me if she could briefly consult with me about something. She proceeded to explain that she was seeing a gay-identified client who was struggling with a relationship, and expressed ambivalence about keeping the client or referring him to a gay-identified therapist, such as myself. She asked me, "How do you feel about being called 'the gay therapist'?" Taken aback, I was about to answer when suddenly my current supervisor walked into the room, and I was suddenly surrounded by past and current superiors.

I felt the wheels of my mind spinning, trying to negotiate the power differentials, the sexual orientation differentials, and the flattery, as well as the tokenization, of being asked such a question. Finally, I responded. My answer is not so important as the effect of having to produce an answer, and the broader issues connected to this experience.

This situation was the first significant time I was approached about the connection between my professional identity and my sexual identity. How do I feel about being called "the gay therapist?" It's a question I have thrown around within myself since I took on the role of a therapist. Even earlier, as I started my program, I asked myself, "How do I feel about being 'the gay psychologist'?" Navigating the realities of being a developing psychologist and psychotherapist has been challenging, yet quite meaningful to me. My advisor explained to me at the outset that it was my choice on how much to include my personal identity in my professional activities. She explained that she knows LGBTQ-identified psychologists (researchers and practitioners) who make all of their work LGBTQ-related. At the same time, she knows others whose professional interests are completely unrelated to their sexual orientation or gender identity.

Since that discussion, I have pondered many times what balance I seek to achieve in my life. Thus far, I have arrived at some tentative conclusions, though they are certainly subject to change as I gain more experience.

First of all, I see my professional work as my activism. My research interests are geared toward the clarification and deconstruction of oppressive systems and ideologies, and emancipation and affirmation of marginalized groups. Whether as a researcher, teacher, or clinician, I strive to be aware of ways I can accomplish these goals.

Yet as strongly as I feel about that activist spirit, I also desire both professional and personal balance, recognizing that I have many other goals and interests that lie outside of LGBT-related issues. Thus part of my process has been to develop as a well-rounded researcher, teacher, and clinician. Yes, my being gay allows me a perhaps privileged and unique perspective on issues surrounding sexual minorities. However, I don't want to see LGBTQ clients exclusively, and don't want to research only LGBTQ-related topics. I feel that to send such clients to therapists with the same gender identity experience or sexual orientation ghettoizes those populations, and does a disservice to both clients and clinicians alike. A better approach, I believe, acknowledges uniqueness while also affirming the commonalities that exist between all of us. People of all sexual orientations, ethnicities, ages, body types, gender identities, etc. have relationship issues, which are largely similar in nature and understandable by any well-intentioned and empathic therapist. While I would love to see LGBTQ-identified clients, I would also like to put forth that any competent therapist should be able to help those individuals, and that I as a gay man and a "gay psychologist" am perhaps no better suited to help them.

The short answer is: No, I don't mind being referred to as a "gay-identified therapist" if that would benefit a client and if I could provide some unique service or perspective because of my own identity. However, I believe that a greater, and higher, principle is to appreciate the commonalities between all people, and to do our best to be affirming and understanding of people who are different from us, since that is the way life works.

finding my spiritual home: part 3

2010-06-15T11:24:00.004-06:00

I didn't intend to write a "part 3." But I have had somewhat of a reawakening these past couple months, which I feel the need to share and process through writing.

One evening in May, I went to an impromptu gathering at the Geller Center for Spiritual Development (which I began attending last fall semester). The guest speaker was a wonderful woman with such a light spirit, and wonderful spiritual knowledge and insights to share. I really felt a connection to her, and to the words she used, because they were the words I had begun using to describe my spiritual experiences and my spiritual awareness. That night, I was reminded of the incredible spiritual experiences I have had throughout my life. I had been feeling somewhat distant from that part of myself for a few months, and that night I felt a rekindled desire to learn to use my spiritual gifts for my good and the good of others.

Throughout my life, I believe certain people have been placed in my life as guides and sources of knowledge who have helped me grow and understand myself and my experiences more fully. My mom is one of them, along with a few other individuals with whom I have felt a powerful, soulful connection. Thankfully, a couple of them currently reside in Fort Collins, and they have been an important part of my current awakening.

This spiritual awakening has been healing, in that it has helped me integrate my spiritual past with my present experience. I believe that Mormonism provided me with a foundation for understanding the spiritual, for calling on the Divine and seeking personal guidance and direction. I had many sacred experiences within the Mormon context, which I continue to cherish and contemplate. I had been taught that if I ever departed from the "straight and narrow path" I would lose that connection to God (the Gift of the Holy Ghost), but my experience has been quite the opposite. Since accepting myself fully for who I am, I have felt an ever increasing connection to spiritual energy, and have continued to be guided, inspired, warned, and protected in amazing ways. As I continue to learn, I gain a greater appreciation for my spiritual heritage, and am thankful for it. This has been so helpful for me, since I no longer feel like I have rejected the religion of my birth, but have taken the best of what it offered me and have moved forward into the path I feel I need to travel.

I see now how I have always lived intuitively, following my feelings or the "vibes" I felt in order to navigate the world. I am currently reading Sonia Choquette's book Trust Your Vibes, which has given me a lot of insights into how to better understand spiritual energy and live a "six-sensory" life. Much of what has happened and is happening to me in the past few months is hard to explain, and sometimes might sound crazy, but I am loving the space I am in right now, and look forward to where I am going. I truly feel that this is a new and wonderful chapter in my spiritual/personal development, and I ultimately feel that my spiritual home is within me, around me, behind me, and in front of me, and that there are thrilling developments to come.

Namaste.

psychotherapy: being on both ends

2010-05-18T10:35:00.002-06:00

And thus I have finished my first year of graduate school. Wahoo! Only four more to go. Actually, I am looking forward to the coming years of training, and I am grateful for this past year in which I have learned and grown so much personally as well as professionally. One unique aspect of my experience this year, particularly this past semester, was being a therapist and a client simultaneously.

During our second semester, my classmates and I began seeing real clients as therapists. With quite a bit of trepidation, we each called our first clients and scheduled appointments with them. All of us were fortunate enough to see two clients each over the semester, most of whom continued in therapy for several consecutive weeks. I saw one client for twelve weeks, and another for nine. For me, it was a beautiful experience. It was so affirming to receive positive feedback about my work from my supervisor and my professor, and especially from my clients. The experience greatly increased my confidence in my choice to become a counseling psychologist, and it feels great to know that I'm already good at psychotherapy.

About the same time as I started seeing my own clients, I sought out the services of a therapist in town to deal with some of the issues going on in my personal life. That has also been a wonderful learning experience. I was already a believer in psychotherapy, as I had seen a counselor at the BYU Career and Counseling Center in 2006. That was a significantly helpful experience, and was a major factor in my choice of profession. Yet it was interesting that although I believe in therapy, and although I am a therapist now, it was still hard to finally call, make an appointment, and then open up to my therapist in our sessions. When it's personal, it's much harder, and if anything I have gained a renewed respect for the amount of risk and energy clients put into therapy, even by taking the first step and calling to make an appointment. I consider myself a pretty self-aware and insightful person, yet it has taken me a few months to finally feel like I'm getting to the heart of my concerns and issues. Thus I can respect clients by allowing them to be where they need to be, and to share what they need to share. Being both a client and a therapist has provided me with a richer perspective on both worlds, and is as useful in my training as any class or practicum could be. And now, as I embark into the world of group psychotherapy (on the giving end), I look forward to gaining further experience and insight into the therapeutic process as well as my own personal growth.

quelques pensées

2010-03-05T10:49:00.002-07:00

Ça fait longtemps que je n'ai pas écrit sur mon blog, et ça fait même plus longtemps que je n'ai pas écrit en français, ma deuxième langue "maternelle." Donc j'écris ceci pour moi-même seulement, et je vous assure qu’il y aura beaucoup de fautes, mais je ne retiendrai mes compétences qu’en pratiquant, même avec des fautes. Attention, c’est parti!

La vie s’est compliquée de plus en plus cette année, depuis que je suis revenu de New York. Mon copain a cassé avec moi le jour après mon retour, et donc c’était des larmes et la dépression pour un couple de semaines, mais enfin je me suis rétabli, pour la plupart, et bien que je sois toujours un peu fâché contre lui, et que je me sente toujours un peu blessé, je vais bien. C’est intéressant parce que j’ai rêvé de lui plusieurs fois ces dernières semaines, et chaque rêve était chargé d’une émotion distincte, ce qui m’a montré ma propre progression intrapsychique quant à cette rupture. Dans les deux derniers, c’était moi qui l’a refusé, et donc pour moi ça montre que je ne veux plus rien savoir de lui, vraiment.

Mais l’école va très bien. J’ai commencé à voir des clients en tant que psychothérapeute, et je commence à faire du progrès pour ma thèse. Ma conseillère académique est merveilleuse, et elle m’a beaucoup aidé. Je m’entends toujours très bien avec mes camarades de classe, et nous finirons bientôt notre première année ! C’est dingue ça !

Actuellement, je me sens très bien dans ma peau. Je me sens confiant, beau, désirable, accompli, intelligent, et béni. Je suis chanceux d’avoir tant d’opportunités de développement professionnel et personnel, et j’ai hâte de voir ce que je vais faire et qui je vais rencontrer dans les mois qui viennent.

De plus en plus, je reconnais que c’est en écoutant mes sentiments et mes intuition que je ferai les bons choix, que je serai où je dois être, et que je deviendrai la personne que je suis. C’est réconfortant, parce que récemment j’ai vraiment senti que je fais les bonnes choses, que ce programme d’étude est parfait pour moi, et que je suis sur la bonne piste professionnel et personnel.

C’est tout pour maintenant, mais je devrais faire ceci plus souvent, parce que je ressens déjà la frustration par rapport à mes compétences diminuées en français. Mais bon….c’est la vie !

finding my spiritual home: part 2

2010-01-11T14:23:00.004-07:00

In part 1, I discussed my former spiritual home, and in this part I hope to explain my current spiritual beliefs, values, and needs, and propose some possible “places” I might find a new spiritual home that fits them.

I currently identify as “spiritual but not religious.” My personal dissatisfaction with religion stems from my experience in it, as well as a more objective observation of how it functions in the lives of other people. I am not, however, anti-religion. I find that religions provide a meaningful structure for the spirituality of many people, as well as a sense of belonging and community. Because religion is heavily cultural, it is hard at times to separate a religion from the culture it relates to, thus making religion an integral part of the daily lives and cultural identity of its adherents.

Critics of religion cite the many religious conflicts (past and present) as evidence of religion’s harmful nature, but I find that argument misguided. I would go a level deeper and say that difference of any kind has the potential to cause the same animosity that religion causes. My own criticisms relate more directly to the idea that religion just does not work for me, at least right now. My feeling is that if the church or religion you belong to is meaningful, helps you become who you want to be, and is overall helpful for you and not hurtful to yourself or others, then by all means, stay in it. I also see that people sometimes hold onto their church or religion in unhealthy ways, particularly when the person and the religion are incompatible. I have seen far too often individuals who cannot seem to let go of their religion, but who are also miserable or at best bewildered by being different and not feeling fully accepted by the general religious community. Still, above everything I value self-determination and do my best not to judge people who either stay in or leave a religion, and I ask the same for others when they examine my personal experience.

In some ways, psychology has become my religion. I am ambivalent about this idea, because while it is true that the ideas I have learned in my studies have helped me deconstruct many unhealthy attitudes and paradigms, I am also uncomfortable with being labeled as another “godless psychologist” who was led away from the doctrines of God by the philosophies of men. Still, psychology is often the lens through which I view the world, and it helps me maintain a balanced, inclusive perspective of all aspects of life, including my spirituality. Psychological principles provide the primary means through which I understand my experience of the world, which is also one of the main functions of religion, so on that ground you could say that psychology is my religion. Because of this, I value reason, empirical evidence, and existential concerns as important parts of my spirituality.

Even from a young age, I have been a spiritually sensitive person. I have had many significant spiritual, even sacred experiences, which I continue to cherish, though the way I frame them and explain them has changed over the years. I believe in dreams, the metaphysical/supernatural, and an afterlife. I have felt and continue to feel guidance from a higher power, and I still pray and meditate fairly regularly. The most important part of my spiritual self is what I perceive to be a “center” or “core” with which I strive to remain in harmony. I know when I am at peace and when I am not, and I try to make choices that are consistent with that place that I feel inside me that indicates when I am living in harmony with who I am. Indeed, harmony is one of the key elements of my current belief system. I strive to live in harmony not only with myself, but also with nature, other people, and with God.

Another important part of my spirituality is conscious, deliberate living. I often seek to live with the five senses, to be fully present in the world I inhabit and sink my toes deep into the substance of life. I feel like too many people (including myself for many years) do not go through life fully aware of what it means to be alive and to fully enjoy living. They tend to go through the motions, not really thinking about what they do or believe. I aspire to be as conscious as possible of what I believe, consume, feel, see, hear, touch, smell, taste, and say, as well as what others believe, consume, feel, see, hear, touch, smell, taste, and say. The idea of deliberate living came to me from my reading of Thoreau’s Walden, which I consider one of my personal books of scripture. Reading that book changed so many things about the way I see myself and the world, and his advocacy of deliberate and simple living touched my soul more than any book I have read. The paradigm he paints in his writings serves as an ideal to which I aspire and try to implement.

For a couple years now, I have felt like a spiritual wanderer, packing around my beliefs and experience wherever I go, but never feeling like I found a place where I could put down spiritual roots and feel the same security and assurance I felt when I was younger. I believe that when I do finally “come home” I will know it, but I do not know where that home is yet. As I see it, there are several possibilities of potential spiritual homes:

My spiritual home might be within another religious community. I have not ruled out this possibility, even though I do not consider myself religious. Even when I was an active Latter-Day Saint, I enjoyed and drew significant spiritual satisfaction from visiting other religious communities, and I have sampled from many of the major Christian denominations, as well as a few other non-Christian religions (Buddhism and Hare Krishna). As I said, I have had meaningful experiences in many of them, and I now sporadically visit some of the churches in Fort Collins. While I might not believe everything that is sung or discussed in the services (as I do not consider myself a Christian), I do appreciate the structured time to think about my spirituality and to connect with a community of believers. Indeed, the sense of community is the most attractive aspect of joining another religious congregation. I feel that if I do so, it will have to be a congregation that is pretty “hands off” in reference to a person’s beliefs. For this reason, I really enjoyed the Unitarian Universalist church I sometimes attended in Salt Lake City—you can be Christian, atheist, agnostic, or anything else and still participate in a church community that values social justice and activism. Incidentally, I have started attending the Foothills Unitarian Church here in Fort Collins.

My spiritual home might be found in nature. There is something inherently spiritual to me about nature, and I enjoy going on a walk in the woods or in a park to clear my thoughts and to meditate. I will try to connect to nature through all of the five senses, trying to be fully present and part of the world around me. This connectedness to the earth is increasingly important for me, as I view myself as simply a part of a whole that is the universe. It is in nature that I can begin to feel something similar to what Thoreau must have felt, and like him I look to nature to learn important lessons about what it means to exist. However, I’m not sure nature would be sufficient in meeting all of my spiritual needs, since I have become a “people person” and I place a lot of value on sharing and connecting with others.

For that reason, my spiritual home might be found in relationships with other beings. I believe that humans are inherently relational beings, and there are some human qualities that can only be experienced by interacting with other people. Love, service, generosity, sacrifice—these require us to interact with other beings in order to experience them fully. I say “beings” because I mean to be inclusive of people, animals, and other spiritual entities (God, angels, spirits, etc.). There is also something about sharing and connecting with others that is meaningful to me. Lately my spiritual needs have been met simply by having a good discussion with another person about things that matter to us. Connecting with another person is spiritual to me, and that connection can be emotional, intellectual, sexual, or physical. It can be in the context of a romantic relationship, a friendship, a family relationship, or simply a person one meets in passing.

My spiritual home might be found in myself. Wherever I do find a place to settle and make spiritual roots again, I feel that this part will always ring true. Ultimately, all one has in this life is oneself. People, churches, and “spiritual states” come and go, and change is inevitable. The one constant is “me.” Upon leaving my previous spiritual home, I focused on what I believed, felt, needed, and sought, and that has been a central piece in my spiritual progression. Such spiritual self-sufficience has proven useful to me because I have learned important lessons about myself. Whether I find another spiritual home and wherever it is, I feel confident that I will continue to value many of the same things, and as long as I remain in harmony with myself and the world around me, I think any and all of the abovementioned ideas could help me develop spiritually and reach out of myself in order to make the world a better place.

finding my spiritual home: part 1

2009-12-26T11:17:00.002-07:00

The concept of a “spiritual home” became personally meaningful to me last week while sitting and meditating in a church meeting a couple weeks ago. While pondering my current spiritual standing, some questions came to mind:

Where is my spiritual home?

What do I do there?

Is it inside me or outside of me?

This is especially significant because lately I have felt a longing to have a place I can call my spiritual home, since I left the religion of my birth and have since been defining and restructuring my beliefs for the last few years. Perhaps it would be helpful to examine my past spiritual home to see what did and did not work for me, and then to describe my ideal spiritual home, in order to gain a better idea of what to look for.

The spiritual home I was born into was the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, also known as the Mormon Church. My family is descended from the original members of the church, and Joseph Smith, the founder, is my great-great-great-uncle. I grew up in Utah, the heart of Mormonism, and had what I think is the typical Mormon upbringing. I was blessed at birth, baptized and confirmed (given the Gift of the Holy Ghost) at age 8, ordained a deacon at 12, a teacher at 14, a priest at 16, and an elder at 18. I went through the temple and received the ordinances there, and went on a 2-year mission to Montreal, Canada, at 19.

Through all that time I was a 100%, true blue, orthodox Latter-Day Saint. I believed what I was taught by my parents, church leaders, prophets, apostles, and bishops, and from a very young age I sought to conform completely to all of the standards and commandments of the Church, which I believed to come from God through his ancient and modern prophets. I thoroughly internalized the doctrines and beliefs of the church, and sought to be “the perfect Mormon boy.” I pulled it off, at least from an outsider’s view. I was often praised for being such a good, obedient, upstanding young man in the church. That felt good for sure, but there was another side to it, a darker side that tainted my blissful Saintly existence.

What I call my “first gay memory” occurred when I was about three or four years old. From that time I have many memories of feeling different, of being attracted or interested in the boys and men around me, and the development of my sexual orientation was a parallel process that I saw as directly at odds with my spiritual development in the Church. The LDS Church is not gay-affirming, as its recent political moves have so clearly shown. However, there has been much improvement. I remember reading the book Mormon Doctrine by Bruce R. McKonkie, in which he describes homosexuality as a sin next to murder. There were other church materials I read that were equally homophobic and misinformed, which only caused me to heap on the denial and repression of my sexual feelings even more. While I appeared to be the “perfect Mormon boy” on the outside, on the inside I felt like a disgusting, evil sinner who could only hope that my good works would somehow balance things out such that I would be worthy for one of the lower heavens (there are multiple levels of heaven in Mormon theology).

I suppose the culmination of my Mormon experience was attending Brigham Young University when I returned from my mission. BYU is the gem of the Church, and the policies of the institution serve to make it the epitome of what Latter-Day Saints represent, good and bad. It was during my first semester there that my wall of denial and repression was broken down, and I began the long hard road of self-acceptance and understanding. My coming out process was gradual, as I first attended the reparative-oriented Evergreen support groups, and it eventually led to me finally accepting my sexuality as part of who I am, and pursuing relationships with men.

In terms of my original spiritual home, you could say that I chose to leave it, that I willingly disobeyed the house rules and thus put myself at odds with its mission and purpose. While that may be true in some ways, I believe I did my best for a long time to fit in, to conform and obey, and ultimately it did not work. For me at least. I think that the LDS Church is a valid, helpful, and even beautiful spiritual home for many people, and if they are happy there I would never wish for them to leave. At the same time, I believe that it is better to leave if you find it oppressive, and to search among the other existing spiritual homes, or even strike out on your own and build your own (whether it be a shack or a mansion). That is the point I am at, and in "part 2" I will attempt to describe my ideal spiritual home and posit some ways I might be able to find it.

"out" of the garden: why mother eve and i are not so different

2009-12-16T10:35:00.005-07:00

While visitng in Utah for Thanksgiving, I saw the BYU production of Children of Eden by Stephen Schwartz. I admit, I was surprised that BYU actually put the production on, because of some of the themes it contains. However, I really enjoyed it, since it furnishes a new way to look at some of the stories from the Book of Genesis. One of the more meaningful aspects of the story for me was how it portrayed Eve and Cain. In this version of the story, they both share a thirst for knowledge, not being content with the status quo. When she was tempted to eat the fruit, Eve expressed desire to know what lay beyond the bounds of Eden, and she wanted to have Father’s knowledge. Similarly, Cain was not content to stay in the wilderness with his parents and brother, Abel, waiting for Father to return and let them go back to Eden. He eventually learns that they will never be able to return, and actually forsakes his family’s pious, innocent existence in order to find out what lies “beyond the waterfall.” It’s certainly a much more sympathetic treatment of the traditionally evil, cursed character Cain is made out to be.

A few days later, while walking with a friend who had attended the musical with me, we discussed the story of leaving the innocence of the garden for a life of knowledge, which is both beautiful and painful. He shared a completely new application of the story of Eve’s choice, based on what we had seen in the musical the week before. Based on what he shared, this is how I conceived it for myself:

I grew up in the safe, innocent, even idealistic atmosphere of gospel doctrine and Mormon culture. The Church was my life—it formed the foundation of my views on everything, and I took everything it gave me without question, seeking only to do what was right and please my parents, church leaders, and ultimately God. The Church was my Eden. And just as Adam and Eve were given certain limits to what they could do (in being forbidden to eat the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil), I was given similar instructions to avoid certain substances, behaviors, and ideas. The part of those instructions I internalized most revolved around sexuality. I was then unaware of my own sexual orientation, though it began to manifest itself in some ways from an early age. But because of what I was taught, I sought for my entire adolescence to not only avoid anything sexual, but to actually annihilate my own sexuality, because I thought it was evil and wrong. I was not only trying to avoid the forbidden fruit, but actually believed I needed to chop the tree down.

As we know, Eve eventually spoke to the serpent, who convinced her that by eating the forbidden fruit, she would be wise like God, knowing all things. He conveniently did not mention that such knowledge would result in both joy and pain, and that knowledge, when misused, is dangerous. Even more, Eve would gain the knowledge of her own death and the death of her loved ones. Instead, the serpent played up the positive aspects of eating the fruit: gaining wisdom and becoming like God.

In my case, I would say that the serpents who told me the half-truths about being gay were our greater culture as well as the gay culture itself. From the popular, Western/American culture, I heard messages about the danger of being gay, that I would contract HIV and die a lonely and miserable reprobate. From the gay popular culture, I heard idealized messages about beautiful men, out-of-this-world sex and Broadway musicals. I even heard about the possibility of having a long-term relationship with a man.

Yes, these messages were seductive, and like Eve, I partook of the forbidden fruit. In the Genesis account, this was a single event, but for me it was a process that took a few years. I didn’t bite down all at once, but I took my time, tentatively tasting what I had for so long feared and avoided. I do remember the sweetness of my first kiss, which was just as innocent and earth-shattering as when Eve’s teeth pierced the skin of the fruit. That was the first time I had tasted affection from a man, and it changed my world forever. I felt fulfilled in ways that I had never felt before, and I finally understood why people cared about “love” and “sex” and “dating”—concepts I hadn’t ever really understood. Finally, I felt in touch with the deepest part of my humanity, and the prospect of finding fulfillment through the expression of my sexuality and pursuing relationships was delicious to me, and very desirable.

Some would say that was my Fall. Once I gained a clear and more perfect understanding of who I was, what I felt, and where that could lead, I found it increasingly difficult to stay in my Eden. God himself told Adam and Eve that they needed to leave, but in my case it was a combination of God, the Church, and my own volition. In the church, I felt increasingly uncomfortable as I realized that I would never be fully accepted or seen as worthy unless I denied the precious part of myself that I had so recently discovered. My whole goal as I evaluated my beliefs and tried to make important choices was to stay close to God, and let him guide me where I needed to go. I have indeed felt that guidance, and even to this day I can say that I feel that I am where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing. I ultimately came to the conclusion to effectively leave Mormonism, and venture into the “lone and dreary world,” full of hard work, grief, suffering as well as joy, love, fulfillment, and beauty.

There are some days that I do still yearn for the simplicity of Eden. That was a time when I had all of the answers, when I felt sure of my destiny and secure in my beliefs. I now live in a world that does not have easy answers, and I don’t know what tomorrow, let alone eternity, will bring for me. But I am content with my decision to be in this place, and knowing what I know now, I could never go back to Eden. I now see that in Eden I was incomplete, and that now because I have experienced both deep sorrow and profound joy, I feel fully alive. Similarly to what Adam and Eve expressed years after leaving the Garden, I can also say that “were it not for [my] transgression [I] should never have [known what it is to love and be loved in return,]…and because of my transgression, my eyes are opened, and in this life I shall have joy” (Moses 5:10-11).

a new look at old issues

2009-10-23T15:00:00.003-06:00

Denver, CO—The state legislature held a special conference Monday to address current adolescent issues. Mental health professionals, school administrators, and parents convened to discuss the factors that most influence teens’ personal and academic development. Also among those present were many groups of adolescents who were there to express their views and share their experiences. Of most concern to all were the treatment of reproductive and racial minorities in schools, and the programs designed to help under-achieving students who are often from affluent backgrounds.

Addressing the conference attendees, Marc Jasperson, member of the Denver Board of Education, said: “The time has come to address the great disparities that exist in our schools. Some of our teens are growing up in a hostile educational and social environment, and we need to understand the factors involved in order to make changes and address needs.”

One important issue addressed at the conference was the treatment of reproductive minorities. Those who are attracted to the opposite sex are often put at odds with the dominant gay and lesbian culture, and those individuals find few resources in addressing the needs that come with their heterosexual orientation. One male student said, “It’s hard feeling so different for something you have no control over. I have been attracted to girls my whole life, and nothing I do can change that. And the only thing they really tell us we can do after we get our education is make babies. I don’t just want to make babies, I want a career.” Indeed, there has even been controversy over the term “reproductive minorities” because the term seems to stereotype people with a heterosexual orientation as only wanting to reproduce between themselves.

Carrol Harnsworth, director of State Reproductive Services, begs to differ. “These kids want special treatment just because they feel they need to reproduce with the opposite sex. Our services are specifically designed so that no one should need to have intercourse to reproduce. Our egg and sperm donation programs and our surrogate network are proving to be very effective in serving the needs of the community. It’s difficult to understand why some people choose not to participate.”

One student who has firsthand experience with this issue is Janelle Goatson. At 15 years old, she has fallen into a peculiar predicament, since she is pregnant due to heterosexual intercourse. As a girl from a wealthy family, she already lacked the social status she so desired in school. “Since my parents pay for everything, I don’t know what I will do or where I will go when they find out. Kids make fun of me, calling me a “breeder,” and I don’t know if I can finish school in this kind of environment.”

Janelle’s experience is not uncommon for heterosexual teens. They often experience emotional and psychological difficulties as the result of teasing and discrimination. Though research has shown some links of a heterosexual orientation to genetics, there is still much debate as to why the orientation still persists in society.

Dr. Paula Fortin, a Denver area psychologist, pointed out some measures that can be taken to better support underprivileged students: “Teens need a healthy support structure. This structure involves home and school, parents and teachers. Students of a higher socioeconomic status, in an ethnic or racial minority, or who have a heterosexual orientation need all the more support because of the severe psychological as well as social difficulties they face. As educators and parents we can go back to the things that have always worked: open communication, building trust, emphasizing love and not judgment, and promoting programs that help our students succeed.”

it's been a while

2009-10-12T15:51:00.003-06:00

and I keep thinking I need to write some grand and glorious post about something terribly, terribly important. But that isn't the point. I have to remind myself of the beauty of simple, perhaps banal thoughts that I might want to share, since I so often enjoy the simple, sometimes banal thoughts of others. I also hate update posts, but this might become one.

I feel like I'm in a whirlwind of experiences. There are so many things to think about and so many things going on...it begins to seem daunting. Let me be more specific: I have been living in Colorado for two months now, and so much has already happened. The simple answer to "How is Colorado?" is that I love my classmates, my classes (except statistics, but even that's going better), my roommates, my house, Fort Collins, the weather here, and Colorado State University. I have been impressed by the people I'm meeting, and the experiences I'm having. I'm just starting the first step of a long road....but I still feel it is the right road, and I will stay on it.

In summer 2008, I had a couple experiences where I felt very strongly that I needed to pursue a PhD in Counseling Psychology. I attribute those experience to divine guidance, and so I applied to programs, waited for responses, and ultimately ended up here, at CSU. Now that I have been here for a couple months, I have begun evaluating again, to see if I am indeed where I still need to be. And last week I had another confirming experience, perhaps less spiritual, but reassuring nonetheless. I feel like this is a good program, and that Fort Collins is a place where I will be able to put down some roots, at least for the next few years. This past weekend, I had a conversation where I began to convey my passion for psychology and my excitement at being on the path to my dream career, and it felt so so good. I wouldn't want to do anything else, and I am so grateful that I have this opportunity to advance in my education and professional development.

Recent experiences have caused me to reflect on some themes or unresolved issues that I want to explore, some of which I may do on here, or perhaps in personal therapy. But it helps to know and really feel that I am right where I need to be in my life, and that I am still going in the right direction.

The Great Divorce-Westy Style

2009-08-12T22:02:00.002-06:00

I have been in Colorado two days and I already have Colorado plates on my car.

Abrupt, you might say. Sudden. Rash. But it's all part of my plan to become a Colorado resident (mostly for tuition purposes). I met with the Financial Services office today and they laid out all the hoops I have to jump through to be recognized as a resident, which involves forming ties to Colorado and severing ties with my ex-state. Sorry Utah, you were good to me for so many years, but I must move on.

So far, I love Fort Collins. It's a beautiful city. There are bicyclists everywhere, along with sprawling parks, trees every few feet, quaint neighborhoods, and the Rocky Mountains hovering in the distance. I visited CSU's campus today and was quite impressed. Being used to BYU, I thought I would be disappointed in another university, but so far I have been nothing but amazed and delighted. It actually does remind me somewhat of BYU's layout, except there is about twice as much green space. Everyone who helped me today was not only courteous but friendly and helpful. That goes for CSU employees as well as the people at the sheriff's office, the county court offices, and the DMV.

This is by far the calmest evening I've had since my arrival. The first evening I went to a PFLAG ice cream social that a friend invited me to. It was a wonderful experience because the focus was on finding ways to help the local Fort Collins religious community become more understanding and welcoming to its GLBT members. Fourteen churches were represented, and each shared its intra-congregational struggles and brainstormed ways to move forward. Mostly, it was touching to see parents who say with teary eyes, "I love my children--straight or gay."

Last night I went out with my roommates (two really beautiful girls, one from Denver and one from Portland). We ate at a lovely sushi restaurant, then strolled around Old Town, the city center with all the bars, boutiques, and restaurants. After that--well, let's just say we got some champagne and it all went to our heads.

I did, however, have a moment of feeling lonely today. I had called and texted some friends, but with no response, and was feeling a bit daunted by the mass of paperwork I need to compile. So what did I do? I called my mommy. She empathized and encouraged as she does best, and I felt better. Of course it's normal to have moments like that during a significant transition, and so I just sit with my feelings and experience them as worthy expressions of the love for what I left behind. There are certainly people here who will become some of my dearest friends, and I look forward to putting down roots here in Fort Collins. My mom compared me today to a plant that has been transplanted, and I'm still feeling the shock but will eventually feel just as secure and grounded as I did in Utah. These things simply take time.

As a friend told me yesterday, "Utah's loss is Colorado's gain." I will always think of Utah as my home, but it does feel liberating and refreshing to break away from what I have known to settle in a new place. So far I feel this new place welcoming me and inspiring me to continue with my personal and professional goals. As long as I stay true to what is inside me, I don't believe it really matters where I call my home.

"No More Goodbyes" - a response

2009-07-15T17:47:00.004-06:00

Today I finished reading Carol Lynn Pearson's book, "No More Goodbyes: Circling the Wagons Around Our Gay Loved Ones." Reading it was a beautiful experience that reminded me that at the end of the day, we just need to love people. Just love people. Just love people.

We may not agree with others' choices, beliefs, or clothing style, but in spite of our differences we can love them. It is inevitable that we will encounter people with vastly different experiences from us, experiences that are no less valid than our own. Ultimately, I believe all we have to go on is our experience and what we can learn from others. Whether through prayer, study, listening to promptings, or reasoning, each of us must feel out, as best we can, the best path for us, and I believe we know when we are on the right path because it is then that we love life most and begin to understand who we really are.

My own experience as a gay man has taught me many beautiful truths about what it means to live and love, and how to be compassionate to other people, whatever their circumstances. I have learned that you can assume nothing about anyone. I have learned patience. I have sat down with difficult choices and tremendous consequences, weighed them carefully, and moved forward in ways that have blessed my life.

It was during my first semester at BYU that I finally realized/accepted/became aware that I am gay. A lifetime of confusion, self-hatred, repression, and denial melted away into an intense depression as I found myself in a group that even I had spoken ill of. It took a year or two to work through many issues, especially my religious beliefs and expectations for the future. I attended Evergreen, firesides, and other gatherings where I met other Mormon men who experience homosexual attraction. It was only about two years ago when I could finally say that I loved and cared about myself. Those beautiful feelings coincided with a general acceptance of who I am, and since then I have thought deeply about my purpose here on earth and my life's meaning.

In conclusion, I want to say that being gay has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. And reading Sister Pearson's book has reaffirmed that feeling and enhanced it. I recommend it to all, because it reminds us to be more aware and understanding of others' trials and conditions, whatever they may be. And most of all, it reminds us that we just need to love people. Whatever the situation, we must do our best to love others. I pray that my life can become a model of that kind of selfless, unconditional love, and that whatever I may face in the future that I can face it with strength and with self-assurance. May God help and bless us all.

dietary consciousness: a lesson in awareness

2009-06-17T10:48:00.004-06:00

I am a vegetarian. Well, perhaps more of a lacto-ovo-pescatarian at this point in time. Let me explain:

A couple years ago, while at BYU, I was spending all my time on campus--every day, all day. For convenience, I ate at the Cougareat, and over time I realized that all of my meals contained meat in them, and I began to be sick of always eating meat. This view was supported by what I knew of the Word of Wisdom, which counsels to eat meat sparingly. That part of the principle always seemed under-emphasized to me. In church we always talked about avoiding coffee, tea, tobacco, alcohol, and drugs, but somehow rationalized that eating several hamburgers at a ward BBQ was okay. Somehow that became a less important part of the law, and carnivorous gluttony seemed a lesser evil than drinking a cup of green tea.

Anyway, the story continues with me moving into a house with fantastic roommates who were all vegetarian. That fall we made a dinner group along with the girls who lived across the street--a vegetarian dinner group. This was my first exposure to a complete vegetarian diet, and I appreciated the delicious preparations my friends and I made for dinner. Though I still ordered meat dishes in restaurants, my consumption of meat was greatly reduced, and I felt better.

From that time on, I became a self-described "meat minimalist," and the only time I would eat meat was when I ate out, and even then not all the time. The greatest change took place when a friend recommended a website to me, called chooseveg.com. When I explored the website, it showed how animals are sometimes treated in farms and slaughterhouses, and I was appalled. Having always been sensitive to the treatment of animals, I was horrified to see how the animals we eat are often deprived of their dignity and are mercilessly abused, then brutally killed. The site explains ethical, environmental, and health reasons for being vegetarian. Of course it’s biased toward promoting vegetarianism, but the experience jolted me enough to make me commit being a vegetarian. My initial reason being that I did not want to support an industry that promotes such a degradation of life and a mass-marketing of cruelty.

Since then my philosophy behind my diet as well as the diet itself has morphed and expanded, as I seek a reasonable way of living that follows the greater principles behind the practice. The central principle that guides my eating practices (as well as my way of seeing the world) is CONSCIOUSNESS. Consciousness of what I put in my body, where it comes from, what it means, and the effect my consumption has on the world around me. More than anything, I am disgusted by the lack of connection we have to our food in general, whether we eat meat or not. Thus the principle, in my opinion, is not completely about what I eat, but about recognizing that the food I ingest comes from somewhere, takes resources to produce, and might have a certain dignity that should be respected. For example, I feel that a cow should have the dignity of being a cow while it is alive, free to roam the pasture, socialize with its cow friends, and then when it is time to kill it, to do so quickly and humanely. More than anything, I advocate dignified treatment of the life that sustains our life—there is nothing wrong with eating meat, I believe. It’s just that I am uncomfortable with the amount of meat our society consumes and the methods it uses to produce such mass quantities of meat. There is a sense of entitlement to eating meat in our society that disgusts me, made worse by the lack of consciousness that the meat we consume comes from actual living things.

When I pray over my food, I thank God for the living things that have given their life that I might live—whether they be plants or animals. I don’t know that I will always avoid eating meat and poultry, but I hope that I can maintain a consciousness about what I eat throughout my life, coupled with a gratitude and appreciation for the sources that sustain me.

MoTab inspiration

2009-06-16T23:36:00.002-06:00

Tonight I went to the free pre-tour concert put on by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. While I have heard many of the songs many times over, I quite enjoyed the concert, and I was truly touched several times by either the words or the music. While they sang "Come, come ye saints" these words stood out to me as they were backed by a beautiful sound:

"We'll make the air with music ring, shout praises to our God and King....All is well!"

I'm not sure why I liked that part so much, having sung it all my life, but perhaps the combination of the music and a few months of not having sung it helped me hear it with a fresh ear, and I was able to feel the beauty intended by those words.

I think we should all make the air ring with the music of our praises to God, for being alive and for living in this beautiful world.

sex and the salt lake city

2009-06-08T22:00:00.010-06:00

I would try to start this post with something punny if I were sex columnist Carrie Bradshaw, but alas I am not.

Sex and the City has become my all-time favorite television show. I saw the movie last summer, and surprisingly liked it. I was touched most by the love I saw between Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha--girlfriends extraordinaires. Then, during my last semester at BYU, I began watching the TV version, then the DVD version of the series--and my life changed. SATC provided much-needed catharsis and got me through those last lonely months at school.

Like any fan, I took a few of the "Which Sex and the City character are you?" quizzes and the most reliable results put me as being about half Miranda and half Charlotte. Which works. I do have a practical side when it comes to relationships, at times trying to quell my feelings for someone because they are inconvenient and/or irrational. Yet I am also the idealistic Charlotte, who after a successful outing with a man exclaims, "Maybe he's THE ONE!" And while I might fit more comfortably in a Miranda or Charlotte role, I suppose I still aspire to be like the Queen of Sex herself, Samantha. Avoiding commitment at every turn, she goes from one man to another, like the libidinous sybarite she is. "It's just sex," she says.

Samantha Jones has been the patron saint of my summer. This is because I have a tendency toward monogamy, which probably comes from my upbringing, especially my strictly repressed sexual past. With girls, who I was never attracted to or interested in, it was fine to go on a date with one girl one week and another the next week. All in good fun, right? However, my track record with men is that if I go on a couple good dates with a guy, we end up dating for however long. That is not to say that I did not enjoy dating who I did in the past--and I am still friends with all of them and care about each of them. But after all, I am 24, and have only gone out with a handful of men. Yet there are so many men out there! So many people to meet! And at this point in my life I have felt the need to put myself out there and meet a lot of people, dating men with the same frequency and variety that I dated women, and just having a good time. Other factors in this include the fact that I am only in Utah for a couple more months, after which I move to Colorado, so I don't really want a serious relationship at this point. And so to change things up and try a new approach, I took Samantha for my role model.

It began by finally signing up on Connexion, a networking website for LGB people. I have many friends on it, but have also met several people on it who I have gone out on dates with. Some were good, some were mediocre. I would say that none were bad--no creepers and no jerks. It has felt so good to be excited to go on a date, and not feel any fear of being seen or discovered. I am finally able to again enjoy the dating scene--this time with the gender I am attracted to.

However, I am afraid I am having a hard time sustaining the Samantha in me (probably because there is none), and I find myself sinking back into monogamy. As much as I admire her, I don't think Samantha and I are compatible. The Charlotte in me longs for the commitment, stability, and romance of a relationship. Even if it's a short-term one. And though nothing is for certain at this point, I have started seeing someone, and I recognize the old patterns returning. If I enjoy being with someone who I am attracted to, why would I still go out with other people? That seems to be the rhetorical question I ask myself to justify my monogamous habit, and though I would hate to admit it to Samantha, I think I am slipping back to my old ways.

So there you have it. Instead of a glamorous life of one night stands and hordes of lovers, I am most likely doomed to have short- and long-term monogamous relationships, full of commitment, stability, and romance. And who knows, maybe I will even find "The One."

mise-à-jour

2009-06-08T20:49:00.002-06:00

It's been too long. There are several subjects/themes I have been meaning to write about for some time floating around in my head, but have not taken the time. And now we are well into the summer, and I am finally taking the time to write something. But before I do, I just want to do a little update, so that there is at least some continuity going on....

So it happened. I finally graduated from BYU!!!! I quite literally thought it wasn't going to happen, but it all worked out. I found my last year there particularly difficult, what with Prop 8, a run-in with the beloved Honor Code Office, and mounting anxiety and paranoia about being there. I spent a lot of my mental time there repeating the rosary prayer, "I don't belong here. I don't belong here." And guess what?!?! I felt like I didn't belong and I wanted out even more. I swore I was going to leave BYU with some kind of anxiety disorder. My trust in others was essentially hit by a nuclear bomb when I was reported to the HCO, and even though nothing happened, the paranoia, bitterness, and feeling of separateness only increased, until I couldn't stand it anymore. It numbed the nostalgic feelings I would probably have had, and all I wanted was to graduate and get my diploma.

That is why I am so grateful I participated in the commencement exercises. I hadn't anticipated BYU graduation to be such an uplifting, healing, and emotional experience for me. Yet I found myself moved when I sat in the Marriot Center with my fellow graduates, and I felt a stir of pride as my degree was conferred upon me. Over the days of commencement and convocation, the bitterness, anger, and distance I had felt for months were eroded away, and I was left with a sense of gratitude for the education I received at BYU, and pride for the achievements and contributions I made while there. As I sat there, I thought, "You know, I do belong here. I have made meaningful contribution to the school as well as the education of the students here. I have every right to possess this diploma, and I am actually proud to do so." Ultimately, I feel that though BYU may not think so, my life will reflect the values and standards of excellence that it promotes. I do believe in the saying, "Enter to learn, go forth to serve," and I hope that my personal and professional life can be reflections of the wisdom contained in it.

The way I frame my BYU experience, at least for now, is similar to the way I frame my mission. It was a cherished experience that was very difficult at times that I would never do again. And though I might disagree with certain policies and practices at BYU, I can say that I love the school, and that 95% of my happy memories from the last four years are tied to BYU.

But that doesn't mean I wasn't excited to leave, and even more thrilled to receive my diploma in the mail a month ago. Physical possession of the diploma, to me, symbolized complete emancipation and freedom from retribution. Essentially, I felt that once I got my diploma in hand, my education and professional future were no longer contingent upon my lifestyle choices, and that I was no longer bound to a moral code I no longer believe in. And all I can say is that since I got my diploma my life has expanded and developed in wonderful ways (which will be detailed in other posts). Basically, I moved out of my parents' house into an apartment in Salt Lake with two other gay guys, and I have been soaking up life with many of the people who are dearest to me. I feel like I am in a secure, centered place spiritually, physically, relationally, and emotionally. Basically--life is good.

Saint Patrick's Day

2009-03-16T22:21:00.004-06:00

Last summer, we discovered that Samantha, one of the stray cats who had adopted my family, had given birth to a kitten. He was born under some boards next to the building we call the pad, so we named him Paddy (which we decided was also short for Patrick). We watched him grow and though he was initially afraid of us, we were able to get to the point where we could pet him and play with him. He had such a cute, playful personality. My mom especially adored him, and she build Paddy and his mom a little shelter next to our front door for the winter. Both were outdoor cats, and they were content to play in our yard and catch birds and mice or whatever else they could find.

Tonight, my mom told me that on Saturday night Paddy didn't come around when she called before bed. The next morning our neighbor called to say that there was a cat in the middle of the road. My mom knew it was Paddy, and so she and my dad went to get him, and they buried him a couple feet from the place where he was born. Mom told me she planted a flower over his grave today too.

I was sad to hear the news, but in the few hours since hearing the news, I have been tearful and just a little bit sad. It might be because I have had a lot of emotion in the past couple months but haven't been able to release it until now, but it has felt so good to cry tonight. I guess Paddy's death has once again reminded me that life is so precious and so easily lost. I have seen Paddy's whole life, and to me it is a reminder that whether we live for 9 months, 9 years, or 90 years, we will all die. Though I have worked through a lot of my feelings toward death and mortality, I guess there will always be pain when I lose someone I care about and love, even if it is a pet. Funny how animals can touch us so deeply that we cry over them when they pass away. Of course I'm more of a softie than most.

So on this Saint Patrick's Day, I will be remembering my Patrick, the adorable kitten who was with us only a brief time, but who brought much joy and amusement to my family.

carl rogers, "on becoming human"

2009-03-02T23:04:00.004-07:00

"Neither the Bible nor the prophets--neither Freud nor research, neither the revelations of God nor man can take precedence over my own direct experience."

SAD

2009-01-14T23:13:00.002-07:00

Over the past five years, I have noticed a pattern: about the end of December or beginning of January, I begin feeling apathetic, depressed, irritable, and just not myself. By the end of February or March, I feel cheery and "normal" again. However, it was only last year when I became aware of the pattern, and though I somewhat anticipated it returning again this winter, I was hoping I could stave it off with exercise, sleep, and a healthy diet. Well...not so lucky. I took a look at the most common symptoms of seasonal affective disorder, and I found several that apply (and that recur every year, around this time):

a change in appetite (somewhat)
weight gain (i wish)
a drop in energy level (yep)
fatigue (yep)
a tendency to oversleep (somewhat)
difficulty concentrating (yep)
irritability and anxiety (yep, much to my chagrin)
increase sensitivity to social rejection (yep)
avoidance of social situations and loss of interest in the activities you used to enjoy (yep, it sucks)

I don't really know what the point of my writing this is; I suppose I just want to state that I have this problem, and I need to figure out the best way of going about it. I just don't feel like myself right now, and I feel more frustrated than anything that my brain chemistry gets screwed up at times when I really have so much good in my life. Well, this isn't meant to be a pity party, but if anyone has some Prozac to spare, send it over.

GRAD SCHOOL APPS ARE IN!!!!

2008-12-10T11:30:00.012-07:00

I finally submitted all my applications for counseling psychology PhD programs. I won't know any decisions for a while, but it's such a relief to have the applications done. Here are the lucky schools that got them:

a dear friend shared this with me yesterday and i love it

2008-11-10T19:57:00.001-07:00

the greedy the people
(as if as can yes)
they steal and they buy
and they die for because
though the bell in the steeple
says Why

the chary the wary
(as all as can each)
they don't and they do
and they turn to a which
though the moon in her glory
says Who

the busy the millions
(as you're as can i'm)
they flock and they flee
through a thunder of seem
thoguh the stars in their silence
say Be

the cunning the craven
(as think as can feel)
they when and they how
and they live for until
though the sun in his heaven
says Now

the timid the tender
(as doubt as can trust)
they work and they pray
and they bow to a must
though the earth in her splendor
say May

e. e. cummings

what is a friend?

2008-10-31T16:20:00.002-06:00

a friend is:

someone who does your laundry for you when you have been to busy to do it.

someone who sends a meaningful text just to say hello and "thinkin bout ya".

someone (who might be your mom) who loves you unconditionally.

someone (who also might be your mom) with whom you can talk about EVERYTHING under the sun and still be friends afterward.

someone who gives you a ride to wal-mart on sunday because you have no more food.

someone who you dated and who shows that they still care about you.

someone who can sing showtunes with you like nobody's business.

someone who you can tell about your chihuahua.

someone who shares beautiful art, music, and words with you on a walk home, or in an email.

someone you can chat with for two hours that pass like a few minutes.

someone who uplifts and inspires you.

to all my wonderful, amazing friends: i love you so much, and know that the kindnesses you show me never go unappreciated. thanks for helping me get through a rough couple of weeks.

why i oppose prop 8

2008-09-25T16:54:00.006-06:00

What an election year! There are some crucial campaigns that will be decided by the vote in November. Other than the presidential election, the campaign I am most interested in and concerned about is the one for marriage equality in California. The other day I made a feeble attempt to explain my position to the "Yes on 8!" table at school, but I would prefer to do it in writing on a blog that practically no one reads, if only to collect my thoughts and examine the issue further.

Of course I am sympathetic to the cause of marriage equality (hence voting no on prop 8) because I am gay. I realize that I cannot completely divorce myself from my situation to look at the issue completely objectively, but neither can anyone else. However, I have thought about this a lot over the summer and even more this semester, and have come up with a few specific reasons why I oppose prop 8:

1. I look to the case of interracial marriage for an illustration of another form of marriage that was looked upon as immoral, unnatural, and unnecessary. Prior to 1967, when the Supreme Court decided that banning interracial marriage was unconstitutional, there had been many movements to define marriage as being only between people of the same race, as well as legislation passed banning interracial marriage. Today, that would seem unthinkable to many to keep people from marrying because of something they did not choose--their race. I assume that the love between people of different races is the same as that between those of the same race. I simply see too many parallels between interracial marriage and gay marriage to not support a movement that would bring equal treatment and equal rights to all people.

2. When I talked to the Prop 8 people on campus, one of them told me that gay couples already have 99% of the rights of married people and so there is no need to give the term "marriage" to their relationships. The domestic partner laws suffice. To me, this smacks of "separate but equal": Black and white people both have the same right to water, but the black people need to go and use their own fountain. Rosa Parks can ride the bus with everyone else, but she'll just need to sit in the back. Still, she get's 99% of the same transportation as everyone else. That argument just doesn't fly with me. In Alma 30:7 we learn that it is "strictly against the commands of God that there should be a law that would put men on unequal grounds." Prop 8 sounds like such a law to me.

3. Some say that this debate is over the definition of "traditional marriage" and not an attempt to keep rights from people. I cannot help but wonder what tradition we are trying to uphold. Heterosexual marriage has been no picnic, especially for the millions of women who have been mistreated, abused, forced to have child after child with no recourse to birth control, and denied any right to hold property rights or have a say in family matters. Of course, there are wonderful marriages in this world where husband and wife enhance one another and create a beautiful family. However, I hesitate putting marriage up as a shining example that has "traditionally" been good for society. Patriarchal society, perhaps. I also do not understand how same-sex marriage would harm heterosexual marriages, especially religious ones. It seems to me that most men will still be attracted to women, and most women to men. If they grow up in a religion, they will most likely remain in it and marry in it. Our species would reproduce even with basic libidinal instincts. It seems ridiculous to suggest that allowing gay people to marry would somehow destroy that.

4. Opponents to gay marriage often use fear tactics to get people to vote against it. They say that religious liberties will lose respect, that traditional families will be ridiculed, that children will be taught *gasp* about gay relationships, and that free speech will be inhibited. I have read much on both sides on each argument, and while many of those proposed consequences have roots in reality, they are exaggerations. Advocates of traditional marriage also express concern for children being raised by gay parents, thinking that they will either become gay themselves or will grow up thinking homosexuality is "normal." The gay parents I have seen are among the most attentive, loving parents I have ever witnessed. You know they care about creating a good family because they have to fight to adopt children and obtain documents proving their legitimacy as a family.

My greatest reaction to the Proposition 8 broadcast I attended last Wednesday was feeling cheated on both ends. The whole time I was looking at the church leaders on the screen, my eyes begging them for an answer to this question: "You say that I as a gay member of the church can only remain a good member if I am either celibate or if I marry a woman. However, should I decide that those options are unfeasible, and pursue a long-term relationship with a man I love, you would deny me the opportunity to commit myself to him through marriage and create my own family based on the very principles I have learned in the Church. What do you want me to do?!?! How am I supposed to feel?!?!" All I can say is that the participation of my church in the ProtectMarriage campaign has been hurtful and divisive for more than myself.

With good conscience, I simply support what I feel is right and pray that God will help us all.

God is Love

2008-09-14T17:17:00.003-06:00

I had such a beautiful experience this afternoon. My roommate and I attended ward choir practice for the first time today, and since things are just getting started we decided to do a hymn sing-in. Each of us chose a hymn to sing, and I noticed the hymn "God is Love" (#87) and requested it. And so we sang:

Earth, with her ten thousand flow'rs,

Air, with all its beams and show'rs,

Heav'ns infinite expanse,

Sea's resplendent countenance-

All around and all above

Bear this record: God is love.

Sounds among the vales and hills,

In the woods and by the rills,

Of the breeze and of the bird,

By the gentle murmur stirred-

Sacred songs, beneath, above,

Have one chorus: God is love.

All the hopes that sweetly start

From the fountain of the heart,

All the bliss that ever comes

To our earthly human homes,

All the voices from above

Sweetly whisper: God is love.

By the time we got to the third verse, I was so touched by the beauty of what we were singing that I got chills. And a bit teary-eyed. This song today was a reminder of the God I believe in, one who loves me, who loves all of creation, and who is ever present in our lives if we allow him to be. While sitting in that room with those people I had barely met, I felt such love and such powerful energy that by the end all I could do was reverently, "sweetly whisper: God is love."

i've read this passage from "walden" about 7 times already this week

2008-08-14T14:09:00.003-06:00

"I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."

some thoughts on volunteering in hospice care

2008-08-06T16:41:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I felt so posh as I walked down Main Street in Salt Lake and into a high rise of condominiums, pushing the call button and taking the elevator up 11 stories to see a family benefiting from hospice care. The condo was about what I imagined, nicely decorated though perhaps a bit outmoded (some walls were completely covered in mirror). The lady of the house greeted me, showed me where the cranberry juice was in the fridge, and then introduced me to her husband. He, like all other hospice care patients, is terminally ill and he looked like it more than the other people I have visited with. He was lying on his bed, naked but for the brief clutched to his groin, and an aide was trying to help him get into his wheelchair for a sponge bath and a bed change. I stood by, holding the wheelchair in place as the aide lifted the man and placed him in it. For all the sagging skin, I imagine he has lost some weight due to the cancer, and his joints appeared swollen while his flaccid muscles seemed to hang from protruding bones. I could see the shape of his femur quite clearly. Yet his face held a certain dignity, and he vocalized his concerns and his desire to do as much as he could by himself.

This striking scene represented one thought in my mind: no matter what we do in life, no matter what our career is or how much money we make, we can find ourselves dependent on someone to wash our body, change our briefs, and hand over the pee bottle when needed. How is that for the end of a life?

But there's more. While I was sitting in that gentleman's bedroom, his daughter who lives nearby came over. She crawled on the bed, kissing her father's taught forehead, and asked him if he wanted something to eat, with such love effusing from her eyes that it was impossible not to smile. She returned with toast and soft-boiled eggs, which she fed to him slowly and carefully. She even shared her cigarette with him. Later, when his wife returned, the three of them were gathered together on his bed, smiling, laughing, talking about the gigantic calculator his wife had just bought (a Brookstone model--it was enormous).

The redeeming value of seeing people who are suffering and dying is seeing their loved ones gathered around them, making their last weeks/days/hours precious to them. They need one another to the very end. I have been impressed in this way each time I meet the family of the hospice patient. I see the concern and love in their interactions with their loved ones. A wife sponging the lips of her unconscious husband as he struggles to breathe. A social worker massaging a dying woman's dry hands with lotion that smells like freesia. A grandson visiting his grandfather who has large, visible tumors on top of his head. These images will stay with me forever.

As I've been able to live a little in the shoes of hospice workers, I come to believe more and more in the mission of hospice care: to help those who are dying to pass away with dignity and humanity. Once again I have been reminded that people matter, up to and even beyond their last breath. A human being is such a powerful, beautiful creation, always deserving respect. I feel so blessed to have observed and participated in the dying process of a few individuals this summer, each of whom was a unique, beautiful, valuable soul.

the faceless millions have faces

2008-07-28T16:27:00.002-06:00

It happens when I pass by a large town or city on the freeway. It happens when I walk in large crowds. It happens when I’m at the largest waterpark in the nation, looking around at all the half-naked bodies surrounding me. It’s a feeling of awe at the amount of people there are in the world, most of whom I will never know, never learn to care about, never speak to. Looking at a town from the freeway, I realize that each house and business represents the livelihood of many people, and the town itself seems like another world to me, one which I will never enter. When I was at Denver’s WaterWorld last weekend, I was amazed at the sheer number of people there in their swimsuits, amazed at the amount of people who chose the same recreation that afternoon. There was something unifying about being with a few thousand park visitors all in swimsuits (which often don’t leave much to the imagination, I realized)—and everyone was comfortable and recreating happily. This feeling I’ve described can be awe-inspiring in a positive way, but it also has a shade of fear along its underside, a fear that my individuality might be lost in this crowd of humanity. If there is such a diversity of people and so many people, am I even important? Do my aspirations, worries, relationships, and opinions matter?

Sometimes we hear about the “faceless millions” (or billions if you will) that populate Earth. The thought that helps me through those overwhelming moments where I feel so inconsequential against the swarms of strangers I see is that these “faceless millions” do indeed have faces. And feelings. And families. And priorities. And opinions. Just like me.

So then I find myself contemplating the middle-aged, bikini-clad woman at the park. She will never know me, and I will never know her. I have no idea of the triumphs and failures she has experienced during her life. The stretch marks of childbirth and the graying hairs on her head provide a few clues to her experience, but unless I actually go to her and open myself up, she will always remain a stranger. Yet I don’t want her to remain a faceless stranger, because I am determined to recognize that she matters. Her opinions matter, even though I might not agree with them. Her relationships matter, even though I might not be able to help them in any way. Her unexpressed heartaches matter, and I pray God that there is someone in her life that can listen to them and help her, because I cannot. I’m just a stranger.

Obviously, it’s impossible to meet every person in a city, let alone the world. I don’t think that’s the point. Those people who do come into our lives are suddenly transformed from “faceless strangers” to people we care about, people we dislike, people we try to help, and people we avoid. Those are the people God has given us to work with, and it is with them that we can have a direct influence. While it isn’t always a bad thing to think on an impersonal, global scale, I’m more concerned with those who I know personally. When I think of the first time I met someone who has become a close friend, I am amazed by all the experiences, feelings, and thoughts that we have since shared. A single human being is such a complex creature, and it is beautiful when two complex beings with so much hidden in their depths can come together to share parts of themselves with one another. So as I go through life and see strangers around me, I will try to remember that they do have faces, and that their lives are every bit as meaningful and important as mine. Most likely, I won’t ever meet a small percentage of the people on this planet, but I hope and pray that I will be more than a “faceless stranger” to those I do.

Music and the Spoken Word 2 weeks ago = refreshing

2008-07-21T15:17:00.002-06:00

Cultivate an Attitude of Understanding

Delivered By: Lloyd D. Newell

For centuries, people have separated each other by setting up barriers and boundaries—the divisions we call “us” and “them.” In our interconnected society, we interact almost daily with people whose heritage, religion, skin color, gender, language, or choices are different from ours. The challenge lies in how we treat each other when we have little in common except our humanity.

Small children seem to be especially good at this. When you smile at a child, she smiles back. When you make a face, she giggles. When you wave good-bye, she waves too. Barriers disappear in this simple, satisfying exchange. Perhaps children haven’t yet learned to see those barriers. Or maybe they see more clearly what’s really important.

Anne Frank, a child herself and a victim of persecution because of her heritage, wrote that “we’re all searching for happiness; we’re all leading lives that are different and yet the same.”1
“I still believe,” she observed, “in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart.”2

Accepting one another—no matter our differences—is a measure of our character and our hearts. Acceptance is not about changing “us” or “them”; it’s about a friendly gesture, a smile, an appreciation for interesting company or new ideas. It is learning to accept others despite mistakes, weaknesses, or bad choices and still loving them for who they are. Acceptance comes more easily when we are at peace, confident of our own place, our beliefs and direction.

“Cultivate an attitude of understanding, and come to genuinely like people,” religious leader Thomas S. Monson has said. “I’ve rarely met a person that I didn’t want to get to know better. ... It doesn’t matter who they are.”3

1 The Diary of a Young Girl, ed. Otto H. Frank and Mirjam Pressler, trans. Susan Massotty (1991), 324.
2 The Diary of a Young Girl, 332.
3 In Gerry Avant, “Church President to Be Sustained in Solemn Assembly,” Church News, April 5, 2008, 4.

filling the pensieve

2008-07-14T16:30:00.004-06:00

I just need to freewrite a little to get my thoughts in order. The last few weeks have been a huge transitional time for me physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I’m trying to sort through a lot of baggage and emotions and trying to figure out where I’m going with my life. Today and yesterday I’ve been feeling a little melancholy and unmotivated. I had a flash of fear today that I might be entering another depressive episode, but I don’t think I am. I just feel like I’m not doing much with my life right now. I feel like I’m constantly putting out energy to do things, but those things aren’t yielding much back. I wish I had a regular schedule with a job or something. As it is, I water the lawn twice a week, I help dad with concrete twice a week, (which is good cuz I’m making money). I try to study for the GRE which I’m taking in a month. I try to do volunteer work but that’s not very time-consuming, just once or twice a week at most. And those are all good things and they do keep me busy some of the time, but I’ve gone a few weeks where many days I have nothing to look forward to, nothing really planned. I go to the gym to work on my ever-present goal of gaining muscle, which is working. :) But I just feel a bit stagnant. I’m not sure what it is exactly that I lack, but I just feel a bit lackadaisical and unenthusiastic.

At the beginning of the summer when I came back from BYU I was so excited to get involved with my internship and volunteering and going on trips and everything, but the internship fell through, and the classes I took ended, and now all I have is working at home w/ Dad which I don’t always like. I’m not sure living at home is the best thing for me at this point, but I’m kinda stuck here, seeing as I have only about 5-6 weeks to go. The thing I don’t like is feeling obligated to be here and like I’m deserting my family if I go out. When I’m at school, no one asks me where I’m going and I can just do what I want. However, it’s not always a bad thing to feel obligated to one’s family. I am greatly indebted to my parents for what they do for me and provide me with free of charge. Meals. Health care. A car. Fresh fruit. A bed to sleep in. Air conditioning. So I feel I do owe them some of my energy in helping around the yard, especially since their own health is deteriorating.

The thing that frustrates me the most is my relationship with Dad; it's by far the most imbalanced, difficult relationship I have right now. Every time I’m around him, I have this sense that he doesn’t even know me anymore, and I would work on telling him who I am if I wasn’t so afraid he would reject me. It’s not just the gay thing, although that is a big part. It’s about accepting that I may have different opinions and that I have a different way of life than he does. I view things like money, work, play, love, sexuality, and spirituality in a very different way from him. Some days I just want to blow open the wall of non-communication between us and shake things up a little, in hopes that we might begin to finally have an honest, genuine dialogue. I just might, someday, but not right now. It’s the risk we take when we get involved with other human beings. Any relationship is a risk, be it friendship, parenthood, or a romantic relationship. We have no guarantee for what the other person will end up doing or becoming, and we must simply press forward with the knowledge we have and the common sense to keep out of too much trouble.

UGH! Life.

To finish, I’ll recount a good thing from today. During the sacrament, after I’d passed the water by without partaking, I was sitting praying to God to help me figure things out, to keep his Influence in my life and to help me be aware of it and how to share it with others. I read the words of the hymn “Reverently and Meekly Now” with such phrases as “I have loved thee as my friend / with a love that cannot end.” And after reading it and praying I had a few moments of that exquisite peace that I sometimes feel where the only words that describe it are “It’s going to be ok. It is ok. I am ok. Everything will be ok.” A calm, powerful reassurance that I can be at peace, that I’ll be ok. I feel that as long as I stay in touch with my heart and my soul, the very essence of who I am and the person I want to become, I will be ok. As long as I don’t lose sight of my role in life as a witness of truth, a listening ear, and a helping hand, I will be ok. As long as I stay my selfishness and try to think of others first, I’ll be ok. As long as I seek and celebrate goodness in all its forms, I’ll be ok. As long as I stand up for what is right and build the courage to speak out against what is wrong, I’ll be ok.

I’m reading Man’s Search for Meaning right now, and it has caused me to reflect on the meaning of my life. I don’t think that the purpose of life is to be happy. There are so many people who are miserable and who have horrible lives, but who may see meaning in their suffering, which one might label as happiness or acceptance. Many happiness-oriented people, even in the Church, tend toward hedonism, which isn't the point of living. I think that we should seek but not expect happiness; we should also expect and not shun suffering, for it will teach us more than happiness ever will. All to often I get depressed about having a bad day or two, when I have forgotten all the days where I was happy if not reasonably content. It’s in days like yesterday and today (which really weren’t that terrible) that I reflect more and that I pause to see where I am and where I am headed. I have to remind myself that it’s ok to have a blue day once in a while, because I have so many that are wonderful.

Hope is dead.

2008-06-23T12:00:00.005-06:00

Y'all better give up now: I found this in the Salt Lake City Cemetery.

FIXING FRANK...fixing myself?

2008-06-23T11:33:00.005-06:00

The other day when I was at the library I picked out a DVD that intrigued me called Fixing Frank. The synopsis reads:

“Reporter Frank Johnston is sent undercover by his boyfriend, psychotherapist Jonathan Baldwin to write and exposé on Dr. Arthur Apsey, a therapist who claims he can successfully change gay men to straight men! Posing as a patient, Frank eventually falls under Apsey’s spell. As Frank’s relationship with Jonathan deteriorates, a fierce psychological tug of war erupts between the two doctors over the heart and the mind of Frank.”

Basically, the film examines reparative therapy, the type of therapy designed to “repair” a homosexual individual and help them become, if not completely heterosexual, the least homosexual possible. For a while, I wondered which side the film was promoting (it is ultimately against RT), but it was interesting and challenging to hear the arguments made by Dr. Apsey as he defended his methods. Dr. Baldwin denounces such therapy as being inhumane and damaging, but Apsey boldly advocates the virtues of his approach.

When I first came out to myself, I remember the great distress that permeated every moment, the looming acceptance of something I had always hoped could not be true about me. I remember thinking that once I went to a therapist and worked through my issues I would be “fine” in six months or so—what a cheerfully naïve prognosis! In the counseling I did do, I worked through my self-worth issues and my perfectionism, such that by the end of the semester I was no longer depressed and, hey! I even started to like myself a little.

It was at that point that I began attending Evergreen meetings, where I met other gay LDS men like myself who were seeking support and answers to far-reaching questions like “Is change possible?” “Could I one day marry a woman?” etc. When I first joined, I was told to buy three books: In Quiet Desperation, Growing into Manhood, and Jason Park’s Resolving Homosexual Problems: A Guide for LDS Men. I read the Park book first, and it essentially advocates a reparative approach, discussing male emotional needs and possible reasons why men are socialized to have homosexual feelings. I found many things interesting and because I had so little knowledge and experience it all seemed fine and dandy to me. Just fill those homoemotional and homosocial needs, and the homosexuality goes away! Or if it doesn’t go away, it will diminish such that normal heterosexual feelings could take its place, or the person would feel less distressed.

Wanting to know how this might happen, I began reading Alan Meninger’s book Growing into Manhood. As has happened with only two or three books that I can recall, I couldn’t finish it. The book freaked me out! The message I got from what I read was that I would essentially have to give up my personality and interests and force myself into more “masculine” circles in order to learn how to be a man because I didn’t when I was growing up. While I grant that I did feel excluded from many of the “male rites of passage” in my childhood and teenage years, what that book proposed scared me and seemed to place before me an insurmountable and perhaps damaging task. So I stopped reading it, bewildered and wondering what would happen to me if I could never change and I remained (gasp) myself with (gasp) homosexual feelings.

Then I read In Quiet Desperation. Though I don’t know how much I agree with/relate to it now, at the time it was so helpful for me in getting me away from the I-have-to-change-soon-or-I’ll-always-be-miserable mindset. The concept that helped me most was when Ty Mansfield said that, in reference to our ultimate salvation, our sexual orientation won’t save us. Heterosexuality isn’t our savior, God is. From that point on I decided it was much better to work on my relationship with God and remain close to him instead of trying to be someone I’m not and feel something I don’t. I threw out the idea of trying to become straight and “resolve my homosexual problems” and instead worked on self-acceptance, spirituality, and developing wholeness in my life.

Seeing the film last night brought back all of these memories, including the prior conflict I had felt, feeling much like Frank at times where I didn’t know what I wanted or who to believe. In one scene, Dr. Apsey offers Frank a pill that he says will make him straight, hypothetically. He asks Frank to ignore everything other than his own voice and then asks if he would take the pill. I have been asked a similar question when I’ve spoken in classrooms. People have asked me if I would change my orientation were I given the opportunity. For a while the answer would have been a simple “yes,” but now I’m not so sure. I have learned so much about living and I have had to confront issues that I never would have because of my homosexuality. I have learned greater empathy and understanding, for myself and others. It’s a tricky question, and right now I have an idea the answer today would be “no.”

How do I feel about reparative therapy? The thought I took away from watching this movie was that changing one's sexual orientation is, as with many things, a choice. Those people who do not want their same-sex desires might benefit from such therapy, though some people come off worse because of it. I don't see it as unethical or immoral to help people attain the state of being they desire, but it is a choice on the part of the person and it takes an enormous amount of committment. Personally, I think it would be damaging for me to deconstruct my feelings and my reality at this point. However, I have deep respect for my friends who are trying to change and those in mixed-orientation relationships. Props to you if you can do it, and I won't try to stop you. Every person has to decide what is best for him/her. The following words of my favorite musical Wicked seem to fit those who choose either path:

Glinda: I hope you're happy / Now that you're choosing this...

Elphaba: You too - I hope it brings you bliss

Both: I really hope you get it / And you don't live to regret it / I hope you're happy in the end / I hope you're happy, my friend...

enfin!!!!

2008-06-06T15:46:00.002-06:00

After a couple weeks of aimlessly wandering about my neighborhood looking for people to talk to or things to do, I finally have something that will keep me occupied!!! I fell upon an opportunity to volunteer at a hospice and homecare facility in Salt Lake, and I'm way excited about it. It might seem bizarre to be excited to work with dying people and their families, but when I first interviewed with the social workers at the place I came away with a jubilant sense of assurance that I really am on track with my career direction. I love this stuff, and this is yet another confirmation that I am working toward a profession that will be meaningful and fulfilling to me. The people there are so awesome, and when I came out to one of the social workers, she came out to me, which was fun(ny). But I look forward to shadowing the SW's, chaplain, and nurses, and eventually having people to visit and help out. I'm sure I'll have experiences to share and feeling to explore as I get into it.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

2008-05-27T12:09:00.002-06:00

I just feel the need to write, to work out my thoughts in a way other than thinking them. I have really enjoyed this day. For the first time in a LOOONNNGGG while, I enjoyed church today. After a month as a nomadic church member, I finally found the ward I am supposed to attend, and I went today. Sacrament meeting was okay, but what really impressed me was the friendliness of the ward members. The girls in front of and behind me all asked if I was new and we chatted for a while, one even invited me to a barbeque at her house. It felt so genuine and friendly, and I didn’t feel weird there. Then I met up with some guys from my home ward, and we went to Gospel Principles. The teacher was starting the course over, so the lesson was on God the Father. People in the class had some really insightful comments, and I even made a few comments myself. Not the rehearsed, I-know-the-right-answer-so-I’ll-just-say-it type of comments, but I feel I was able to genuinely express my feelings and even talk about my spiritual weaknesses, such as they are.

In fact, I told the class that unlike other people who had just commented, I have grown up with a stronger connection to Heavenly Father than to Jesus Christ, something I am working through and trying to examine and strengthen. I didn’t say anything like, “I don’t believe in Jesus Christ” because I don’t think that’s true. But I adequately expressed that concern and I even heard some other comments that were helpful to me. The basic idea was this: Since God and Christ share the same attributes, then one reason for Christ to come to earth would be to show men the true character of God. Since we have no physical evidence of God himself, at least there has been a person on the earth who claimed to be his Son, to possess his same attributes, in order to show us how to be like God our Father and return to him. Much of my problem is that I often don’t know where to place Jesus in relation to God, since all the functions people attribute to Christ seem to be filled or able to be filled by the Father. This explanation I heard today made sense—in a way that resounded with my logic as well as my personal Truth-sensor.

Unfortunately, I had to cut out early from that class because my parents were both speaking in my home ward. That was also a beautiful experience. My mom talked about baptism, and gave a pretty comprehensive discourse on it. It was special to see her bare her spirituality publicly. Then my dad spoke. His topic was repentance, and he did a wonderful job. What I liked best was the personal way in which he approached the subject. He related several experiences he had with his father as a young boy, where he made a mistake and his dad got angry and punished him (physically and verbally). One time, as a teenager, he backed into a neighbor’s car, and drove off without realizing it. The next day, the neighbor called asking my dad to come over, and he walked the long mile to the man’s house. Dad apologized profusely, offering to pay for the damage. The neighbor calmly and kindly said, “No, I can pay for it. Your apology is enough.” My dad was stunned by this reaction, being used to anger and punishment in retribution for mistakes. In concluding, he said that more dads should be like that kind neighbor. I don’t exactly know why, but I got teary-eyed during my dad’s talk. I do know, though, that during those 10-15 minutes, I saw the very best of my dad. I saw the part of him that is loving, wise, honest, and tender. I think that is what made me emotional. It was a beautiful moment.

Walden: some thoughts

2008-05-27T11:55:00.006-06:00

For the last few weeks, I have been basking in the words of Henry David Thoreau’s book, Walden. I chose it to read first this summer because I believed it would set a good tone for my summer, and it has. If anything, it has deepened my appreciation for the simple things in life. It has really resonated with my own recent thoughts about life, the meaning of life, society and society’s problems, and living authentically. So far, my favorite section has been “Economy”, in which he lays out his reasoning for going to Walden Pond, and he analyzes the basic human needs of food, shelter, clothing, and fuel. For each, he tries to find the original meaning it had and how that meaning has been altered or corrupted in our present day. For example, he says that clothing was initially intended to keep our internal heat inside, to conserve our energy and keep us warm. Over time, however, society has placed more importance on the condition, style, (and brand in our modern times) of one’s clothing than the dignity and worth of the person wearing it. He says: “No man ever stood the lower in my estimation for having a patch in his clothes; yet I am sure that there is greater anxiety, commonly, to have fashionable, or at least clean and unpatched clothes, than to have a sound conscience. . . . Often if an accident happens to a gentleman’s legs, they can be mended; but if a similar accident happens to the legs of his pantaloons, there is no help for it; for he considers, not what is truly respectable, but what is respected.”

Brilliant. And he speaks in a similar way about everything, intensely looking into the crevices of our thought and behaviors in society, trying to sift out what is wrong or unnecessary and keeping that which is true and beneficial. I find a sweet, simple inspiration in his words, and for the first time in a long time I feel a connection to a writer through his words. Sitting down to read Walden is like briefly entering another person’s thoughts, in order to benefit from his musings and strokes of enlightenment. There’s simply too much to talk about with this book. If anything, I need some time to collect my thoughts and that might take till I finish the book itself. I hope to write more on it again soon, but for now I would just like to share some of my favorite passages:

“Most men, even in this comparatively free country, through mere ignorance and mistake, are so occupied with the factitious cares and superfluously coarse labors of life that its finer fruits cannot be plucked by them.”

“As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.”

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?”
“I say, beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.”

“But lo! Men have become tools of their tools. The man who independently plucked the fruits when he was hungry is become a farmer; and he who stood under a tree for shelter, a housekeeper. We now no longer camp as for a night, but have settled down on earth and forgotten heaven.”

“Before we can adorn our houses with beautiful objects the walls must be stripped, and our lives must be stripped, and beautiful housekeeping and beautiful living be laid for a foundation: now, a taste for the beautiful is most cultivated out of doors, where there is no house and no housekeeper.”

(On students) “I mean that they should not play life, or study it merely, while the community supports them at this expensive game, but earnestly live it from beginning to end. How could youths better learn to live than by at once trying the experiment of living?”

“A man is not a good man to me because he will feed me if I should be starving, or warm me if I should be freezing, or pull me out of a ditch if I should ever fall into one. I can find you a Newfoundland dog that will do as much. Philanthropy is not love for one’s fellow-man in the broadest sense. . . . I want the flower and fruit of a man; that some fragrance be wafted over from him to me, and some ripeness flavor our intercourse. His goodness must not be a partial and transitory act, but a constant superfluity, which costs him nothing and of which he is unconscious. This is a charity that hides a multitude of sins.”

“Every morning was a cheerful invitation to make my life of equal simplicity, and I may say innocence, with Nature herself.”

“Morning is when I am awake and there is a dawn in me.”

“The millions are awake enough for physical labor; but only one in a million is awake enough for effective intellectual exertion, only one in a hundred millions to a poetic or divine life. To be awake is to be alive. I have never yet met a man who was quite awake. How could I have looked him in the face?”

“Let us settle ourselves, and work and wedge our feet downward through the mud and slush of opinion, and prejudice, and tradition, and delusion, and appearance, . . . through poetry and philosophy and religion, till we come to a hard bottom and rocks in place, which we can call reality, and say, This is, and no mistake; . . .”

“How can you expect the birds to sing when their groves are cut down?”

“Give me the poverty that enjoys true wealth.”

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.”

success

2008-05-22T15:27:00.004-06:00

A couple weeks ago, I went to BYU to speak before a sociology class about my experience of being a gay Mormon. I did the same thing last semester, and it was a very positive experience for everyone involved. I was in the same class last fall, and I came out to my professor at that time. He invited me, if I was willing, to talk to his class about my experience. I accepted, and have now become the honorary gay BYU student for that class. My goal in doing this is really to increase awareness and promote understanding. So far, it has been nothing but successful, as the following reaction from a student shows (I edited my name out with dashes and a few grammatical corrections were made):

"The day that ------ came and spoke to our class about sexual orientation and his personal experience here at BYU and being gay really got me thinking. Sexual orientation is such a difficult matter because it is a subject that is very complex. It is not black and white at all. When I was younger, it was made clear to me that being gay was wrong and a very serious sin in God's eyes. I grew up in a religious, active LDS family, and for some reason grew up with the idea that someone who was gay chose to be that way because they must be wicked of course. Soon after being introduced to the concept same sex attraction, ideas and talk suggested that being gay or a lesbian was more than choice, that it was a genetic part of a person's make up. From my observation, people around me such as my parents, church leaders, and members of my community, simply regarded this scientific approach to sexual orientation as a means of justifying the wicked. Although I didn't ever hate gay people, I always thought that part of them chose to be that way. Now I think very differently when it comes to a person's sexual orientation. I am much more open now.

"As we discussed in class and read about in our text book, a person's sexual orientation is truly something that people are born with. If being gay or being a lesbian is a sin and unacceptable before God, then why would he send people to Earth with genes to make them that way? I suppose there are the people who argue that having those attractions are just a way that God is testing these people, but I would hope that the God we believe in would not be so cruel. To deny yourself of love, pleasure, and being with someone who truly makes you happy is the worst punishment I can even imagine. I mean, these people can deny, deny, deny all their lives, and then what? Are they ultimately alone? Would God really want this, when in the scriptures he states that the purpose of man and this life is to have joy? Yet, if these people "give in" to their attratctions are they forever sinners who are doomed and cut off from exaltation? It just seems like such a lose lose situation. These are questions that I have been pondering since ------ came and spoke to our class.How do I feel about same-sex marriages and or civil unions? I used to think I knew, that the answer was so clear. In our church's family proclamation it clearly states that marriage is between man and woman. But even in this church people struggle with their sexual orientation. Is it better that they never marry when we are told that marriage is the most important covenant we make in this life to help us get to the celestial kingdom? Should they deny their true heart's desires and marry someone from the opposite sex and be miserable for the rest of their lives? Is that what God wants from these people? What is the chance that they will not only hurt themselves but their families if they decide one day that they can no longer put on the facade and leave their wife and children? It is just so sad to me, and I feel like there is no real good answer to any of it, even inside the chuch.

"Ultimately I think that in the end God will be the judge and the decider of all of us, that it is not up to any of us to judge or to make the rules. I think that it is easy to say that being gay is wrong or that marriage is clearly just supposed to be between a man and a woman when we dont personally know anyone who is gay. Yet, would the people who have these so sure assumptions change their minds at all if it were their son or daughter who had these struggles? I would think they would. I think that hearing ------ and learning more about sexual orientation and the complexity of it all has if anything made me more open and understanding, and less judgemental. And for that I am grateful."

If Democrats had any brains....

2008-05-15T15:18:00.005-06:00

Now, when I walk into my dad's office, I see a number of newly-purchased books lining his bookshelf. Among them are Liberal Fascism, Because They Hate, Godless by Ann Coulter, and her new book If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans. Somewhat bewildered, I examined this new Coulter creation. I had already attempted to read Godless, telling myself I would attempt to keep an open mind and listen to her point of view. However, I only got halfway through the first chapter before I felt degraded by its overwhelming negativity and hatefulness. Her arguments were weak, her appeals were emotional and not rational, and every page was lined with statements that I simply cannot and would never want to agree with.

My dad takes in a hefty dose of similar opinions each day, beginning with Laura Ingram, proceeding to Rush Limbaugh, on to Sean Hannity, and finally to some nice bedtime stories with Ann C. I am often saddened by the effect this has had on my dad. He will mutter angry words about people sometimes, calling them (especially gays ;)) "scumbags" and "maggots"--all taken from Limbaugh's rhetoric. Just today I heard beloved Rush say in a very nasty tone that the problem with "liberals" is that they are never satisfied, they never have enough. He proclaimed that America is doing just fine and that President Bush is the man for the job.

When I hear people demonizing liberals like that, I think of my friends, many if not most of whom are self-identified liberals. Somehow, in them I see what it truly means to be passionate about life, to care for others no matter what, to think deeply and examine issues before taking a stand. They represent the most cherished qualities we find in humanity, yet those whose opinions my dad feasts on would condemn their aspirations and beliefs as silly, godless, and irrational. How sad.

I recently changed my political views on Facebook to "liberal." Usually, I eschew labels except when they prove useful in representing the idea or identity I want them to. I do identify as "gay" because that represents in large measure how I feel and how I am, though I strongly reject adherence to stereotypes for stereotypes' sake. In a similar way, I have labeled myself "liberal" on Facebook. This does not mean that I accept all "liberal doctrines" (as Ann C. calls them) but that it most closely represents my views on social and political issues. I know how my parents feel about different issues because we have discussed them openly all my life, yet my experience has informed my views, and because my experience has been/is different, my views are, too.

Whenever I talk about this, I hear the "tolerance paradox" echoing in the back of my head. The argument that liberals focus on being tolerant while they are intolerant of conservative views. I hope I don't do that. I want to be open and at least listen to what others have to say, even when I strongly disagree. Even now, I remain "conservative" on some issues, and in any case, Utah and American politics is highly skewed to the right anyway, so in Europe I would most likely be seen as a far right fanatic.

Just some thoughts from today. :)

Excuse the emoticons.

l'été dernier

2008-05-01T17:02:00.004-06:00

Exactly one year ago, I left my home for a grand, 3-month adventure in my belovèd France. This past week I have felt the pull of my beaux souvenirs and so I write to perhaps dispell the not-so-small twinge of sadness that I'm not there right now. Basically, I am a sentimental fool that sometimes prefers to savour the past. This is such a moment.

The above picture is the first picture I took of Caen, outside my bedroom window when I first arrived. I remember that first day: Sitting, heartbroken, on a plane, watching The Holiday and bawling my eyes out because I had left someone I dearly loved. Being distracted by the hot French guy across the aisle from me (one of the three hot French guys I saw my whole time there). Arriving in Paris early in the morning, emerging from the escalator onto an "everyday" Paris street. Buying my first official pain au chocolat and Orangina for breakfast. Asking for directions to the Gare St-Lazare. Running to composter (punch) my train ticket and losing my flip-flop in the way, watching it fly underneath a neighboring train. Running half-barefoot to my second-class seat. Feeling bewildered, sweaty, dirty, and a bit sick on the train, surrounded by strangers. Arriving at the Caen train station, looking for Virginie, the one person I had talked to beforehand, not finding her, and waiting. Driving to the Université de Caen and going to my room. Collapsing on my bed and sleeping for several hours. Eating dinner with Virginie's family. Not sleeping all that night.

I remember waking up with a kind of tentative excitement, like a kid on Christmas morning. I threw back the curtain of my room and saw that same view of my new home town. Caen: la ville de Guillaume le Conquérant et la Deuxième Guerre mondiale. The next three months brought many dear friends, beautiful experiences, and personal growth. Though I have a lot to do and look forward to this summer, and though I intend to have beautiful experiences with dear friends and grow personally this summer too, I will most likely still compare it to my incredible été 2007 in Normandy.

*picture of the last sunset I saw in Caen *sniff*

summer book list

2008-04-13T16:52:00.007-06:00

I am so looking forward to summer. It will be a welcome change from eight months in school. I'll be taking one class just so I can transition into academic nothingness a little more easily, but I'll also be doing my internship, volunteering, playing with friends, etc. I have much hope for this summer, and one of the things I am most looking forward to is READING FOR PLEASURE!!!

So I am trying to compile a list of books I will read this summer, and I would love your help! If you have a book that you love, that has changed your life, that made you laugh, that made you see yourself or the world in a different way, please tell me! I would especially like to read 20th century fiction, contemporary fiction/non-fiction, and books in French. But I would love any and all suggestions! Here's what I have so far:

My Summer Reading List:

The Glass Castle
Man’s Search for Meaning
Walden
The Golden Compass trilogy
Le Scaphandre et le Papillon (if I can find a copy that doesn't cost $130)
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Love's Executioner
Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in America
The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream
The Life of Pi
Naked

So please tell me what other books I should read!

Conference Weekend

2008-04-06T21:29:00.006-06:00

So General Conference has come and gone, once again. The questions at school tomorrow will be, "How'd you like conference?" "What was your favorite talk?" "Conference was great, huh!" My answers to those questions this time around are quite different from those in years past. I feel like I need to write down some of my feelings about this weekend as I continue to process all of them.

How did I like conference? It was okay. There were some hilarious moments and a couple talks touched me, but for the most part I felt disinterested and quite distant from the things everyone was saying. I like to think that I went into it with an open mind and with the desire to learn something or hear something helpful. However, I came away from each session feeling little, or feeling sad because of the apparent disconnect with my religion and my former faith. I would describe this conference as bland, as there were no ear-catching talks like we've had in the past (Pres. Hinckley's talk on peace and war, Elder Oaks on pornography, etc.). The only one that really captured my attention and that I loved was Elder Wirthlin's. In it he said something like "God didn't create an orchestra of people to only value the piccolos." The message I got from him was that it isn't necessary to fit a certain mold in order to be a good church member. Duh. But I think it was beautifully delivered and it really spoke to me because I think it's easy to forget. It spoke to me where I am now, spiritually and emotionally. I would like to think that I can be myself and still be a good Mormon. Elder Wirthlin is such a sweet man, and I am just now remembering that my favorite talk last conference was his, on love. Maybe there's a trend.....

There were some hilarious moments. President Monson wiggling his ears---helLO! Probably the most riotously hilarious conference moment of my life. The newly-sustained prophet wiggles his ears in the first priesthood session. I guess another outcome of the conference was a renewed/newfound appreciation of Pres. Monson. He's such a genuine, kind, personable man, and I really loved his words about Frances, his wife. That was quite tender.

Another hilarious moment: During priesthood session the kid in front of me had fallen asleep and as I looked at him I noticed something strange. He had his elbow resting on his hand which was upside down on his knee, and one of his fingers was blue. BLUE! I couldn't believe it at first, but my friend next to me confirmed it, and I suddenly became concerned that the young man in front of me was about to lose a finger. I tried to kick his chair but it didn't wake him up. After a couple minutes he started snoring, at which point his dad nudged him. Upon waking up he shook his finger and I saw color flowing back into it. Whew.

Other than that, I don't remember much what was said. It seemed like the same old things, things I have heard my whole life and am now questioning, and the answers to my questions just didn't seem to be there. It isn't that I disagree with the doctrines and teachings of the church. I have essentially taken a step back and am now investigating my once-firmly-held beliefs from the outside in. Instead of just accepting things because they are nice and because they seem good or true or right, I am examining the implications such beliefs have for me and my loved ones. During priesthood, someone said I am a "son of God". This is a belief I find very beautiful and valuable in my life. At first I just let those words come in my ear like all the rest. But no. Wait. "Son of God?" What does that mean? If that's true, what do I need to do? Does God care what kind of son I am? It seems that this one principle has a lot of potential in determining the way I see myself and proceed with my life. And I do love that teaching, but I think I have even put that one in the "to be reviewed" category.

That category has grown in the past few weeks and months. In it are such things as the reality and relevance of Jesus Christ, the First Vision, Church authority and administration, necessity of ordinances, reality of the Devil, the place of women in the church, and the validity of my own past spiritual experiences. Sometimes these seem like such daunting doubts to tackle, and I think most of the time I complacently let them sit in a pile on the floor. But Conference caused me to reflect on those things and I guess the only thing I felt was a sense of bewilderment at being in a place I thought I would never find myself. I came home from my mission not quite three years ago, and now I am questioning the fundamental beliefs of the Church I served for 2 years, and believed in my whole life?

There are some things I don't question, or dare not question. I believe God exists, that he cares for me, and that he helps me in my life. I believe there is purpose and meaning in my life, and the lives of all those around me. Beyond that, I am still trying to figure things out. My greatest hope and comfort is that I can rely on God to guide me and direct me where I should go. The thing I want to work on most is my communication with him, so that I can clearly communicate what I feel and need and want, and understand the answers He gives me. God is the only One I trust with my life path and my future. May I listen as He guides me.

Dear Dad,

2008-03-30T20:20:00.005-06:00

When we were talking during breakfast on Saturday, you said something that really hurt me. As we were talking politics, you made a comment on homosexuals saying, "If they want to practice their lifestyle, whatever, but I would never be friends with one of them." Taken aback, I asked, "One of who?" "Homosexuals." You replied. You then went on to say that it is important to stay away from the kinds of people that will bring us down, that don't hold good moral standards.

Perhaps one day, Dad, I'll be able to tell you that I'm a 'homosexual'. It hurt to see you shut out a whole group of people (which includes 'good' and 'bad' individuals, as any group does) based on one characteristic. I've heard you call Rosie O'Donnell a "scumbag" and a "maggot" and I know you can't even watch anything referencing gays on the news. But what if I come to you one day and let you know that this is something that I deal with as well? Will you turn away from me because I will bring you down morally? Will you shut me out because I'm different? Will you still love me?

I pray God you will, because Dad, I love you so much and always will. No matter what.

your son

beau sourire

2008-03-26T13:38:00.004-06:00

I just want to thank the beautiful girl with Down's syndrome that I saw today. Her radiant smile made my day.

:)

Gandhi's Seven Deadly Sins

2008-03-21T16:44:00.000-06:00

Mohandas Karamachand Gandhi, one of the most influential figures in modern social and political activism, considered these traits to be the most spiritually perilous to humanity:

Wealth without Work
Pleasure without Conscience
Science without Humanity
Knowledge without Character
Politics without Principle
Commerce without Morality
Worship without Sacrifice

taken from this site:

http://www.deadlysins.com/features/gandhi.htm

activism

2008-03-20T11:43:00.000-06:00

Over the past month I have had contrasting moments where I realize how blessed I am and how good my life is, and how horrible and awful life is for many other people in this world. Granted, I have hard days and sometimes I think my life is so difficult and terrible. My life is the only one I have lived or will ever live, so I know the most about it. However, I would take my trials, challenges, doubts, questions, and hardships over those of anyone else. I've had recent experiences where I've had a window into the lives of others, and it has given me a much stronger desire to DO SOMETHING to help those who need it.

A couple weeks ago, I started watching Schindler's List. That film affects me so strongly, and even after watching half of it I came away with renewed amazement of what we sometimes do to our fellow human beings. Anything I see or read about the Holocaust amazes and terrifies me. During the movie I looked at the Germans who truly believed what they were doing was okay. Perhaps some of them questioned what they were doing. Perhaps when they went home to their families that night remembering the killings they had aided in that day. Then I looked at the Jews and thought of the emotional cost of seeing your husband or wife shot right next to you. Of seeing your grandfather led away to be killed because he's "worthless." After watching it I thought, "That was roughly 70 years ago. Only 70 years ago. My parents were alive when that happened. But what is going on in our world right now?" It's not hard to then think of places like Darfur, Burma, Rwanda, and others that have witnessed terrible crimes against humanity. I also think of my own ancestors who were raped, murdered, and forced out of their homes because of their religion. That was in the United States of America, the home of the free and land of the brave.

I'm also in an abnormal psychology class this semester, and we have been talking about some very difficult and damaging problems in society and in peoples' lives. We've talked about eating disorders, suicide, and depression. Having had my own struggles with depression, I know what it means to want to harm yourself and even end your own life. I know that so many people around us struggle with similar feelings, and I also know that healing and recovery are possible. I always hope that I would be able to offer help and healing to someone going through a difficult time. Too often the deepest heartaches and sharpest pains go unexpressed.

Last time in my class we talked about substance abuse, and it made me so sad to see how people destroy their bodies, relationships, and quality of life by using drugs and other addictive substances. Not only does it affect those who partake, but also their children,
their partner, parents, and the society they live in. I thought of people I've known and know now that use addictive substances and I worry about them and how that will play out in their future life.

A couple days ago a friend of mine was telling me about a book he's reading that describes children growing up in a poor, sexually-abusive household and how they were able to finally leave it to make better lives for themselves. Then I just think that every day, women and children are abused emotionally, physically, and sexually. Such abuse is a reality for many people, and has far-reaching consequences.

All of this probably seems obvious. Of course there are terrible things in the world. Most religions attempt to explain why bad things exist and why they happen to us. There are many people who do great good on an individual, national, and international level in helping those who are suffering and caught in dangerous situations. The point of this post is that I have internalized this reality more than I have in the past, and I feel like my former complacency will no longer be enough. I want to help people. I want to make a difference "in my Calcutta" as Mother Teresa said. Of course I can't attack all of the evils in the world and change them, but I think it's important that I look for ways in which I can make a difference in my sphere of influence. The career I'm seeking will provide me with many opportunities I'm sure, but I'm sure right now there are things I can do as a student to help and improve the world around me.

I have so many friends who are examples of this to me. They participate in and organize activities that increase awareness and promote understanding of difficult issues and events going on in the world. Up to this point I have simply admired them from the sidelines, perhaps chipping in the extra minute to listen to them explain what they are involved in. But now, I think I might be starting to understand the feeling that motivates them. Sure I can't change the whole world, but I can use my influence when I can for the good of others and I can seek out opportunities to help. It all seems vague right now, and I'm sitting here with a kind of "now what?" feeling.

All I know is that I don't want to settle into semi-ignorant complacency again. I want this to lead to something more proactive and ultimately more meaningful.

My spiritual journey continues....

2008-03-16T16:25:00.000-06:00

This has been a spiritually moving week, culminating in an actually interesting/edifying Sunday. I have been reading the Book of Mormon with one of my close friends lately, to discuss the scriptures openly and ask questions and get opinions on doctrines and specific verses. It's been helpful, but the other night we were both too tired to concentrate/care about what we were reading. So to close off our session I just looked for a red-highlighted scripture to read. I turned to Alma 36:3, which reads:

And now, O my son Helaman, behold, thou art in thy youth, and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.

Upon reading this verse I thought, "YEAH! This is what I deeply and truly believe and long for!" It goes right along with my current approach of letting God guide my life and seeking his guidance in figuring out what I should do in my life. It's certain that along the way I will have trials, troubles, and afflictions (since I already have experienced some) and it's so comforting to know that there is someone in whom I can completely trust to support me. The last clause, when I read it, brought me the same lovely feeling of peace that always means, "It will be OK. Don't worry. It will be OK." I know how I would like my life to turn out and there are things I would prefer over others, but as I put my trust in God my Father then I can know that wherever he leads me I can be confident in knowing that I should be there.

So today at church, I was reading in the Joseph Smith manual (because for once I brought it with me) and I found some gems that really struck me. I want to ponder them some more but here they are with my initial thoughts:

1. "When the fact is admitted, that the immediate will of heaven is contained in the Scriptures, are we not bound as rational creatures to live in accordance to all its precepts? Will the mere admission that this is the will of heaven ever benefit us if we do not comply with all its teachings? Do we not offer violence to the Supreme Intelligence of heaven when we admit the truth of its teachings, and do not obey them? Do we not descend below our own knowledge, and the better wisdom which heaven has endowed us with, by such a course of conduct? For these reasons, if we have direct revelations given us from heaven, surely those revelations were never given to be trifled with, without the trifler's incurring displeasure and vengeance upon his own head, if there is any justice in heaven...."

This one, I admit, knocked the wind out of me a bit. I love the boldness that Joseph Smith uses. And I agree with him 100%. IF we really do take the scriptures as being the "immediate will of heaven," THEN it behooves us to live what they teach. I believe the same goes for our own personal revelations and spiritual experiences. If God has given us light, we can then only live with our without that light. There isn't really a way to do both or neither. I'm still working out my 100% belief in the scriptures, though I know they are important and valuable. I have in the past felt peace about them being true, so I am trying to work all of that out now.

2. "Be plain and simple and ask for what you want, just like you would go to a neighbor and say, 'I want to borrow your horse to go to [the] mill.'"

Here Joseph is talking about the manner in which we pray. I love the idea of leaving the rote repetitions behind and the cliched phrases and really just saying what we mean. I was thinking the other day how in contemporary English the thee, thou, thy, thine form and the you, your, yours form have swapped meanings. Apparently thee was originally familiar and you was formal, but as we all know, they have swapped connotations in our current usage. In French we use the familiar tu form and not the formal vous form in contemporary French, so why not in English? I feel much more personal and genuine when I talk to God using you, etc. In the MTC they were so strict about using the thee form, they even passed out a paper explaining that that was the proper way to pray. In a foreign language like French there's no problem, but why must we be so awkward in English?

I also appreciate how in Joseph's example he uses a banal example for the request. It's like saying, "Hey, I'd like to borrow your car to run to the grocery store real quick." God knows us pretty darn well, so all the formality seems highly unnecessary. And I also believe he cares about our daily needs and issues.

3. "Mormonism is truth; and every man who embraces it feels himself at liberty
to embrace every truth: consequently the shackles of superstition, bigotry,
ignorance, and priestcraft, fall at once from his neck, and his eyes are opened to see the truth, and truth greatly prevails over priestcraft....Mormonism is truth, in other words the doctrine of the Latter-Day Saints, is truth. The first and fundamental principle of our holy religion is, that we believe that we have a right to embrace all, and every item of truth, without limitation or without being circumscribed or prohibited by the creeds or superstitious notions of men, or by the dominations of one another, when that truth is clearly demonstrated to our minds, and we have the highest degree of evidence of the same."

I think this is one of the clearest and most beautiful teachings I've read of Joseph Smith. At least it really resonates with me right now. I love how he defines Mormonism as the search of Truth--everywhere! And I have a suspicion that some of the creeds, superstitions, and limitations to the discovery of truth might be part of "Mormon culture" or the LDS worldview. This reminds me of when I first learned the expansive, far-reaching teachings of Joseph Smith and how it burst my limited, superstitious bubble to other possibilities and realities I had never before thought of. Truth can be found everywhere, and I think it's sad when people limit themselves out of smug self-righteousness or fear of the unknown and don't grapple with difficult ideas and feelings and come out on top with more truth than they had before.

More on all of this later, perhaps. I want to go on a walk before the sun sets since it's a nice evening (although a bit breezy). Happy Sabbath to all!

2008-03-15T13:48:00.000-06:00

My mom and I danced viennese waltz in the Marriot Center hallway last night. She did really well for a 62 year-old! It's moments like that where I just love being with my parents!

final resting place

2008-03-12T16:38:00.000-06:00

My mom called me the other day, and while talking she said, "Guess what?! You are now the proud owner of a grave plot!" My gramma had an unclaimed gravesite next to hers, and so last weekend she and my mom decided to put it in my name. Apparently a lot of the services are paid as well as the vault and things like that. It was kind of a surreal/morbid conversation, and at one point I asked, "Is the tombstone thrown in as part of the deal?"

Death became more real for me when my aunt passed away last Christmas. I had been to many viewings and funerals before, but she was the first person close to me to pass away. I saw her health suddenly decline, and I will never forget the last time I talked with her, on Christmas Day. I sat by her and held her frail, swollen hand and she asked me about school, and I was able to tell her I loved her. The next time I saw her, her body was still warm, but her heart was no longer beating. She had passed out of this life to a better existence. I believe there is life after this life, that death is not the end of us. This belief definitely helped me deal with her passing, and I was actually glad for her, that she was able to leave her sick, tortured body to rejoin her loved ones and live a life free of mortal inhibition.

As for myself, this same belief helps me look at my eventual death more as a part of life. Death itself does not scare me. I do sometimes worry about dying a painful death or a premature death, but ultimately I won't worry about that once I'm dead. I think having a healthy appreciation for our mortality can help our appreciation of each day and the beauty around us.

One day I was walking to church, and I was looking at the sunny sky and the beautiful snow-capped mountains. I thought, "Today is a beautiful day," then "Today is the last day of life for thousands of people," followed by "Today could even be my last day." These thoughts kind of shocked me by their seriousness and morbidity, but it left me with the desire to appreciate that day and not waste any minute of it. We only have the present, and it's our choice to use it or waste it, to enjoy it or loathe it.

That news from my mom has caused me to once again reflect on my own mortality and the meaning of my life. It's somewhat comforting to know that I have a final resting place waiting for me, but really it's more important that I live my life to the fullest. When the time comes that I use that spot, whether in 70 years or 7 years, will I have been a positive change for good? Will I have helped those around me and showed them that I care about them? Will I have taken care of my loved ones? Will I have stood up for what is right and for those who are right? Will my life have been guided by God and his plan for me? I hope the answer to those questions is YES when "my time" comes. God willing.

Je suis l'écureuil!

2008-03-12T15:25:00.000-06:00

On the side of my blog page under the picture it has a question (at least it does in the French version and my blogger/email is in French): Qui êtes-vous?

Qui suis-je? Who am I? Like Juno says, "I don't really know what kind of [boy] I am." My life has undergone some major crises/changes in the last few years, and while I have greatly benefitted from those experiences, they have also caused me to question much that I once took for granted or had accepted about myself. However, there are things that I do know about myself. Here are some of them:

1. I am an inherently valuable person. No matter what I do or where I am, I know that I am worth loving (by myself or others) and I know that my worth is unchangeable.

2. God loves and blesses me. I have a strong belief in my creator who is my Father. He has given me everything I have and he continues to help, guide, and bless me. Even when I feel I don't "deserve" it.

3. I owe everything to my parents, and I love and appreciate them very much. I'm an only child, and I consider my immediate family to be my mom and dad, and my gramma who lives next door to us. My aunt, who lived with my gramma, was also close to me but she passed away this past Christmas. More and more I realize how much my parents have given to me and I realize I can never pay them back completely. (The same goes for God and the way he has blessed me.) My parents are good people who have tried, as best they can, to raise me to be a good person. I think we all feel like they have succeeded.

4. I'm gay. About two and a half years ago I "came out" to myself and began a path of self-acceptance and healing that has led me where I am today. I do identify as being gay, but for now I am not living a homosexual lifestyle. I have tons of gay and straight friends, and though I have dated guys, right now I'm trying to learn to be okay as a single person. But I'm definitely attracted to guys, as is evidenced by the fact that I have been somewhat unconsciously checking out just about every guy around me today.

5. I'm Mormon. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and have done since my birth. My ancestors are among the founders of the Church, and they made great personal sacrifices to help it succeed and grow. It's a fundamental part of who I am, of my world view, and what I believe. Up until recently I have been completely devoted to its teachings and policies, but in the last year I have experienced a change in paradigm such that I am now investigating the Church all over again.

6. I have varied interests. I love French, and have been studying it for over 10 years. I've lived in both Quebec and France and I currently teach intermediate French. I also love psychology, and I have one year left for my bachelor's in psychology. I have personally benefitted from psychotherapy, and I would like to offer the same or similar help to people who need it. Right now I'm looking into counseling psychology and clinical social work as possibilities for graduate study and carreer options. I also love to DANCE! I love hip hop, ballroom, country, salsa, and any other excuse to shake it like there's no tomorrow! Music plays a large role in my life, and my iPod has been one of my closest friends. I listen to all styles of music, it just depends on my mood. I also love art (especially 19th and 20th century), traveling, eating in new/nice restaurants with friends, watching movies, going to cultural events (gallery openings, concerts, local festivals). All of these things make me happy, but most of all I love connecting with people and learning about and from them.

I'm back....

2008-03-05T21:49:00.000-07:00

While sitting in class today I got really bored and I needed something more stimulating to do. After deleting email contacts that I didn't want/need anymore, and after looking up how little money I have, I decided to finally do what I've been considering for a few weeks: make another blog.

I used to have a blog, but I deleted all of it a few months ago, which I feel was beneficial since the purpose of the blog itself had become somewhat nebulous and I felt like it was my "Tom Riddle's diary", as if it was somehow possessing my soul. I also made my first blog as part of a bandwagon of friends who created their own blogs, and though it was supposed to be anonymous it never was because a friend helped me create it!

Today it was different. At least I hope so. I'm still trying to figure out what purpose I want this blog to serve. Will it be a mirror for me to see my thinking in? Will it be a way to show off my life to nameless others? Will it simply be a short fling and then become forgotten? I'm still trying to figure this out, but I figure writing something is a good start.

Mostly, I have felt the need from time to time to write something where I could possible have feedback or at least reread what's on my mind in order to figure things out. It's sometimes bizarre to me that people put their deepest feelings out there where anyone could read them, yet I do see value in sharing personal things to some extent because we are all here to learn from one another and one never knows how one's words might help someone else.

The blog title comes from my all-time favorite movie, Thoroughly Modern Millie. At the end of the movie Millie says the vivacious, go-getting Muzzy is "like a squirrel, storing the nuts of life." To me that represents the living of a full life, being open to new experiences and not being afraid to try new things. Life is a potential harvest of experiences and friends, and I am trying to live my life in that way.

So I as a squirrel am searching for those precious acorns that will broaden my experience and enrich my life. This blog will most likely be a log of the things that touch me, make me laugh, and that buzz around inside my head.